Saturdays are for finding something to believe in

I’ve been writing in my journal all day, but I feel like I have no material for this blog. I’ve been missing posts which is something that I didn’t want to do. I’ve been letting my fear and anxiety get the best of me and I’ve essentially been hiding in my apartment. Nothing seems worth while, nothing sounds good or fun. Every little thing is a struggle.

All I feel is constant panic. Fight or flight, but the only thing I’m fighting is myself. Is this my new normal? Today I felt like everyone was doing something but me. As if, the world was moving, but I was standing still. Watching everyone from the outside while they move on and move along and I’m just stuck. I feel like I’m a horrible person and like I’m slacking in my life. I always say no to things, and I can never commit to anything or get anything done. I haven’t been able to work a full work week without taking a day off or leaving early, I haven’t signed up for classes yet, and it’s the middle of August. My biggest thing is avoidance. I do whatever I can to avoid the things that make me feel the way that I do, but it just makes things worse.

The only way out is though, is what I keep telling myself, but I feel like I’m not sticking to it. Like, I’m so busy trying to find a way around that I could already have dealt with some of my issues by now. It is what it is though. I am who I am. I have to stop with the negative self talk and saying that, I’m the worst or that I’m a horrible person. I know the truth is that I’m neither of those things. It’s just my own mind. I have to strengthen my mind to fight against these negative thoughts, so I can deal with them and try and have a more positive mindset.

I’m nervous for my birthday in Salem because I’m afraid my anxiety will ruin it and I won’t have fun. I have to have hope though, I have to believe something good will happen. That good things will come to me and I will thrive. It will happen, it’s just me against me. Nothing else, I’m what’s in my way. If I can learn to be better about negative self talk and my tendency to avoid my issues, I think I can go very far. I just have to believe. I have to believe in myself and trust my journey. I’m not a religious person, but I believe there is something out there that’s bigger than us. Even with all the self doubt, I have dreams and I have things I want to accomplish, and at the end of the day, I believe in myself.

I always do, I always will, and even when I forget, I still believe.

Advertisement

Summer Sundays

It is way too hot right now, 93 degrees to be exact, but it has to feel like 105, especially in the apartment. I had a very uncomfortable manic episode yesterday, which is why I didn’t post yesterday. I couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t even write. I can usually write through whatever I’m feeling, but not yesterday.

I got manic because I didn’t sleep on Friday night, which will always trigger a manic episode for me, and that’s not an overstatement. Of course other things will trigger mania for me, but lack of sleep will do it no matter what. The music festival was a lot of fun, but I got so worked up, I couldn’t sleep. Which meant mania the next morning. It didn’t help that I hadn’t picked up my meds the day before, so the abilify, which usually keeps the mania in check, wasn’t in my system. So I took the other medication I’m supposed to take when I feel manic, and it stopped the mania from getting worse, but it left me with an insanely uncomfortable feeling. The type of feeling where, you’re on edge, and nothing can help you come down from it. I find it to be one of the worst feelings. Towards the end of the night I told my boyfriend that, I didn’t want to feel anymore. Which is when he told me I needed to rest, like take away all the visual stimulation, put on a book, close my eyes, and just rest. Which I did, and it kind of helped, well enough to get me through the rest of the night.

This morning was a little better, but it was hot in the living room. When I wake up first, which is pretty much always, I go in the living room to do whatever until he wakes up. The air conditioning is in the bed room though, so all I had were fans. Needless to say, I just snoozed through the morning. Then when he woke up, I came into the bedroom and couldn’t sit still, again. I thought it was going to be a continuation of yesterday, which thankfully it’s not. But that’s the thing, I feel like I’m always living in fear of the next episode, or I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can never truly relax. When I’m not anxious, I get anxious looking for something to be anxious about. Why can’t I just bask in the moment? Or enjoy, even for a little while, feeling the lightness of my chest or the relaxation of my back. Things I never feel.

I’m a lot calmer in the summer, summer is when I thrive, emotionally anyway. Once school starts, the constant stress begins and I feel like I’m never, not anxious. The fear sets in even more then, I’m going to school, I’m so afraid I won’t do well and I’ll waste the money that was spent that semester. I’m so afraid of an episode, that I trigger an episode. It’s just a vicious cycle. I need to learn how to combat that. On the upside, I was able to work all my hours this week. I didn’t leave early or anything.

I’ve learned that a lot of things have to do with mindset. I’m usually in the opposite mindset of where I should be, because I’m always in a fearful mindset. I’m doing my best to be positive, to know my true feelings, but it’s hard. Especially when I’m not used to really feeling, feelings. Positivity is something that I have to work towards everyday, it’s something that I can’t give up on.