The Only Way Out Is Through

That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. It’s become my new mantra. I haven’t posted in a few days because I’m dealing with some PTSD related things. It’s been rough, I had a breakdown at work yesterday and had to come home.

So, at this point the only thing to do is deal with my issues head on, and work through them, because there’s no way around them. If I deal with them now, it’ll be easier in the future. If I choose to avoid them now, they’ll come back to haunt me again and again. It’s now or in another 3 years when the trauma resurfaces. Last time I dealt with this, I got extremely depressed, shut down, and ended up in the hospital because I didn’t want to live anymore. So, dealing with this isn’t something that’s easy. I’m in a much better headspace and environment now than I was then. Hopefully I can get through this a little easier than last time.

It’s like reopening a wound, making the skin raw again, and letting it heal. Like the Papa Roach song, “I tear my heart open to sew myself shut”. That’s essentially what I’m doing. I don’t have to necessarily relive the trauma, but I have to rehash some of it, bring it to the surface, and deal with it. I suppressed it, twice. Last time I dealt with it I just told people what happened, I never actually talked about it, I just thought that it would go away, and for a little while it did. Something triggered me though, and now I have to deal with it for real. According to my therapist I just have to keep myself distracted for the time being, which is easier said than done. It’s like when you least want to be distracted the more you are, and when you want to be preoccupied or distracted, you can only focus on the thing you don’t want to.

That’s where I’m at right about now. Just trying to get through the jungle of emotions, the mess of issues, and just overall trying to get better. I feel like this is kind of a setback in my process of trying to stay stable. So, I just have to keep going.

The only way out, is through.

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Don’t Quit Your Day Job Kid

In honor of my first featured blog post (link at end of post) in an emerging blogger series. I wanted to first say thank you to Ashley at Mental health @ home for giving me the opportunity! And second I wanted to reflect a little bit on why I started blogging in the first place.

Never in a million years did I think I’d have 40 followers on this blog, not when I was 19, not even two months ago.

I started this blog out of pure need for a creative outlet. I wanted to write things that someone might be able to relate to. I was never good at drawing or art or music, but I loved to write. So I figured this was free, why not. Here I am now, I know 40 may not seem like a lot, but it means so much to me, that there’s people out there who actually like what I write or are interested in what I have to say.

I keep this blog private, in the respect that, the only people I know, that know, are the people I chose to tell, which I can count on 2 hands. I write what I feel here, about my experiences, and just random rambles or rants. It truly is a creative outlet. If I didn’t get any more followers I would be perfectly fine. I was never super popular, I never really spoke my mind, and I for sure, never tell people about my bipolar, it’s a choice I’ve made, and I will continue to live my life this way. I tell who I need to tell or who I feel needs to know. Here though, it truly is a labor of love, I love writing and I love that people want to read what I write, that people can relate. I find it truly amazing.

I don’t plan on making this more than a hobby, a hobby that I am now very invested in. I don’t plan on slowing down, but I also don’t plan on dropping everything and just focusing on this. I have dreams that I still want to follow, paths that I’ve yet to choose. I just know that this blog isn’t going anywhere and neither am. I’m extremely lucky and so thankful for this blog. Just for the sheet fact that it gives me a creative outlet, it’s something that I truly enjoy.

Here’s the link!!:

http://mentalhealthathome.org/2019/07/15/emerging-blogger-series-amy/