There’s Something to Tell

As you all know I’m pretty open about my treatment and my Bipolar I diagnosis. I don’t always go into the exact medications I take. I also speak openly about my issues with migraines and how I’ve attempted to treat them and I think I should tell you about what I found that works for my migraines. Disclaimer: Let me make this clear, I do not use this migraine treatment as a treatment for Bipolar or anxiety, that is extremely important to keep in mind.

Okay, so at the end of September I was prescribed medical marijuana for my chronic migraines. I live in New York where medical use is allowed, but only medical. I didn’t go to get this because I thought it would be cool to have access to marijuana whenever I wanted. I got it because I felt like I was out of options. My neurologist didn’t want to put me on another medication since I was already on so many for my Bipolar. We tried gammacore twice, if you want me to go more into that let me know and I can write a post about my experience. The migraines had become debilitating. I would get one and I could not do anything, I’d be stuck in bed in the dark. It had kept me from going to class or going to other doctors appointments. So, we decided to go an alternate route.

In my state everything related the medical marijuana is regulated. I had to get approved by a doctor then I had to go through a whole process to get the actual product. The dispensaries are no where near my house. So I had to drive 35 minutes to an hour depending on which one I went to. Then I had to fill out a lot of forms, even though I had already been prescribed it. Then the product is not what you would expect. It is considered a medication so it has to be heavily regulated. There are several types of ways it comes, none of which is the actual weed itself. It comes in a tincture, a solution, lozenges, and a few other ways, but those are the only ways it comes because there is no recreational use. If you go to a state where it is recreational you can get edibles, like chocolate or gummies.

My preferred way is a tincture. Which is then cut with CBD and diluted. So it doesn’t really get me high at the dosage I take. It doesn’t even matter because I’ve only taken small amounts to prevent or treat the migraines and it has helped.

Anyway, this is probably the only time I will mention this on my page, but I thought you should all know.

Day to Day

My little heart hurts. I can’t seem to figure out a happy medium for how to achieve things during the day. I’ll wake up and it’s hit or miss. Most of the morning I’m usually okay. At some point though the sadness gets me. I’m not down or depressed, I’m just sad. I’m in mourning. The only things that can heal something like this is time. That’s not an easy thing to accept, because we are used to having instant answers, but the only answer to someone close to you passing, is time.

I feel like all my inspiration and will power has left me. I have ideas, but I can’t seem to act on those ideas. I can make a list, but what’s the point if I don’t have the will power to complete it? To even get one of the tasks done. Yet, like when dealing with most things, some days are better than others. For example, a few days ago I set 3 simple goals. I completed all 3 before noon. Today though, I can barely get off the couch. This is actually the third post I’ve started today because nothing seems right. I’m not able to elaborate on any of my ideas. So, I’m back to the old school writing about my feelings.

I’m roasting today, so the kitchen where I work is over 80 degrees, which I’m sure isn’t helping anything. I don’t feel like watching anything. I don’t want to engage in social media because I’m overwhelmed by the news. I can barely handle what’s happening in my personal life, let alone create my opinions on what’s happening in the world. Being a political science major, I feel like I should have thoughts, ideas, and answers. Be able to carry out a discussion. Right now though, I just can’t.

I’m very anxious, that’s how it’s been for a few days. Just consumed by anxiety. Which just makes me want to shut down and do nothing. Just curl up in a blanket in front of my fan in my 78 degree living room. So, that’s what I do. I feel like there’s only a short period of time where I can get things done during the day, I have to find that time and do all the things that I can. I had a few posts planned for this week, but those will probably be on hold until next week. I keep hoping that the next day will be better, but there’s no way to tell if it will be. I mean, if we knew how we would feel the next day, well I don’t know what would happen.

I think something I’m learning is that I’m still learning. No one expects me to know all the answers and knowing myself I know I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have to be perfect. I’m aloud to feel my feelings how ever I need to express them.

Routine Ruiner

This is going to be short. I’m not sure if I’ve written about this, but I’ve been having stomach and digestive issues since November. Including severe stomach and abdomen pain and not digesting food properly. I’ve switched to a gluten-free diet, which has helped tremendously. The thing is though if I do eat something with gluten whether it’s on purpose because once in a blue moon I lack self-control or if it’s on accident. When that happens I basically have a delayed reaction and then I’ll feel it for two days after the pain starts. Anyway, I recently ate something I shouldn’t have and now I’m having discomfort. This morning I woke up at 5 am and stayed up because I was in pain. So, since I’m not feeling well I really can’t do part of my routine. Basically working out and sitting at the table while I drink my coffee. I’ll have to rest for most of the day, which means I’ll be in bed instead of the living room where I do my work.

I got an endoscopy and it came back that I didn’t have celiac, but it did show that I had food still in my stomach after 16 hours of not eating. Which is not normal. It also came back showing I had inflammation in my stomach and esophagus. The doctor said to eat smaller meals, softer food, and eat more often throughout the day. When I follow that I’m fine, but when I stop that’s when the pain is more likely to occur. Anyway, it’s very irritating, and I just wanted to share what’s happening with my physical health.

Hey Little Fighter, Things will get Brighter

I’ve been doing a lot of research into mental illness recently. Bipolar disorder, PTSD, and anxiety mostly. I’m not sure why now and not before. I also constantly feel like uncontrollably sobbing most of the time. Let’s just say that I’m feeling a lot of emotions right now. I’ve been doing all this research and I’m not really sure what I’m looking for, as if I’m searching for answers that I know don’t exist. Because what I feel is so personal, and raw, like people can relate, but no one feels the exact same way as I do at any given time, and I can’t always explain what I feel. It’s all very frustrating.

I haven’t been able to blog because I’ve been searching for these answers that can only be found in the depths of my mind. I keep thinking and thinking, I can feel my soul be suffocated, but I can never reach the answers I’m looking for. Mostly because I can’t figure out what question I’m asking on any given day. I just know I’m tired, exhausted, of my mind being at war with itself. Going through these flashbacks, which have thankfully subsided, has put a toll on me, like, it’s hard to figure out reality and memories, what’s now and what is history. So, there was that, now I’m just lost. My brain can’t handle much these days. I haven’t been able to work a full day of work, I’ve been isolating and spending a lot of time curled up on our tiny couch in our tiny living room, where it’s cozy and safe. I constantly have to remind myself that I’m safe, and what happened wasn’t my fault.

I didn’t do anything wrong, so why am I suffering?

I just don’t understand. My soul and mind can’t take it. The only reoccurring thought I have is that, I don’t want to die. I’m feeling a lot of fear right now, and it’s smothering me. I’m scared mostly of becoming suicidal and having to go back to the hospital. I don’t know why I feel like that if all I keep saying is that I don’t want to die. Like, that’s the opposite of what I’m truly afraid of. So I don’t know why I’m so distressed. My therapist says I’m fearing fear itself right now, because I also keep thinking about death.

All I think of when I think of being afraid of fear itself, I think about Harry Potter, when Lupin tells Harry that he’s afraid of fear itself because he’s afraid of the dementors, which are the guards of the wizard prison azkaban, and they feed off happiness and suck out peoples souls. Lovely image, right? I suppose that’s the point. Anyway, that’s how I feel, like a dementor is here sucking the life out of me.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, like I said, just sob uncontrollably until there’s no more tears left. I feel like that’s not possible though. I feel like I don’t know what I feel. I feel like I don’t know anything. I’m searching for answers to nothing, answers to a question that my soul is asking that I can’t make out. I suppose if I want to know the question, I have to get down and dirty with my feelings. I have to take a deep dive, take a break, and nourish my soul. It needs to be cared for now more than ever.

Also, on a positive note, it’s my birth-month. I LOVE my birthday, like I really love it. As soon as August hits I start my count down. Now it’s the 7th and I could care less about turning 25, a few weeks ago I was so exited and planning my trip to Salem, MA (where my boyfriend and I will be spending most of my birth-week). Now, I just feel like I’m struggling to get through the day. I’m just tired and over these emotions and I just want to give up. I won’t though. I’m in this for the long haul and I will walk through the fire, or I will rise from it, like a phoenix.

 

Saturdays are Boring (sometimes)

To say the least, today was boring. Nothing eventful happened, I pretty much sat around all day and did nothing. I mean, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s kind of odd for me. I wasn’t feeling well again, physically, my migraine has returned, no matter how much I drink I feel dehydrated, my head feels all fuzzy and cloudy. So, today was a good day to have nothing to do.

I did get my paycheck today though, I got paid on Thursday, my mom picked up my check yesterday, and I cashed it today. I should be happy, but I’m really not. I’m in a spending mood, and when I spend, I spend a lot. That’s me being slightly manic. My bipolar mind is telling me to spend allll the money, on alllll the things. What things? I have no idea, whatever it is, just buy it. I wish I wasn’t like that. One time when I was manic, I skipped class, went to the mall, and maxed out my credit card. Did I care? Not one bit. I wanted it, so I got it, that simple.

So, back to my boring day, it should have been relaxing. Like, nothing to do? Let me chill out. I am not good at relaxing. I’m in like this constant state of anxiety, on some level. no matter what, I’m anxious. This morning I was actually relaxed though, which is surprising because I get severe anxiety in the morning. Especially when I wake up too early, which was the case this morning. I’ve been up since 6. Luckily my dad got up at 7, so I was able to sit outside with him and read for a little while. It was beautiful out, I read some philosophy and we chatted, it was one of the nicest mornings I’ve had in a few weeks. Once it hit like 9:30 though, anxiety central. It was most likely do to that it was going to be super hot today, and as I’ve learned, I do not have a tolerance for the heat. There were errands I had to run, but I was afraid to go out and do them. I ended up going to the office with my mom,  my migraine got worse, as well as my anxiety. I finally was able to run my errands and by time I got back, my migraine was in full force, I couldn’t function, I wanted to cry.

I’ve been having a lot of physical ailments lately, not so much bipolar symptoms. Honestly, I’ll take it. Yeah, physical pain can get so intense, but people will sympathize. People won’t always understand or know exactly what to do when I bring up my bipolar symptoms as a reason for “not feeling well”, which is why I never say that’s why I’m not going somewhere or staying somewhere. It’s not easy carrying a single burden, mental or physical symptoms, but when you carry both, sometimes it’s too much. But, I’ll do what I always do, keep going.