How are You Doing

It’s such a loaded question. It makes you think, how am I actually doing? Or, what are you going to tell this person? What you think they want to hear or maybe you can actually tell them how you actually are. It depends on the person, but it also depends on you.

For me, I always take the safe route and just say that “I’m fine”, or if it’s my dad, I just kind of make noises like “eh. meh.” and he understands. But, when is the right time to open up and say, “No, I’m not doing okay.”? I can’t answer that for anyone else, but I’ve learned to pick and choose who I say what to. I feel like there are some people who need to know, some people I actually want to know, then there’s people who don’t need to know or maybe even don’t deserve to know. It’s something that really needs to be contemplated though, I mean, that’s what I think anyway. Like, who in your life do you feel like you can turn to and tell them that you are not okay. Who do you reach out to? Who do you feel safe with?

Answering that question can leave you very exposed, because there are so many variables that go into the answer, but you have a split second to answer. So, what do you do? How do you answer? Are you really doing “fine”? You’ll know, but depending on what other people say, you decide on what you’re going to say. I feel like this issue runs through everyone’s head when the question is asked.

If you have mental illness, it make take a lot out of you to answer the question truthfully, you may be on autopilot and say a very basic, vague answer. Like I said, there are a lot of variables. Your comfort level with the person, the setting, the situation. It’s like you have to run through the five W’s (Who, What, When, Where, and Why) before you can answer the question.

I was thinking about this the other day, how I wish I wasn’t bipolar, how I wish I was “normal”, how I wish I didn’t have anxiety. Because I hate all those things, and they’re things I want to say when people ask how I’m doing, but I would never say those things. So, it’s something I have to deal with everyday of my life, I have to fight through and deal with it. Be stronger everyday. It’s not easy though. Some days when someone asks, you just want to beak down and cry and say that you are not okay. But, you’ll put on a brave face and a smile and say that everything is just peachy.

It’s not easy and it sure as hell isn’t fair, but it’s something that we always have to deal with, mental illness or not, people have bad days. Not everyone is hiding something, but some are. Life is just what it is. So next time someone asks how you’re doing, take an extra tenth of a second to think, reflect, how am I doing? Am I sugar coating it for this person? If I don’t, will they understand?

If you need validation for telling someone that you’re okay when you’re not, it’s here. I mean, find someone you trust and feel comfortable with and tell them, but you don’t have to tell someone in passing or someone you don’t see often how you’re actually doing.

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Hey Little Fighter, Things will get Brighter

I’ve been doing a lot of research into mental illness recently. Bipolar disorder, PTSD, and anxiety mostly. I’m not sure why now and not before. I also constantly feel like uncontrollably sobbing most of the time. Let’s just say that I’m feeling a lot of emotions right now. I’ve been doing all this research and I’m not really sure what I’m looking for, as if I’m searching for answers that I know don’t exist. Because what I feel is so personal, and raw, like people can relate, but no one feels the exact same way as I do at any given time, and I can’t always explain what I feel. It’s all very frustrating.

I haven’t been able to blog because I’ve been searching for these answers that can only be found in the depths of my mind. I keep thinking and thinking, I can feel my soul be suffocated, but I can never reach the answers I’m looking for. Mostly because I can’t figure out what question I’m asking on any given day. I just know I’m tired, exhausted, of my mind being at war with itself. Going through these flashbacks, which have thankfully subsided, has put a toll on me, like, it’s hard to figure out reality and memories, what’s now and what is history. So, there was that, now I’m just lost. My brain can’t handle much these days. I haven’t been able to work a full day of work, I’ve been isolating and spending a lot of time curled up on our tiny couch in our tiny living room, where it’s cozy and safe. I constantly have to remind myself that I’m safe, and what happened wasn’t my fault.

I didn’t do anything wrong, so why am I suffering?

I just don’t understand. My soul and mind can’t take it. The only reoccurring thought I have is that, I don’t want to die. I’m feeling a lot of fear right now, and it’s smothering me. I’m scared mostly of becoming suicidal and having to go back to the hospital. I don’t know why I feel like that if all I keep saying is that I don’t want to die. Like, that’s the opposite of what I’m truly afraid of. So I don’t know why I’m so distressed. My therapist says I’m fearing fear itself right now, because I also keep thinking about death.

All I think of when I think of being afraid of fear itself, I think about Harry Potter, when Lupin tells Harry that he’s afraid of fear itself because he’s afraid of the dementors, which are the guards of the wizard prison azkaban, and they feed off happiness and suck out peoples souls. Lovely image, right? I suppose that’s the point. Anyway, that’s how I feel, like a dementor is here sucking the life out of me.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, like I said, just sob uncontrollably until there’s no more tears left. I feel like that’s not possible though. I feel like I don’t know what I feel. I feel like I don’t know anything. I’m searching for answers to nothing, answers to a question that my soul is asking that I can’t make out. I suppose if I want to know the question, I have to get down and dirty with my feelings. I have to take a deep dive, take a break, and nourish my soul. It needs to be cared for now more than ever.

Also, on a positive note, it’s my birth-month. I LOVE my birthday, like I really love it. As soon as August hits I start my count down. Now it’s the 7th and I could care less about turning 25, a few weeks ago I was so exited and planning my trip to Salem, MA (where my boyfriend and I will be spending most of my birth-week). Now, I just feel like I’m struggling to get through the day. I’m just tired and over these emotions and I just want to give up. I won’t though. I’m in this for the long haul and I will walk through the fire, or I will rise from it, like a phoenix.

 

Today feels like a Friday

You know how some days don’t feel right? Like a it feels like it should be the end of the week, but it’s actually a Tuesday? That’s how I feel today. Since tomorrow is the 4th of July, we have off, and somehow we managed to get off Friday too. So, this Wednesday is kind of like a Friday. We get to wear jeans and maybe leave early, holidays in the middle of the week are pretty awesome.

I’m coming in on Friday though, I have to make up hours because I took off last Thursday because I was switching medications. And I left early the last two days because of migraines and mania. Sooo I lost hours, which is not awesome. I guess coming in Friday won’t be the worst thing ever, no one will be here, it’ll be super chill. Easy breezy. We listen to the radio all day no breaks. It’s not like it’s Spotify or anything either, it’s the actual radio, commercials and all. Sounds fun, right?

I’m working on grant letters of support today. Surprisingly it’s not too bad, but around 1, just like everyday around 1, I’m anxious. Just slightly though. So it’s not terrible, just uncomfortable. It makes it difficult to get work done. I’m focusing on the anxiety too much and not work.

The morning went pretty quickly, lunch came and went, I have to drop my timesheet off for this pay period, which makes me very anxious. They’re always saying that it would “be great” if I could drop it off early, but I can’t. They don’t understand, it takes me all day to work up enough strength and courage to go and do it. I can’t bring it early. I feel like a lot of people don’t understand. Anxiety has become so normalized that not everyone can understand when you say “no, I’m really anxious”. They’re perception of anxiety is personalized. Whether they have it or they listen to the stigma, I feel like people don’t understand, well some people.

I don’t talk openly about my anxiety or bipolar. I don’t want people to make up perceptions about me because of a biological disorder. Like, I can’t just not be bipolar. It’s literally in my genes. Like, thank you for your suggestions, but it is part of me. It makes it hard for me to accept that I’m more than just bipolar, when people perceive me only that one way. That’s why I don’t talk openly about it. I want people to know me, as me. With no preconceived notions.

Anywayyyyy. Work, I’m back at it. Trying not to be anxious, because, it’s Friday, right?

or shall I say Fri-yay…

I’ve been thinking

A lot the past few days.

About how, I want to do something important, something that matters, something that will influence other people. I watch a lot of beauty videos on YouTube, and it hit me, that they have such a huge platform, they have the ability to do something. They choose to do the things they do and for that I’m thankful. Because I watch them a lot and by a lot I mean a lot. Watching YouTube is my escape and I’m constantly looking for an escape from my bipolar. Being bipolar, I have different struggles from other people, certain things are more difficult for me, but everyone has their own struggle and issues, I don’t want to take away from that.

This escape, is turning into sort of an inspiration, not that I’m going to stop everything I’m doing and become start doing YouTube full time. I mean, I want to find my own little space where I can have an impact on people. I know I can do that by telling my story or maybe whatever I do can become an escape for someone else, like YouTube is for me. I want to be a safe space, I want people to be able to come to me as they are and leave a little bit more…something. I don’t know, inspired, heard, maybe they found something that relates to them. I want to help people and I want to do it sooner rather thank later, I want to start now. The thing is though, I have to learn to be patient, creating a platform, it takes time, it takes grit. I have grit and I have time, I don’t have patience. That’s a big flaw that I have. I have to learn to move past it though. Because a platform isn’t just going to appear out of thin air, I have to create it. I have to clear out my own little space in the world. It’s a journey it’s not magic.

I’ve been extremely blessed my whole life. I don’t want to waste that, I have had experiences and opportunities that other people don’t get. Yes, I have bipolar. What I do with that, is what matters. Do I give up and give into the disorder? Do I take it as just another obstacle and use it to grow? I guess it depends on the day. Some days I want to give in, hide and do nothing, other days, I want to be productive and just do everything. I suppose that’s the nature of the disorder. The point, is to find a happy medium. I need to find that. I want to find that. I want to find that space and just live there. Find it and so everything I can to stay there. Then from there, keep rising. Grow and learn and create. That’s where the platform will come from and that is where I will find my niche. That’s where I will live.

A Princess on Psych Meds

I am on seven different medications, the highest dose of all most of them, and I still struggle, everyday. Lately I’ve been in  a state of panic, caring more about myself than other people, crying, being afraid to leave the house and on and on. This is worse than most of the time, usually I know how to keep symptoms in check, but right now, it’s like there’s no stopping them. I’m at a loss. I mean, I still know how lucky I am. I have a supportive and loving boyfriend and family, I have the resources I need at my disposal, the mental health professionals that I can contact any time of day. I’ve been blessed and at times like these I feel like I’m taking all of this for granted. I don’t know how to stop the panic, I don’t know how to stop the symptoms from raging. I’ve been here before, I know where this road goes, I know this spiral cannot continue and I need to put a stop to it, but I feel helpless. Like a damsel in distress, but the only one who can help is me.

I’m exhausted today. I have a headache and I want to sleep. I don’t know where to start on this self care journey.  I’m lost and confused. Help, anyone?

Sunday night stories.

She stands in front of the mirror, slowly she starts taking the pins out of her hair. Staring at the girl opposite her she asks herself, when will it stop? And where does it end? She begins to question if there ever really is a light at the end of the tunnel. The look on her face is one of wonder and defeat, and if you didn’t know her it would seem to be a mask of sadness.
Not that anyone really knew her though. Because she floated through the day acting like other people and interacting with them, and everyday, as the ghost of her self floated along side her, she still asked herself what the point was.
The girls were still staring at each other.
She slipped out of her skirt and shook out her hair. With one more look she crawled into bed with the same unanswered questions that she slept with every night, knowing that there would never be someone there to answer them for her. So she slept, and dreamt up all the answers to get questions. Answers she would soon forget with the rising of the sun.
She shook out her hair and turned off the light, doesn’t it ever end?