2019 Wrap up

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, lots of things have been going on. Some doors closed and some new ones opened as the year came to a close. I finished the semester with a B average, which I’m happy with seeing how many classes I missed. Now, next semester I’ve been toying with the idea of taking the semester off. That’s because I put so much pressure on myself during the semester, which is essentially detrimental to my mental health during the semester. Not one day goes by without me being symptomatic, and that basically sums up my 2019. 

All symptoms all the time, I can’t seem to shake them, with all the medication I’m on, it really doesn’t make sense. In 2019, my doctors and I decided no more med adjustments, unless it’s absolutely necessary. So, it’s been a lot of work on my part. I really can’t say what worked and what didn’t, I just know I got by and survived everyday. Between PTSD flashbacks this summer, to intrusive thoughts this fall. It hasn’t been easy, but I made it. 

Also, towards the end of the year, I started having stomach issues and decided to cut gluten out of my diet. Which has been difficult, but beneficial. Until the holidays hit, and now I’m paying for it. Its not about losing weight, it’s about my overall health and well being. Being in discomfort and pain all the time, when there’s something I could easily do about it. So what I have to cut out sugar and bread, two of my favorite things, if it’ll make me feel better than so be it. My doctor had me get a sonogram for it, to make sure it wasn’t my gallbladder, and waiting for those results made me so anxious. Meanwhile the anxiety probably was causing a lot of my stomach problems, so it was just a vicious cycle. The sonogram came back fine, so that made me feel better, but my stomach is still bothering me today. We’ll see what happens from here. 

I’m not going to get too much into what I already went over earlier this year, so this is just a catch up of what has been happening. Since he got fired, he’s been much happier, things have been looking up. He applied for a small business program within the unemployment office, because basically, with his skill set it’ll be difficult for him to find a job in the field, that he would actually want. He doesn’t want to work somewhere where he will be as miserable, like with his last job. Anyway, he applied and we got an answer, and well, it’s been a secret project. I can’t share much here because my mom reads my blog (hi mom). But exciting things are happening. They will be revealed in just a few days. I really can’t wait. It’s going to be good, we just have to show the idea to my parents, not because we need investors or anything, but because we’ll be working out of their house, if it gets approved. So, we’re doing some work behind the scenes and hoping it all works out. Hopefully, the state has enough faith in our idea, and if they do, I hope everyone else does too. It’s something that we’ve talked about doing, just in passing, but it could become a reality. All I can say is, fingers crossed. 

So, here’s to big things coming in 2020, dreams becoming reality, and just good energy, positive mindsets, and accepting change. 

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Summer Sundays

It is way too hot right now, 93 degrees to be exact, but it has to feel like 105, especially in the apartment. I had a very uncomfortable manic episode yesterday, which is why I didn’t post yesterday. I couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t even write. I can usually write through whatever I’m feeling, but not yesterday.

I got manic because I didn’t sleep on Friday night, which will always trigger a manic episode for me, and that’s not an overstatement. Of course other things will trigger mania for me, but lack of sleep will do it no matter what. The music festival was a lot of fun, but I got so worked up, I couldn’t sleep. Which meant mania the next morning. It didn’t help that I hadn’t picked up my meds the day before, so the abilify, which usually keeps the mania in check, wasn’t in my system. So I took the other medication I’m supposed to take when I feel manic, and it stopped the mania from getting worse, but it left me with an insanely uncomfortable feeling. The type of feeling where, you’re on edge, and nothing can help you come down from it. I find it to be one of the worst feelings. Towards the end of the night I told my boyfriend that, I didn’t want to feel anymore. Which is when he told me I needed to rest, like take away all the visual stimulation, put on a book, close my eyes, and just rest. Which I did, and it kind of helped, well enough to get me through the rest of the night.

This morning was a little better, but it was hot in the living room. When I wake up first, which is pretty much always, I go in the living room to do whatever until he wakes up. The air conditioning is in the bed room though, so all I had were fans. Needless to say, I just snoozed through the morning. Then when he woke up, I came into the bedroom and couldn’t sit still, again. I thought it was going to be a continuation of yesterday, which thankfully it’s not. But that’s the thing, I feel like I’m always living in fear of the next episode, or I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can never truly relax. When I’m not anxious, I get anxious looking for something to be anxious about. Why can’t I just bask in the moment? Or enjoy, even for a little while, feeling the lightness of my chest or the relaxation of my back. Things I never feel.

I’m a lot calmer in the summer, summer is when I thrive, emotionally anyway. Once school starts, the constant stress begins and I feel like I’m never, not anxious. The fear sets in even more then, I’m going to school, I’m so afraid I won’t do well and I’ll waste the money that was spent that semester. I’m so afraid of an episode, that I trigger an episode. It’s just a vicious cycle. I need to learn how to combat that. On the upside, I was able to work all my hours this week. I didn’t leave early or anything.

I’ve learned that a lot of things have to do with mindset. I’m usually in the opposite mindset of where I should be, because I’m always in a fearful mindset. I’m doing my best to be positive, to know my true feelings, but it’s hard. Especially when I’m not used to really feeling, feelings. Positivity is something that I have to work towards everyday, it’s something that I can’t give up on.