Self Control And Anxiety

I have a feeling that we all have issues with self-control, I know I do. It causes a lot of issues for me. I find it very difficult to have self-control when my anxiety is at a 7. I’ll do anything to feel better to get the anxiety to stop, so self-control really goes out the window. I’ll eat or I’ll cry or I’ll binge watch youtube. There are things that I need to be doing for self care that involve self-control. Also, my routine. We all know the push and pull I have with my routine. One day I’ll have it down and I’ll feel good for a little while. Another day I’ll just throw caution to the window and just not do any part of a routine. It fully is a struggle. So, my anxiety and my self-control go hand in hand.

I’m not sure if anyone else feels this way. When I’m less anxious my self-control is pretty solid. I don’t overeat because I don’t eat much to begin with, but I still eat more than usual. I have digestive issues so eating more than what the doctor said is not good. I know my self-control has gone out the window when I stop listening to my doctors. When I let go of my coping skills or just ignore them and not use them. I can’t let my anxiety control me though. I can’t let my self-control go out the window just because I’m anxious. I’m more anxious these days. I’m not sure if I wrote this but my psychiatrist told me that since most of my anxiety is caused by grief the most I can do is use my coping skills, take anti-anxiety meds if I need them and give myself time. To me, taking time gets boring after awhile, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still need it. So, giving myself time is part of self-control, I need to control myself that I’m not doing too much because I’m bored, because time is not something you can control. I don’t know how much time I’m going to need, but I’m going to need self-control to keep myself in check.

I also need to stop binge watching YouTube because it doesn’t help anything. I need to stop sometimes and listen to a podcast or something. My boyfriend is also here to keep my in check, but he shouldn’t have to do that. I should be able to do that. Those times he has to keep me in check and bring me back to reality have become lessened over the past month or so. To me that seems like progress. That I have enough self-control to take into account what he says and take it into account and put it into effect.

Self-control comes in many forms. It could be me having the self-control to let my anxiety be and relax even though I’m bored. It could be trying to keep on my routine. It’s really in everything I do.

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Bring Back the Routine

It’s Monday morning and I’m awake, I worked out and made coffee, now I’m writing this post. I’m trying to get back into some sort if routine to see if I can create some semblance of normalcy. I’m not sure if it will work, but I figured I would try. I feel pretty good right now. The morning is my quiet time. The only thing I can’t do is vacuum. Which is what I surprisingly want to do right now. Which is weird because i hate cleaning. I do it, but I loathe it. I suppose everyone does though.

It’s one of those days I’ll be working from the couch, which is what I’ve been doing lately. That’s not part of the routine, The routine is to sit at the table and listen to podcasts. Right now I’m sitting on the couch watching youtube. Total opposites. Regardless, I got the first part down, so that’s something. I’m not really tired, which is good. The anti-routine had me falling back asleep on the couch almost as soon as I was out in the living room. That’s how I know I’ exhausted though, I can sleep in the bed for 8-9 even 10 sometimes, and then I fall back asleep on the couch.

I really feel like I have nothing to write, but I want to post, writing is cathartic for me. I feel like with everything going on, whatever I write is trivial. It’ll be what it’ll be though. I really want to crawl back into bed, but I won’t. I’ll settle into the couch and just write. I miss seeing my best friend. This is the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other. I would love to add seeing her to my routine. Working out together would be great. I just want to get out of the house in general. I love my boyfriend more than anything, but sometimes you just need your best friend.

I need to add watching what I eat, portion control, and how many times I eat. This isn’t a restriction I put on myself, it’s doctors orders. I go through phases where I follow it and when I don’t. I can feel a difference what I do what he says, and when I just eat large portions, I eat like twice a day, and eat softer foods. I haven’t been following it and my stomach has been hurting and I’ve been super bloated. Which is not good. I need to focus on my overall health. Including my digestive health. So I need to add that to my routine, not just my morning, but my non existent daily routine.

I also need to stop wearing clothes with holes in them. That’s how much I don’t care. I constantly wear shirts with holes in the armpits or leggings with random holes in them, that I don’t even know how they got there. So, those are the two things I’ll add to my daily routine. I also miss wearing makeup, I could put it on for no reason, but I just don’t have the energy. I also have stress pimples, which is so much fun. I should add skincare to my morning routine. I cleanse my face, but that’s about it. I need to just add one thing at a time though. I can’t push my limits because then I’ll just stop the routine all together.

So, I’m going to try and get back into the groove of having a routine and add a few necessary extras. I’m going to go set my intention and choose my word of the week.

Let Me Talk About My Feelings

I started this post last night when I was feeling pretty bad. I didn’t understand why I was feeling bad, but I was. I still don’t know what I feel right now. Yesterday was a weird day. If you saw my Routine Ruiner post, then you would know that I was having stomach pain, which caused me to wake up at 5 am, which unfortunately set the tone for my day. I just created a morning routine, and I was pretty keen on sticking to it. This was the first time I felt that bad and I didn’t know what to do. I don’t have the mindset yet to where I can say to myself, it’s okay that you are having pain, it’s temporary, you’ll get back on your routine tomorrow. Which to my own surprise I did. I slept a little bit later, but I still did it. Honestly, I’m very proud of myself.

I haven’t been feeling as down recently which is very good for me. Being Bipolar regulating my moods is a full time job. It goes like this, I feel bad, what do I have in my tool kit to try and make me feel less bad. When nothing in my tool kit works, I have to wing it, which usually leads to me giving in and laying on the couch and just falling deeper and deeper into that feeling. Then maybe a little while I may swing up, then I have to think to myself, okay, is this turning into mania? Then I have to put my tools in place that I use to prevent mania. I can become so focused on these things that I forget that I don’t have to hone in on these specific tools are not the only things that I can do. I do need to focus though on that one feeling, if I feel bad, focus on that, I need to not focus on whether or not I’m going to swing into mania. I need to tell myself, that this moon is temporary, which it is. Yet, when you’re stuck in it you feel like this is the worst and it’s never going to end.

Sometimes it’s kind of like, maybe it would be better if I didn’t feel anything. That’s not something you want though, trust me. I want for years not knowing what I felt, I couldn’t explain them, I couldn’t put them in boxes, as in someone would ask me what I felt, and all I could do was shrug my shoulders and cry or panic. I couldn’t decipher between mania and depression, which were essentially my only two mood states.

Now those days were extremely terrible. I don’t even know how I got through it. Anyway, flash forward to today, I feel too many feeling, I mean maybe it’s the normal amount of feelings for someone else. For me though, it’s a lot to figure out. For example, there are what I like to call, mini feelings. Those are the feelings that are not your basic, bad, sad, happy, the usual. I’m learning to navigate feelings like, melancholy. If you had told me that this was a feeling that existed a few years ago, I would have panicked. Now, it’s what I use a lot of the time to describe what I feel. So, that’s just a little bit about my feelings and how far I’ve come.

(written on 5/15/20)

This Wednesday is Brought to you by…

A very large cold brew, some great tuneage on Spotify, and most importantly noise cancelling headphones. (I mean food too and water). Oh, and support group.

It was a fairly easy breezy day. I got to work early, so I could leave early, so I could go to support group. The thing is, a woman from our accounting firm was at the office, and I know, from experience, that she does not have an inside voice. Hence, the noise cancelling headphones. I went through my files, I’m now on my last cabinet, which is kind of a relief. The thing is though, that I talked to my boyfriend today about my heart hurting for other people and situations. I’ve been “sad” for days, he didn’t understand why, and I couldn’t explain it. Until today that is. He understood and we talked about it, which was really nice.

Anyway, the barista at my coffee shop remembered my order, I got to leave work early, I’m getting donuts at support group, this Wednesday isn’t the worst, and we all know how much I hate Wednesdays. Nothing eventful happened today, so, so far so good. I’m pretty anxious about getting to group, it’s about 40 minutes away, and it’s driving somewhere new, I’m going to do it though, and I’ll get through it.

The thing is though, I have a very strict nighttime routine I follow, which starts at 9:00 exactly. I won’t get back from support group until 9:15 at the earliest. Which, in turn, will throw off my entire routine. I don’t like messing with this routine, it keeps me grounded, it’s one of the only things that is a staple in my life. Like, time management wise. If I don’t follow it, I get nighttime anxiety, like my morning anxiety, it is severe, I won’t be able to sleep, and when I don’t sleep, I get manic. I don’t think going to group and starting my routine a little later will really do much damage, and I’m not really worried about it.

This is an under 30 support group, it’ll be my first time at this one. I’m not too anxious, I’m going because I was invited by one of the facilitators, so I figured, why not. I’ll go and check it out, maybe find some people I can relate to. I don’t have many friends with mental illness, let alone people my age. It will be a new experience. I’m nervous, but like, nervous excited. So, I’ll stop for coffee on my way there and hope for the best. I’ve only been to two support groups, ever, all through the same organization, they were nice, I found it helpful, and like I had found people like me, who understood. It is truly something I am glad to have found.

Check back tomorrow for an update! Also, as long as it doesn’t rain, I may be blogging from a music festival tomorrow!!

Tuesdays are for Late Naps

Sorry this is going up so late, but my anxiety was so bad earlier, I took anti-anxiety meds, and they knocked me out. I slept from about 7-9:20 pm. The thing is, that I have a very strict night time routine. Which starts at 9:00 exactly. So between waking up so late and having to take my dog out, and now writing this, there’s no time for my routine. Which we call “simmering”. No simmering, usually results in my waking up early the next morning with anxiety, especially this time, because I’m going to have to force myself back to sleep.

The thing is, I’m not upset about this nap. My body must have needed it, I’ve been so stressed and anxious the past few days, I must not have been getting enough restful sleep. So my body took what it needed. I usually try to not take naps, because I always feel pretty bad when I wake up from them. Sometimes, naps are okay though, they can be refreshing, sometimes they’re what you need. Tonight, it probably won’t help me I feel refreshed and it sure won’t help me in the morning. But I am sure, that my body will thank me for it. I’m going to leave this here and try and go back to sleep. Which may or may not happen.