This Wednesday is Brought to you by…

A very large cold brew, some great tuneage on Spotify, and most importantly noise cancelling headphones. (I mean food too and water). Oh, and support group.

It was a fairly easy breezy day. I got to work early, so I could leave early, so I could go to support group. The thing is, a woman from our accounting firm was at the office, and I know, from experience, that she does not have an inside voice. Hence, the noise cancelling headphones. I went through my files, I’m now on my last cabinet, which is kind of a relief. The thing is though, that I talked to my boyfriend today about my heart hurting for other people and situations. I’ve been “sad” for days, he didn’t understand why, and I couldn’t explain it. Until today that is. He understood and we talked about it, which was really nice.

Anyway, the barista at my coffee shop remembered my order, I got to leave work early, I’m getting donuts at support group, this Wednesday isn’t the worst, and we all know how much I hate Wednesdays. Nothing eventful happened today, so, so far so good. I’m pretty anxious about getting to group, it’s about 40 minutes away, and it’s driving somewhere new, I’m going to do it though, and I’ll get through it.

The thing is though, I have a very strict nighttime routine I follow, which starts at 9:00 exactly. I won’t get back from support group until 9:15 at the earliest. Which, in turn, will throw off my entire routine. I don’t like messing with this routine, it keeps me grounded, it’s one of the only things that is a staple in my life. Like, time management wise. If I don’t follow it, I get nighttime anxiety, like my morning anxiety, it is severe, I won’t be able to sleep, and when I don’t sleep, I get manic. I don’t think going to group and starting my routine a little later will really do much damage, and I’m not really worried about it.

This is an under 30 support group, it’ll be my first time at this one. I’m not too anxious, I’m going because I was invited by one of the facilitators, so I figured, why not. I’ll go and check it out, maybe find some people I can relate to. I don’t have many friends with mental illness, let alone people my age. It will be a new experience. I’m nervous, but like, nervous excited. So, I’ll stop for coffee on my way there and hope for the best. I’ve only been to two support groups, ever, all through the same organization, they were nice, I found it helpful, and like I had found people like me, who understood. It is truly something I am glad to have found.

Check back tomorrow for an update! Also, as long as it doesn’t rain, I may be blogging from a music festival tomorrow!!

Tuesdays are for Late Naps

Sorry this is going up so late, but my anxiety was so bad earlier, I took anti-anxiety meds, and they knocked me out. I slept from about 7-9:20 pm. The thing is, that I have a very strict night time routine. Which starts at 9:00 exactly. So between waking up so late and having to take my dog out, and now writing this, there’s no time for my routine. Which we call “simmering”. No simmering, usually results in my waking up early the next morning with anxiety, especially this time, because I’m going to have to force myself back to sleep.

The thing is, I’m not upset about this nap. My body must have needed it, I’ve been so stressed and anxious the past few days, I must not have been getting enough restful sleep. So my body took what it needed. I usually try to not take naps, because I always feel pretty bad when I wake up from them. Sometimes, naps are okay though, they can be refreshing, sometimes they’re what you need. Tonight, it probably won’t help me I feel refreshed and it sure won’t help me in the morning. But I am sure, that my body will thank me for it. I’m going to leave this here and try and go back to sleep. Which may or may not happen.

Some nights

Some nights she just gets caught up in the feeling of loneliness, the emptiness of a bed, and the solitude of her own breath, mixed with nothing but her own thoughts.
Some nights she’s fine.
Some nights the loneliness eats away at her, gnawing away at her every thought and lingering with her every sigh. It’s the heavy type of loneliness, the kind you feel on you chest, the kind that can only be cured by a warm body, or the sound of some one else’s breathing swirling with your own. But for her, it’s not always the loneliness of sleeping alone that gets her, it’s the loneliness of waking up alone. The feeling you get when you first open your eyes to see someone else soundly sleeping next to you. The way you have the ability to roll over into them and just be there in that moment, and then have the ability to fall back asleep and do it again, hours or minutes later. And to her that’s the worst type of loneliness to feel.
Some nights, she just can’t handle impeding feeling of waking up alone. So she just let’s the loneliness consume her.
Some nights, she just let’s the loneliness be.