Let Me Talk About My Feelings

I started this post last night when I was feeling pretty bad. I didn’t understand why I was feeling bad, but I was. I still don’t know what I feel right now. Yesterday was a weird day. If you saw my Routine Ruiner post, then you would know that I was having stomach pain, which caused me to wake up at 5 am, which unfortunately set the tone for my day. I just created a morning routine, and I was pretty keen on sticking to it. This was the first time I felt that bad and I didn’t know what to do. I don’t have the mindset yet to where I can say to myself, it’s okay that you are having pain, it’s temporary, you’ll get back on your routine tomorrow. Which to my own surprise I did. I slept a little bit later, but I still did it. Honestly, I’m very proud of myself.

I haven’t been feeling as down recently which is very good for me. Being Bipolar regulating my moods is a full time job. It goes like this, I feel bad, what do I have in my tool kit to try and make me feel less bad. When nothing in my tool kit works, I have to wing it, which usually leads to me giving in and laying on the couch and just falling deeper and deeper into that feeling. Then maybe a little while I may swing up, then I have to think to myself, okay, is this turning into mania? Then I have to put my tools in place that I use to prevent mania. I can become so focused on these things that I forget that I don’t have to hone in on these specific tools are not the only things that I can do. I do need to focus though on that one feeling, if I feel bad, focus on that, I need to not focus on whether or not I’m going to swing into mania. I need to tell myself, that this moon is temporary, which it is. Yet, when you’re stuck in it you feel like this is the worst and it’s never going to end.

Sometimes it’s kind of like, maybe it would be better if I didn’t feel anything. That’s not something you want though, trust me. I want for years not knowing what I felt, I couldn’t explain them, I couldn’t put them in boxes, as in someone would ask me what I felt, and all I could do was shrug my shoulders and cry or panic. I couldn’t decipher between mania and depression, which were essentially my only two mood states.

Now those days were extremely terrible. I don’t even know how I got through it. Anyway, flash forward to today, I feel too many feeling, I mean maybe it’s the normal amount of feelings for someone else. For me though, it’s a lot to figure out. For example, there are what I like to call, mini feelings. Those are the feelings that are not your basic, bad, sad, happy, the usual. I’m learning to navigate feelings like, melancholy. If you had told me that this was a feeling that existed a few years ago, I would have panicked. Now, it’s what I use a lot of the time to describe what I feel. So, that’s just a little bit about my feelings and how far I’ve come.

(written on 5/15/20)

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Real life, is real

Sometime things happen, and it’s just like, well damn. And you’re left asking, who? What? Where? Why? Just like, how?

It seems like life isn’t fair, as if, the real world just crashed into your personal space and there’s no boundaries. Maybe if you believe in fate, it’ll make sense, now or later, but maybe never. Somethings are just meant to be or not be in some cases.

I wrote this in August? Maybe? Regardless, it’s a sentiment that still applies. I’m not sure what I was writing this about, but I feel like it kind of applies to now. With COVID-19, it has nothing to do with fate. There are conspiracy theories surrounding how the virus was contracted in the first place. One of which is that China created it in a lab, now I’m no conspiracy theorist, but I think it’s a possibility. I’m just going to leave it at that.

Anyway, when New York shut down, real life, it got real, very quickly. We were rushing to make sure we had what we needed. Then there was literally nothing to do. My boyfriend said that you have to accept the situation that we’re in, process it however you need to, but you need to process and accept that this may be how things will be for an unknown amount of time. What did I do? I spiraled into a depression. It was severe, and really hard on me. But he snapped me out of it after weeks on weeks of this all consuming depression. And, I now am at peace with this is how things are for however long this lasts for. Now, I can take advantage of it or I can just wallow, just be like, I’m the only one who feels this way. Which is not true. Everyone may not feel things the way I do, but they’re hurting just the same. I was living in this self-centered fantasy world, and my boyfriend brought me back to the real world. He gave me what I needed to fully process and accept what’s happening.

So yes, the real world, it’s real now. We are in the middle of a global pandemic, and there is nothing we can do about it. That’s as real as it gets. Nothing any regular person does will be able the cure the virus. We can help each other make the situation easier, but we can’t create a cure. I feel like that’s a hard pill to swallow, in the grand scheme of things, most regular people, can’t help create a vaccine, they can’t administer the necessary tests. Our futures are in other peoples hands. And to me, that’s horrifying.