Summer Sundays

It is way too hot right now, 93 degrees to be exact, but it has to feel like 105, especially in the apartment. I had a very uncomfortable manic episode yesterday, which is why I didn’t post yesterday. I couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t even write. I can usually write through whatever I’m feeling, but not yesterday.

I got manic because I didn’t sleep on Friday night, which will always trigger a manic episode for me, and that’s not an overstatement. Of course other things will trigger mania for me, but lack of sleep will do it no matter what. The music festival was a lot of fun, but I got so worked up, I couldn’t sleep. Which meant mania the next morning. It didn’t help that I hadn’t picked up my meds the day before, so the abilify, which usually keeps the mania in check, wasn’t in my system. So I took the other medication I’m supposed to take when I feel manic, and it stopped the mania from getting worse, but it left me with an insanely uncomfortable feeling. The type of feeling where, you’re on edge, and nothing can help you come down from it. I find it to be one of the worst feelings. Towards the end of the night I told my boyfriend that, I didn’t want to feel anymore. Which is when he told me I needed to rest, like take away all the visual stimulation, put on a book, close my eyes, and just rest. Which I did, and it kind of helped, well enough to get me through the rest of the night.

This morning was a little better, but it was hot in the living room. When I wake up first, which is pretty much always, I go in the living room to do whatever until he wakes up. The air conditioning is in the bed room though, so all I had were fans. Needless to say, I just snoozed through the morning. Then when he woke up, I came into the bedroom and couldn’t sit still, again. I thought it was going to be a continuation of yesterday, which thankfully it’s not. But that’s the thing, I feel like I’m always living in fear of the next episode, or I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can never truly relax. When I’m not anxious, I get anxious looking for something to be anxious about. Why can’t I just bask in the moment? Or enjoy, even for a little while, feeling the lightness of my chest or the relaxation of my back. Things I never feel.

I’m a lot calmer in the summer, summer is when I thrive, emotionally anyway. Once school starts, the constant stress begins and I feel like I’m never, not anxious. The fear sets in even more then, I’m going to school, I’m so afraid I won’t do well and I’ll waste the money that was spent that semester. I’m so afraid of an episode, that I trigger an episode. It’s just a vicious cycle. I need to learn how to combat that. On the upside, I was able to work all my hours this week. I didn’t leave early or anything.

I’ve learned that a lot of things have to do with mindset. I’m usually in the opposite mindset of where I should be, because I’m always in a fearful mindset. I’m doing my best to be positive, to know my true feelings, but it’s hard. Especially when I’m not used to really feeling, feelings. Positivity is something that I have to work towards everyday, it’s something that I can’t give up on.

A Not so Manic Monday

So here I am, sitting in the waiting room or my neurologists office, chipped nails, unwashed hair, and a sweater that doesn’t match my outfit. Painting my nails and washing my hair are both things that I do on Sundays. Since I felt really bad last night, none of my usual things got done. I just wasn’t up for it. I went and sat outside for a little while yesterday, but I immediately started getting bit by bugs, so that was over real quick. Nothing made things better yesterday. I couldn’t focus, I was essentially numb, I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t want to do anything, watch anything, listen to anything. I did write though. I wrote and wrote and wrote, it helped slightly, but not much.

So, now I’m home, the neurologist went fine, he reenrolled me for the device that I use for my migraines. I went to work, my computer wasn’t working, again, I was on the phone with our IT company for who knows how long. Finally I got him to understand that this wasn’t a one time thing that happened just today, it has happened three times. So, he’s working on my computer now, well he was when I left, I just hope I don’t need a new computer. I spent most of the day listening to a book on audible, trying to keep my anxiety at bay and myself on some sort of track to get work done. I tried, but I couldn’t focus and I just was not having a good day.

Fast forward to now, I’m sitting on my couch, I just got over being extremely irritable for no reason, isolating, and just overall ruminating in how just plain my day was. Also, I had barely eaten anything all day. After work, I had to run around and do things, even though all I wanted to do was lay down and just stop for a second, but I couldn’t. By time I was done, I was so angry and anxious, angry to the point where I couldn’t even stay in the same room as my boyfriend because I didn’t want to take it out on him.

And here I am now, nails still chipped, hair still unwashed, I exchanged my work clothes for some comfy ones, and I feel a lot calmer. At some point I’ll get to the things that I need to do, but it doesn’t have to be right now. I have to learn that it’s okay to take a minute to yourself, put on some headphones and tune the world out. I need to not put so much pressure on myself or feel like others are putting pressure on me when they’re not. I have to learn to let go a little bit, I don’t have to do all the things, and the things I do, they don’t have to be as perfect as I think they have to be. I have to slow down sometimes and just breathe. So, all in all, it’s only 6:35 PM, I have some time to relax. Even though I’ve been up for 12 hours. I’m going to take some time to myself and go from there. Today may have been a bit hectic, but I wasn’t manic, and as much of a bad day I had yesterday, it didn’t trigger anything bigger. So, I’ll call that a win.