Trying is Enough

I’m sorry about the unexpected hiatus. I’ve been mourning pretty hard the past week or so. I’m writing this at 6:20 in the morning. For some reason i felt like writing so I wanted to take advantage of it.

What’s been happening is that I’ve been consumed with anxiety. Like when I wake up, on a scale of 1-10, my anxiety is usually about a 7. It doesn’t really let up during the day either. So, basically to combat the anxiety I have to try and revamp my morning routine. Which I don’t want to do, but I need to. My mental health is the most important thing. If that means I need to change a few things then by all means I will. I’m cutting back from working out 6 days to 4 or 5. I’m just kind of changing random things to see if it’ll make things better. I’m not really sure what else to do. Today, i decided to have a snack when I woke up, with my water. We’ll see.

Another thing I’m doing is trying to change my mindset. I try to think, okay I feel bad, what do I need to do feel better? It’s more of an active way of approaching my anxiety rather than passive. Right now the answer is usually anti-anxiety medication and time. I’m so consumed with sadness that my body doesn’t know what to do and my anxiety kicks in. The only thing that heals a loss though is time. So, I try and find a distraction and relax.

Another way I’m trying to do is complain less. I’m constantly complaining about how bad I feel, like every hour. How is that being productive? If I just lay around and just keep thinking that I don’t feel well, I’ll get lost in my own head. That is not helpful at all and it’s very annoying. I’m not very good a looking at the big picture when I don’t feel well. Which is also not helpful. Since I’ve been trying to change my mindset things are kind of getting better. I feel better this morning so far, I mean, I’ve only been awake for 38 minutes, but usually by this point my anxiety would be a 7 and I’d be curled up on the couch under a blanket trying to control my breathing.

I’m going to make a to-do list today with like two things. I don’t want to overwhelm myself because that will trigger my anxiety. Let’s be real though, almost anything can trigger my anxiety. It’s more about how I handle it now. It’s about how much effort I put in even though I don’t feel well. It’s about trying and that has to be enough.

Let the creativity flow a little bit, girl

I haven’t been feeling very creative lately. So I haven’t posted anything in a very long time. I don’t know, a lot has been weighing on my mind, and I haven’t been feeling the best emotionally and physically. I feel like I haven’t been connected to myself. I stopped writing all together and I haven’t been reading as much. So pretty much, all my inspiration has dried up. Until today. Today, I feel better. I feel like I’m in a good place right now. (Knock on wood).

I haven’t been as anxious lately, the source of most of my anxiety has been stemming from the fact that I have nothing to be anxious about. Like, I’m constantly looking for things to be anxious about. If that makes any sense. I have to learn to get over that, some way some how. I need to start living in the moment, not like being spontaneous, but just being. I decided to start weening myself off social media, because that’s a major part of my stress. I’m still in the stage of my life where I care what other people think of me. As if I need to curate all of these pictures to look like I have everything together. I feel like, once I learn to let that go, I’ll be able to find more peace within myself.

So today, I’m currently sitting in my best friends bed with her, helping her rebrand her business. We were brainstorming some ideas, and I said, we’re creative in different ways, which is 100% true, she paints and draws and makes jewelry. I’m more of a writer and an idea person. I can’t draw particularly well, but I love to write. Which shows how little inspiration and drive I’ve been having, since I haven’t even wanted to write, not pick up a pen, let alone blog. I want to get back into it though. I’ve missed this. Just sitting here and typing how I feel. I find it relaxing and just overall good for me.

At the end of August, I went to Salem, MA with my boyfriend. I thought being there would spark some type of inspiration, but it didn’t. I absolutely love Salem, but it didn’t spark enough inspiration in me to write. But I’m back now. I’m going to try and write more. Get back into it.

School started though, so I truly have to focus on that, but I want to write a little bit at least. I want to respark what I had inside of me over the summer. I helps having a very creative friend, and sitting here with her, is making the creativity flow a little easier.

I just want to take this chance to say how beyond thankful I am for my friends and family, my support system. I know my bipolar can have an impact on them, and they always stick by me. Especially through all the episodes, irrational thoughts, and anxiety.

I’m trying not to let the anxiety get to me or get me down. I know I just have to push myself a little bit more, but I also have to know my limits. Knowing when I’m doing too much and making myself overwhelmed, or just being in my head too much. I have to be more self aware and just be. In the moment, in a good mindset, just in a good place. And be able to accept that I’m not going to be anxious all the time, and I have to stop looking for things to be anxious about. I can’t let the disorder control me, because I control it.

Saturdays are for finding something to believe in

I’ve been writing in my journal all day, but I feel like I have no material for this blog. I’ve been missing posts which is something that I didn’t want to do. I’ve been letting my fear and anxiety get the best of me and I’ve essentially been hiding in my apartment. Nothing seems worth while, nothing sounds good or fun. Every little thing is a struggle.

All I feel is constant panic. Fight or flight, but the only thing I’m fighting is myself. Is this my new normal? Today I felt like everyone was doing something but me. As if, the world was moving, but I was standing still. Watching everyone from the outside while they move on and move along and I’m just stuck. I feel like I’m a horrible person and like I’m slacking in my life. I always say no to things, and I can never commit to anything or get anything done. I haven’t been able to work a full work week without taking a day off or leaving early, I haven’t signed up for classes yet, and it’s the middle of August. My biggest thing is avoidance. I do whatever I can to avoid the things that make me feel the way that I do, but it just makes things worse.

The only way out is though, is what I keep telling myself, but I feel like I’m not sticking to it. Like, I’m so busy trying to find a way around that I could already have dealt with some of my issues by now. It is what it is though. I am who I am. I have to stop with the negative self talk and saying that, I’m the worst or that I’m a horrible person. I know the truth is that I’m neither of those things. It’s just my own mind. I have to strengthen my mind to fight against these negative thoughts, so I can deal with them and try and have a more positive mindset.

I’m nervous for my birthday in Salem because I’m afraid my anxiety will ruin it and I won’t have fun. I have to have hope though, I have to believe something good will happen. That good things will come to me and I will thrive. It will happen, it’s just me against me. Nothing else, I’m what’s in my way. If I can learn to be better about negative self talk and my tendency to avoid my issues, I think I can go very far. I just have to believe. I have to believe in myself and trust my journey. I’m not a religious person, but I believe there is something out there that’s bigger than us. Even with all the self doubt, I have dreams and I have things I want to accomplish, and at the end of the day, I believe in myself.

I always do, I always will, and even when I forget, I still believe.

Summer Sundays

It is way too hot right now, 93 degrees to be exact, but it has to feel like 105, especially in the apartment. I had a very uncomfortable manic episode yesterday, which is why I didn’t post yesterday. I couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t even write. I can usually write through whatever I’m feeling, but not yesterday.

I got manic because I didn’t sleep on Friday night, which will always trigger a manic episode for me, and that’s not an overstatement. Of course other things will trigger mania for me, but lack of sleep will do it no matter what. The music festival was a lot of fun, but I got so worked up, I couldn’t sleep. Which meant mania the next morning. It didn’t help that I hadn’t picked up my meds the day before, so the abilify, which usually keeps the mania in check, wasn’t in my system. So I took the other medication I’m supposed to take when I feel manic, and it stopped the mania from getting worse, but it left me with an insanely uncomfortable feeling. The type of feeling where, you’re on edge, and nothing can help you come down from it. I find it to be one of the worst feelings. Towards the end of the night I told my boyfriend that, I didn’t want to feel anymore. Which is when he told me I needed to rest, like take away all the visual stimulation, put on a book, close my eyes, and just rest. Which I did, and it kind of helped, well enough to get me through the rest of the night.

This morning was a little better, but it was hot in the living room. When I wake up first, which is pretty much always, I go in the living room to do whatever until he wakes up. The air conditioning is in the bed room though, so all I had were fans. Needless to say, I just snoozed through the morning. Then when he woke up, I came into the bedroom and couldn’t sit still, again. I thought it was going to be a continuation of yesterday, which thankfully it’s not. But that’s the thing, I feel like I’m always living in fear of the next episode, or I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can never truly relax. When I’m not anxious, I get anxious looking for something to be anxious about. Why can’t I just bask in the moment? Or enjoy, even for a little while, feeling the lightness of my chest or the relaxation of my back. Things I never feel.

I’m a lot calmer in the summer, summer is when I thrive, emotionally anyway. Once school starts, the constant stress begins and I feel like I’m never, not anxious. The fear sets in even more then, I’m going to school, I’m so afraid I won’t do well and I’ll waste the money that was spent that semester. I’m so afraid of an episode, that I trigger an episode. It’s just a vicious cycle. I need to learn how to combat that. On the upside, I was able to work all my hours this week. I didn’t leave early or anything.

I’ve learned that a lot of things have to do with mindset. I’m usually in the opposite mindset of where I should be, because I’m always in a fearful mindset. I’m doing my best to be positive, to know my true feelings, but it’s hard. Especially when I’m not used to really feeling, feelings. Positivity is something that I have to work towards everyday, it’s something that I can’t give up on.

Plan your escape

It’s a slow day at work today. I’m by myself, doing nothing, so I figured I’d write a post. It’s been awhile. Basically, I’ve been feeling good. Well more like neural, no waiting for the other shoe to drop kind of good, but just chilling good. It’s amazing. I haven’t felt like this in forever.

Anyway, I switched from adderall to vyvanse, so far so good. By that I mean I just switched yesterday morning and nothing bad has happened yet. Sooo yeah, I’m pretty happy about it.

I’m working today, I’m very proud of myself, I’ve only taken one day off in the last four weeks and I didn’t leave early any days. Like, who am I? The queen of “not feeling well” to the point where I would keep myself from doing things, even working. I’m in a much better head space from a year ago. Why, I don’t know. I keep writing in my journal, that something isn’t clicking, but that’s the thing, I think things are clicking. Finally. So no symptoms are the best symptoms, right?

I guess to answer my own question, it’s a thin line. Sometimes you’ll get too comfortable with no symptoms and neglect yourself, sometimes you’ll focus on it too much and you won’t let yourself feel, what I would call, neutral. So I guess I’ve found the balance. I’m taking care of myself, the best I can, but, also doing the best I can, I’m aware. Aware of triggers, situations, my own anxiety. Mostly triggers. I’m thinking about it now. Like, if this situation is going to make me anxious, than I’ll handle it this way. Instead of blindly going in and hoping it’ll work out, that’s not how my brain works. I need to be prepared, always have an escape plan. Even if it’s just me telling someone that I “don’t feel well”, that’s my default. No matter what I do or where I go, I think I’ll always be the queen of “I don’t feel well”. It’s my roots. I used to have trouble describing what I felt, so I would just say that I didn’t feel well, because that’s all I knew. I knew I didn’t feel well, I couldn’t explain why or anything past that, that was my baseline. For a long time. How and why that changed was a force of nature and it just so happened that, that force was me. I thought it was meds or biology, but it was me.

I am the force of nature behind this change.

Get it Together Girl

By girl, I mean me. I’ve been falling off the wagon recently with everything. Skincare, hair care, organization, self care and love, and mostly school. I don’t know what happened. I fell into a depression and I didn’t know what to do, then there was the crippling anxiety. I mean I guess that could have something to do with it, actually that has everything to do with it. I’ve had to learn that I can’t let my depression and anxiety control me, but that’s easier said than done.

I was also sick, then I was throwing up at least once a week for 2 weeks for no reason. It could be explained as stress, but that’s hard to except. That I was so stressed out that I threw up? That’s something new. I don’t like it. I know things are bad when my skin starts suffering. I have breakouts and dark spots and dullness. Things were to the point where I wouldn’t even wash my face or shower on a regular schedule. I used to have my weeks scheduled out, even my days, but that stopped working to make me want to do things. I just need to get it together. I just don’t know how. I feel lost and as if no one can help. The doctors have decided that I don’t need to change meds and that my dosage can’t be increased, which means it’s up to me. I have to find the strength to change and be better, do better. It’s easier said that done though.