New Year, New Me?

Nah. I’m not about that. I’m not even that into new years resolutions. So, here I am on January 1st, 2021. It sounds crazy to say. Some how I made it through 2020. And all I can ask myself is, How? Like, gurl, how the hell did you do that? I should be proud of myself. It’s hard to appreciate how far I had to come to make it through 2020, when all I can think about are the mood swings that were and those that are to come. Right this second, I’m in an irritable, angry mood. For no other reason other than, I just am. It’s hard to accept that fact, that a lot of times, I just am feeling a a feeling and I need to let it be what it is. Not look too closely at it. If it’s an intrusive thought, accept it and put it on the shelf.

So, are there things I want to accomplish in 2021? Of course. I made a list of more things I want to do, and less things I want to do. Some of them are basic, like don’t eat gluten. Other ones are a lot harder, like don’t stream too much, don’t intake as much social media. I want to read more, but right now it seems that I don’t have the focus for one book. Earlier in 2020 I attempted to put a “one book” rule in place. In which I could only read one book at a time. Then once I finished that book, I could move onto the next. The thing is, my bipolar brain doesn’t work like that.

My bipolar brain needs just the right amount of stimulation. Too much, I get over whelmed and anxious. When there’s a lack of stimulation, like there has been this year, I get manic. I can never seem to find that balance though. Which, means I’m almost always symptomatic. So, i would like to control that in 2021. I know that’s kind of a doozy of a goal, because it’s impossible to control something you don’t fully understand.

I’ve been anxious all day, it’s like a new year hasn’t even started. I’ve been rocking more, I’ve been cocooning in blankets more. It’s a bit reminiscent of my hiding in the closet days. I would curl up and sleep on the floor of my mini walk in closet. So, I’m not sure if it’s the best thing to do. I don’t know. I need something, but I’m not sure what it is exactly. I just know “New Year, New Me” will not solve any of my problems. I’m just so tired all the time and my doctor thinks it’s because of all the meds I’m on. A lot of them have side effects of lethargy. I just don’t want to feel so lost this year. I want to find a way to be more grounded. So, cheers to the new year, may yours be filled with health and happiness, and here’s to hopefully more blog posts coming from me.

Advertisement

2019 Wrap up

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, lots of things have been going on. Some doors closed and some new ones opened as the year came to a close. I finished the semester with a B average, which I’m happy with seeing how many classes I missed. Now, next semester I’ve been toying with the idea of taking the semester off. That’s because I put so much pressure on myself during the semester, which is essentially detrimental to my mental health during the semester. Not one day goes by without me being symptomatic, and that basically sums up my 2019. 

All symptoms all the time, I can’t seem to shake them, with all the medication I’m on, it really doesn’t make sense. In 2019, my doctors and I decided no more med adjustments, unless it’s absolutely necessary. So, it’s been a lot of work on my part. I really can’t say what worked and what didn’t, I just know I got by and survived everyday. Between PTSD flashbacks this summer, to intrusive thoughts this fall. It hasn’t been easy, but I made it. 

Also, towards the end of the year, I started having stomach issues and decided to cut gluten out of my diet. Which has been difficult, but beneficial. Until the holidays hit, and now I’m paying for it. Its not about losing weight, it’s about my overall health and well being. Being in discomfort and pain all the time, when there’s something I could easily do about it. So what I have to cut out sugar and bread, two of my favorite things, if it’ll make me feel better than so be it. My doctor had me get a sonogram for it, to make sure it wasn’t my gallbladder, and waiting for those results made me so anxious. Meanwhile the anxiety probably was causing a lot of my stomach problems, so it was just a vicious cycle. The sonogram came back fine, so that made me feel better, but my stomach is still bothering me today. We’ll see what happens from here. 

I’m not going to get too much into what I already went over earlier this year, so this is just a catch up of what has been happening. Since he got fired, he’s been much happier, things have been looking up. He applied for a small business program within the unemployment office, because basically, with his skill set it’ll be difficult for him to find a job in the field, that he would actually want. He doesn’t want to work somewhere where he will be as miserable, like with his last job. Anyway, he applied and we got an answer, and well, it’s been a secret project. I can’t share much here because my mom reads my blog (hi mom). But exciting things are happening. They will be revealed in just a few days. I really can’t wait. It’s going to be good, we just have to show the idea to my parents, not because we need investors or anything, but because we’ll be working out of their house, if it gets approved. So, we’re doing some work behind the scenes and hoping it all works out. Hopefully, the state has enough faith in our idea, and if they do, I hope everyone else does too. It’s something that we’ve talked about doing, just in passing, but it could become a reality. All I can say is, fingers crossed. 

So, here’s to big things coming in 2020, dreams becoming reality, and just good energy, positive mindsets, and accepting change.