Hey Little Fighter, Things will get Brighter

I’ve been doing a lot of research into mental illness recently. Bipolar disorder, PTSD, and anxiety mostly. I’m not sure why now and not before. I also constantly feel like uncontrollably sobbing most of the time. Let’s just say that I’m feeling a lot of emotions right now. I’ve been doing all this research and I’m not really sure what I’m looking for, as if I’m searching for answers that I know don’t exist. Because what I feel is so personal, and raw, like people can relate, but no one feels the exact same way as I do at any given time, and I can’t always explain what I feel. It’s all very frustrating.

I haven’t been able to blog because I’ve been searching for these answers that can only be found in the depths of my mind. I keep thinking and thinking, I can feel my soul be suffocated, but I can never reach the answers I’m looking for. Mostly because I can’t figure out what question I’m asking on any given day. I just know I’m tired, exhausted, of my mind being at war with itself. Going through these flashbacks, which have thankfully subsided, has put a toll on me, like, it’s hard to figure out reality and memories, what’s now and what is history. So, there was that, now I’m just lost. My brain can’t handle much these days. I haven’t been able to work a full day of work, I’ve been isolating and spending a lot of time curled up on our tiny couch in our tiny living room, where it’s cozy and safe. I constantly have to remind myself that I’m safe, and what happened wasn’t my fault.

I didn’t do anything wrong, so why am I suffering?

I just don’t understand. My soul and mind can’t take it. The only reoccurring thought I have is that, I don’t want to die. I’m feeling a lot of fear right now, and it’s smothering me. I’m scared mostly of becoming suicidal and having to go back to the hospital. I don’t know why I feel like that if all I keep saying is that I don’t want to die. Like, that’s the opposite of what I’m truly afraid of. So I don’t know why I’m so distressed. My therapist says I’m fearing fear itself right now, because I also keep thinking about death.

All I think of when I think of being afraid of fear itself, I think about Harry Potter, when Lupin tells Harry that he’s afraid of fear itself because he’s afraid of the dementors, which are the guards of the wizard prison azkaban, and they feed off happiness and suck out peoples souls. Lovely image, right? I suppose that’s the point. Anyway, that’s how I feel, like a dementor is here sucking the life out of me.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, like I said, just sob uncontrollably until there’s no more tears left. I feel like that’s not possible though. I feel like I don’t know what I feel. I feel like I don’t know anything. I’m searching for answers to nothing, answers to a question that my soul is asking that I can’t make out. I suppose if I want to know the question, I have to get down and dirty with my feelings. I have to take a deep dive, take a break, and nourish my soul. It needs to be cared for now more than ever.

Also, on a positive note, it’s my birth-month. I LOVE my birthday, like I really love it. As soon as August hits I start my count down. Now it’s the 7th and I could care less about turning 25, a few weeks ago I was so exited and planning my trip to Salem, MA (where my boyfriend and I will be spending most of my birth-week). Now, I just feel like I’m struggling to get through the day. I’m just tired and over these emotions and I just want to give up. I won’t though. I’m in this for the long haul and I will walk through the fire, or I will rise from it, like a phoenix.

 

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So much anxiety. So little time.

As I write this there’s a whole list of things I should be doing. I have two papers to write, 2 hours of research to do, and I’m supposed to have a meeting with my group for a group project. Buttttt, my anxiety has different plans. It always has different plans, my anxiety and I, we can never agree on anything. I took a Xanax, it made me sleepy, which made me want to curl up in bed, but I’m sitting on the living room floor instead.

I’m supposed to be making progress, my therapist said that I was, making progress, this morning. Then this happens, the anxiety grips me and squeezes, like a boa constrictor. I can’t breathe, I can’t think, focus, I can’t do anything. I have the tv on, but I’m just staring at it.

Take deep breaths? Tried it. Journal? Tried it. Any of my coping skills? Tried it. There’s always trying, but rarely results when it comes to my anxiety. It has a mind of its own. It has different plans. It doesn’t care that I have piles of work to do by tomorrow afternoon. It doesn’t care about anything. It just is. I know I shouldn’t let it be, I shouldn’t give into it, but sometimes I think to myself, I’m exhausted today, and I let the anxiety consume me.

I can’t create a coherent thought. That’s how I know it’s really bad. I honestly don’t know how I’m writing this or if it will even make sense once I post it. I’m going to do it anyway though, it’s something my anxiety will let me do. I should be the master of my anxiety, I should know how to beat it, but the thing is, I don’t think there’s an actual way to “beat” it. Yes, it can become under control or I can learn the best way to deal with it, but what happens on days where nothing works. It just piles up and up and up. Then it’s a mountain of anxiety I’m too tired to climb. So, I give in for the day Tomorrow will be better. Won’t it? I’ll have to wait and see.

The anxiety is always a part of me and I know it always will be. Yes, I can take Xanax to keep it at bay, but that’s not something that I want. I want to be able to take a few deep breaths and it be gone. Right now though, I want to sleep, I’m not hungry, I want sleep, but I know if I try to sleep, I won’t be able to. So what’s the point in that? Try, try, try, that’s what people think you should do, as if you try, it’ll automatically help. That’s not how it works though, sometimes, I need rest. Today though, there is no time for rest, today is supposed to be a time for work and progress and catch up, but right now, my day is filled with time slots, and each slot has one word next to it. Anxiety.