It’s Okay to Feel Okay

So, it’s Saturday afternoon. I’m roasting coffee for an order, it’s very warm and muggy on Long Island, and the apartment is even hotter. I was in distress because when it gets hot I’m more prone to migraines, and just like everyone else feels, I get very uncomfortable in general. Well, I found a fan on the top shelf of our bathroom cabinets, my boyfriend got it down. I went out to drop off a delivery and as I was driving back I felt that tinge of pain that is the beginning of a migraine. When I got home, he had set up the fan in the kitchen and I remembered that I had a nice cold celsius energy drink in the fridge. So, I’m standing here, drinking my cold drink, with the fan aimed at my back and youtube videos on, and writing. I am a happy camper. I don’t know that last time I said that. I used to say it a lot for small things, like, if I got ice cream on a random day, I would be a happy camper. Anyway, I’m comfortable and I’m okay. I am okay. I’m not saying I’m fantastic or anything, I’m just okay or neutral. I don’t know how long this will last so I’m going to take advantage of it.

I always have a post planned or have a seed of an idea planted in my head, but right this second I don’t. I’m just going to free write a little bit. Like I said, I’m roasting right now. The beans smell amazing and look even better. I’m happy with my work. There’s another bean I’m having a bit of trouble with, but I have confidence I will figure it out. I’m part of this blogger group on facebook and I keep seeing people posting this or that about their blog. My post about comparison is live by now, so you may know that I’m having some issues with comparing myself to others right now. Also, I’m what I like to call a “lurker” on Facebook. I don’t post too often, I don’t comment or like, I just fly under the radar. To the point where people rarely say happy birthday to me on my birthday. So, here I am seeing all these veteran and emerging bloggers come together and what am I doing? Comparing myself. This person writes 1000 word posts, on that same post I was following about word counts someone wrote “20 percent more than your competition”. I was a bit taken aback. Are we in this group to compete with each other or help each other? Who am I competing against? The only person I can think of is myself. I mean, of course there’s other blogs that are advertising and getting monetized, but I’m not there yet. At this point in my blogging career the only person I’m trying to be better than, is myself.

I have to learn to set reasonable goals for myself. Maybe one post I had during the week reached 1000 words or so. Maybe the next week I’ll aim for two posts with that many words. I mean maybe pretty loosely. I know what I’m capable of and I know what a reasonable goal for myself is. Other people set their goals based on their lives. What their everyday life is like. For example, I love blogging, but I have other priorities. I have a small business to run, I have things to do for school, and most importantly my biggest priority is my mental health. Besides my relationships with people and my animals, my mental health needs to take priority. I don’t know what these other bloggers are going through, I don’t know what they do besides blogging. Just like social media, you only see what they want you to see. I feel like I’m pretty open about my mental health and how it affects me. I don’t go much further than that though, which is why I want to add in some lifestyle here and there. I want to show you more than just mental health, because while it may be my priority, it’s not all that I am. Most of my weekly posts are pre-written, because when I do feel okay or have a spark of inspiration during my down time I want to take advantage of it. Which is why my weekend posts are written day of, I want you to see what I did this week and read my rambles about what I want to get done. Anyway, I’m going to go take advantage of feeling okay and just lounge around the apartment.

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Anxiety Killed Sunday

If you saw Sundays post, I went on about how it was my lazy day and I could do anything. Well, I forgot about this little thing called anxiety. I wrote my post around 7:30 am and I thought, yeah today is going to be great. I didn’t think about anxiety. When I’m not doing things anxiety sets in. If what I’m watching isn’t interesting, anxiety. Try and read a book, I can’t focus, anxiety. Think about what else I can do, I think about every single way it could go wrong or make me anxious. So, I figured I would write. I took my anti-anxiety medication and waiting for it to kick in is the worst. I know it’ll help, but waiting for it to happen, it drags. I try and breathe, it feels like there’s a weight on my chest. I put on a podcast because it actually engages my mind. It’s not some mindless beauty video that doesn’t really peak my interest. I would get super anxious though if I tried to sit and watch a show on Netflix. I really feel like crying, but that will not be productive. So. here I sit, listening to my podcast, my mind racing. I forgot to do this, this past week, I have to do this today for work that I didn’t think about. Basically my Sunday is no longer mine. It belongs to my anxiety.

Now, I can think all I want about how I can feel better. They can be good ideas, but my anxiety will prevent me from doing them. I just can’t breathe. Maybe if I go outside and get some fresh air, but that involves me getting ready to go outside, and then I think about maybe I’ll have to interact with people. That is not something I can handle. My thing for work that I have to do usually doesn’t make me anxious, I can usually do it and be done. I’m self-conscious though, what if it doesn’t get likes, what if I just can’t do it. All I can think about is the negative things that are involved in what it takes to do the task. I can’t see the end goal and think about how I’ll feel when it’s done. I feel like I’ll do it and I won’t feel accomplished, so why even start?

I’m restless, I don’t even know how I’m sitting here writing this. I know I will get sucked into the couch if I stay there. I’ll feel even worse if I lay in the bed. What do I do? How do I feel better? Well, I’m not very good at self-care especially when I feel anxious. Maybe I need a routine specifically for Sundays. That is probably a good idea. It’s too late to do it today, but I can do it next week. It 12:53 and I’m not sure what I’m going to do with the rest of my day. I could let anxiety kill Sunday, but I could also not. We won’t find out until tonight.

At this point the anti-anxiety med has kicked in, and I feel a bit more relaxed. I need to take this momentum. Do tiny things. Eat, drink water, listen to podcasts instead of tv, and don’t panic. Now, none of these things may happen, maybe they will. But at this point, anxiety has killed my ideal Sunday and it has made me realize, that if I don’t have some sort of schedule for Sunday, anxiety will kill every single one.

How are You Doing

It’s such a loaded question. It makes you think, how am I actually doing? Or, what are you going to tell this person? What you think they want to hear or maybe you can actually tell them how you actually are. It depends on the person, but it also depends on you.

For me, I always take the safe route and just say that “I’m fine”, or if it’s my dad, I just kind of make noises like “eh. meh.” and he understands. But, when is the right time to open up and say, “No, I’m not doing okay.”? I can’t answer that for anyone else, but I’ve learned to pick and choose who I say what to. I feel like there are some people who need to know, some people I actually want to know, then there’s people who don’t need to know or maybe even don’t deserve to know. It’s something that really needs to be contemplated though, I mean, that’s what I think anyway. Like, who in your life do you feel like you can turn to and tell them that you are not okay. Who do you reach out to? Who do you feel safe with?

Answering that question can leave you very exposed, because there are so many variables that go into the answer, but you have a split second to answer. So, what do you do? How do you answer? Are you really doing “fine”? You’ll know, but depending on what other people say, you decide on what you’re going to say. I feel like this issue runs through everyone’s head when the question is asked.

If you have mental illness, it make take a lot out of you to answer the question truthfully, you may be on autopilot and say a very basic, vague answer. Like I said, there are a lot of variables. Your comfort level with the person, the setting, the situation. It’s like you have to run through the five W’s (Who, What, When, Where, and Why) before you can answer the question.

I was thinking about this the other day, how I wish I wasn’t bipolar, how I wish I was “normal”, how I wish I didn’t have anxiety. Because I hate all those things, and they’re things I want to say when people ask how I’m doing, but I would never say those things. So, it’s something I have to deal with everyday of my life, I have to fight through and deal with it. Be stronger everyday. It’s not easy though. Some days when someone asks, you just want to beak down and cry and say that you are not okay. But, you’ll put on a brave face and a smile and say that everything is just peachy.

It’s not easy and it sure as hell isn’t fair, but it’s something that we always have to deal with, mental illness or not, people have bad days. Not everyone is hiding something, but some are. Life is just what it is. So next time someone asks how you’re doing, take an extra tenth of a second to think, reflect, how am I doing? Am I sugar coating it for this person? If I don’t, will they understand?

If you need validation for telling someone that you’re okay when you’re not, it’s here. I mean, find someone you trust and feel comfortable with and tell them, but you don’t have to tell someone in passing or someone you don’t see often how you’re actually doing.