Life Can’t Always be Fair

I can’t seem to get up the energy to even open my computer and type a post. So I’m doing this from my phone. I’ve been suffering from PTSD flashbacks for the past week and it’s been super hard on me. I keep reminding myself that what happened wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t do anything wrong. It doesn’t make things any easier though. I’ve just been crying so much and just all around upset a distressed.

I’m just so tired of crying and suffering over something that wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong, so why am I the one suffering? It’s a question I’ll never get an answer to. The flashbacks are mostly shadows or words. They were super vivid on Monday, the vibrancy has subsided though. But the frequency has increased. I’m just over it. Just stop the world, I want to get off.

My therapist says I have to stay distracted until the flashbacks subside, but nothing seems to be keeping my attention. I find some solace in music and reading. Listening to John Mayer and Dawes, rereading Harry Potter. But it doesn’t last. I’m only truly comfortable on our loveseat in the living room where I can curl up and just be. Just let existence wash over me and around me. Like I don’t have to deal with the read world for a little while. Just plug in and tune out for a little while.

I don’t want to say this is my new normal, but I don’t really know much about PTSD, only what I’ve read over the last week. But it seems like this could go on for a little while. It’s not a cut and dry type of thing, where you can get meds what will make it stop (mostly) not like with my bipolar. I’m also doing everything I’m supposed to be doing, according to all the websites I’ve read anyway. So, what are you supposed to do when what’s supposed to help, doesn’t? You just fight through I suppose. I’m just tired of fighting. I feel like I’m fighting with my own mind everyday and it’s exhausting and I’m over it. I don’t know what else to do. I just know that this whole situation isn’t fair. I’m the one dealing with the fall out and my family and friends don’t know what to do or what to tell me. It’s just not fair.

Like I know, they always tell kids, life isn’t fair. But no one deserves to have to suffer this way. No one.

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It’s 3 PM Somewhere

Everyday, without fail, at 3 o’clock every afternoon, I hit a wall, no matter what. I get so anxious and panicky, I feel suffocated, my mood dips severely. I can be in the best mood all day, but once 3 hits, I’m done. The minutes start going slower and I feel like I’m not going to make it to the end of the day. Somehow though, I usually make it. Sometimes, it’s just so unbearable that I can’t stay at work.

I don’t know how I do it. I suppose it takes some sort of inner strength. Something bigger is driving me, whether it’s getting a better GPA, or in the case of summer, money. Also, I have an hour quota I have to meet for my internship, so once I meet that, I can stop working. So, as of right now, I have 104 hours left, so I’m hoping I’ll be done in  about three weeks. The thing is, that, that all looks good on paper, but my anxiety has a mind of it’s own. Because for me to be done in three weeks, I have to work my regular hours, so n leaving early, coming in late, or taking long lunches. All things I do. I need to push myself to actually stick to my work schedule, because all the things I do now, probably won’t fly in the real world.

I feel like right now, I’m in a little bubble. The bubble that is my home town. I live around the corner from where I work, my mom is my boss, my barista knows my coffee order, and my best friends aren’t very far away. Boy, am I going to have a shock when I move. Which I 100% plan on doing within the next few years. Before that, the thing that pops my bubble, is school. I have to drive all the way to the opposite end of the island for classes. They also give me that 3 PM feeling, even when it’s not 3 PM yet. I hit a lull hard when I’m on campus, and I can’t not be on campus. I’m left with all upper division classes, so I have to go to class. Which means leaving my comfort zone, at least a few days a week. You think it would be easier by now, that I wouldn’t get so uncomfortable going to school, but even after all these semesters, it hasn’t gotten easier.

Bipolar and anxiety often inhibit me, which I know isn’t good. It makes me want to stay in my bubble, but then sometimes, I get so anxious or have an episode while inside my little bubble, that I just want to leave. I want to get out of here sometimes, I want to escape the 3 PM feeling, because sometimes I have that feeling all the time. Just the suffocating, panicky feeling. I need to find a way to cope, especially at work. I’ll start with finding coping mechanisms for work, then I’ll find some for school. Because what’s important now, is getting my hours done.