Catching Up

I feel like it’s been quite sometime since I posted here. Well, I suppose it really has been. I needed a bit of a break after the death of my grandmother. I’m back now, well I’m going to try and be.

Honestly, nothing much has happened in the past month or so. I’ve been stuck in the house. I just wanted to write a little bit about how COVID has affected my mental health. I am easily triggered, and will quickly have a mood swing after the initial trigger. So, being stuck in the apartment you would think that I would be able to avoid triggers, that is not the case though. I am easily triggered by videos and sometimes pictures. Also, by the emotions of the people around me. Since my boyfriend and I are spending every single second of every single day together, it’s almost impossible to not feed off of each others emotions. So, I’ll get triggered by something, then he’ll feel my stress and it’ll possibly trigger him. It’s a very delicate system.

Also, the business has not been doing the best. Due to COVID, people just aren’t buying our products. We try so hard. The lack of orders and work to do leaves me very anxious and bored and then I panic because I feel like I should be doing work, when there’s no work to be done. It’s all very frustrating. I have a very strong work ethic so when I don’t have something to focus my energy on, I get severe, debilitating anxiety. I tell my doctors and they try to help me and give me advice, but the bottom line is that we can’t adjust my meds. So, it’s basically me against myself. In my head. All day everyday. I’ve been manic a few times, down, but not truly depressed, but mostly the anxiety. Except yesterday I felt extremely unstable. I don’t know what happened, but something tipped the scales. I feel like I need to channel my energy. I’ve been writing a lot of fiction, but I’ve kind of run out of inspiration.

I know they say that you have to write even when you don’t feel like it or if you don’t feel inspired. I just can’t seem to push myself though. Everything just feels off. Probably because no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’ve found that; no matter how much you try, it’s almost impossible to move forward when the world is standing still. Because we are still in the middle of a pandemic and things don’t seem to be getting better. I feel like there is no hope. Like I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even as I write this I feel a sense of panic. Everything is a struggle. It also doesn’t help that it’s like a sauna in my apartment.

I honestly am doing the best that I can. I just keep forgetting to remind myself of that. Sometimes, doing the best that you can is enough. Even if all that you do is get out of bed. I had a pretty strict morning routine, but somewhere along the way it fell to the wayside. I wish that hadn’t happened, but it did. I know not to beat myself up about it, but it’s difficult.

So, COVID has not given me any more drive, it hasn’t really done anything productive for me. I’m hoping I can start feeling better today and get back into blogging. I’ve really missed this.

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I’m Just…

Tired, I’m just tired. Well more like exhausted, but not in an emotional way. Which is usually why I’m exhausted. I feel fine mentally, I mean I’m having a little bit of anxiety, but that’s nothing new. I think I’m so exhausted because I’m not as anxious. When I’m anxious my body just gets so tense and I just feel bad. Now that I’m less anxious, my body isn’t as tense, therefore my body is exhausted while my mind is not. My mind is telling me to do all these things, listen to podcasts, exercise, do all the work things. My body on the other hand is like, nope. It’s very irritating. Because my mind is clear and ready to go, but I just don’t want to. I have the ability to relax because my body isn’t tense, but because of my mind, I just can’t relax.

Maybe I need to start meditating. That’s the one thing everyone suggests that I don’t do, I just feel so awkward doing it. I’m not sure. I mean, I could try it in the morning while my coffee is brewing. Which takes about 4 minutes. So, maybe I could try 3 minutes, and just clear my mind and relax. I’m not very good at relaxing to begin with. I always feel like there’s something I should be doing.

Okay, it’s the next morning, and I am exhausted. I slept through the night just fine, but I woke up at 5:45 (which seems to be the new normal) did my morning routine. Watch some YouTube videos, eat a very small snack, then I did one of the circuits I created to exercise, made coffee, and now I’m listening to a podcast while trying to get some work done. I just want to curl up under the blankets and go back to sleep. The past week or so that I did this, I woke up and I was fine all day. Today that’s not the case. I’m just beyond exhausted. There’s tons to do today also, a full schedule of roasting, and working on the new blog that I’m creating for our business. I need to research some things, like what other companies in the same industry blog about, and other things along those lines.

I feel like if I keep going like this, I’m going to burn out. I feel though that because of my bipolar it’s one extreme or another. Like, its go, go, go, or nope, not happening. There is no in between. I know I need to work on that, because it really does bother me.

Real life, is real

Sometime things happen, and it’s just like, well damn. And you’re left asking, who? What? Where? Why? Just like, how?

It seems like life isn’t fair, as if, the real world just crashed into your personal space and there’s no boundaries. Maybe if you believe in fate, it’ll make sense, now or later, but maybe never. Somethings are just meant to be or not be in some cases.

I wrote this in August? Maybe? Regardless, it’s a sentiment that still applies. I’m not sure what I was writing this about, but I feel like it kind of applies to now. With COVID-19, it has nothing to do with fate. There are conspiracy theories surrounding how the virus was contracted in the first place. One of which is that China created it in a lab, now I’m no conspiracy theorist, but I think it’s a possibility. I’m just going to leave it at that.

Anyway, when New York shut down, real life, it got real, very quickly. We were rushing to make sure we had what we needed. Then there was literally nothing to do. My boyfriend said that you have to accept the situation that we’re in, process it however you need to, but you need to process and accept that this may be how things will be for an unknown amount of time. What did I do? I spiraled into a depression. It was severe, and really hard on me. But he snapped me out of it after weeks on weeks of this all consuming depression. And, I now am at peace with this is how things are for however long this lasts for. Now, I can take advantage of it or I can just wallow, just be like, I’m the only one who feels this way. Which is not true. Everyone may not feel things the way I do, but they’re hurting just the same. I was living in this self-centered fantasy world, and my boyfriend brought me back to the real world. He gave me what I needed to fully process and accept what’s happening.

So yes, the real world, it’s real now. We are in the middle of a global pandemic, and there is nothing we can do about it. That’s as real as it gets. Nothing any regular person does will be able the cure the virus. We can help each other make the situation easier, but we can’t create a cure. I feel like that’s a hard pill to swallow, in the grand scheme of things, most regular people, can’t help create a vaccine, they can’t administer the necessary tests. Our futures are in other peoples hands. And to me, that’s horrifying.