4:30 am wake up call

I woke up at 4:30 this morning, I tossed and turned all night, even with my sleeping meds. I’ll admit, things haven’t been super easy lately, mostly because of money struggles. My boyfriend was wrongfully terminated from his job, soooo it’s been a little tough. The good thing though, he’s been happier than I’ve seen him in over a year, and I’d rather have that than money. I guess that’s what love is. Struggling together, wanting to see your partner happy, when their happiness is above all else to you. That’s how I feel. I’ve never been more in love with someone, I am extremely lucky, I know that, and that’s the bottom line.

Anyway, getting up at 4:30 am, can be a bad thing, especially when I don’t sleep well while I am asleep. Being bipolar, my sleep schedule is one of the most important things that I have, that helps keep me stable. So here’s how my bedtime routine goes: 9pm; turn on the star light projector, turn down the tv brightness and volume, and I go and do my skin care and such. Then I watch some videos on YouTube, nothing too heavy. 10pm; meds, the tv brightness goes all the way down and the volume goes off and my boyfriend puts on headphones. He usually stays with me until I fall asleep. Also at 10, I put on a podcast or music, then I go to sleep.

I know, it’s simple, but it truly does keep me on track. I stick to it almost every night. I plan my nights out around my sleep schedule, if I am out, I’m home by 9:30 at the latest. That’s part of being bipolar though, sleep is so important. So today, may or may not be a good day. Usually when I don’t sleep, things go south around noon or one. I’ll get cranky and start feeling bad and anxious, and nothing will help. Not even naps. So, yeah, basically I need sleep, and lots of it. I usually get between 8 and 10 hours, usually closer to 10. The thing is though, that if I sleep for longer than 10 hours, the day is usually a wash. We’ll see how today goes. I’m hoping not too badly, I have a lot of things to do. Mostly school work, which I’m behind on, as usual.

I’m behind on school work because I had a manic episode about two weeks back. Which, unfortunately, kept me from class for a whole week. I’m not super far behind, but let’s just say, if I had a test tomorrow, I’d be done for. Hopefully this hiccup in sleep doesn’t mess me up for days, like the manic episode did.

Basically, life isn’t always easy. As long as you do the best you can though, that’s what matters. You don’t have to do great everyday. I aim for neutral or baseline everyday, because I am very rarely symptom free for more than a few hours. I do the best I can though, I’m not perfect, my life isn’t perfect, being bipolar sure isn’t perfect. I just keep it going though, all day, everyday.

Me and my favorite vet.

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Saturdays are Boring (sometimes)

To say the least, today was boring. Nothing eventful happened, I pretty much sat around all day and did nothing. I mean, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s kind of odd for me. I wasn’t feeling well again, physically, my migraine has returned, no matter how much I drink I feel dehydrated, my head feels all fuzzy and cloudy. So, today was a good day to have nothing to do.

I did get my paycheck today though, I got paid on Thursday, my mom picked up my check yesterday, and I cashed it today. I should be happy, but I’m really not. I’m in a spending mood, and when I spend, I spend a lot. That’s me being slightly manic. My bipolar mind is telling me to spend allll the money, on alllll the things. What things? I have no idea, whatever it is, just buy it. I wish I wasn’t like that. One time when I was manic, I skipped class, went to the mall, and maxed out my credit card. Did I care? Not one bit. I wanted it, so I got it, that simple.

So, back to my boring day, it should have been relaxing. Like, nothing to do? Let me chill out. I am not good at relaxing. I’m in like this constant state of anxiety, on some level. no matter what, I’m anxious. This morning I was actually relaxed though, which is surprising because I get severe anxiety in the morning. Especially when I wake up too early, which was the case this morning. I’ve been up since 6. Luckily my dad got up at 7, so I was able to sit outside with him and read for a little while. It was beautiful out, I read some philosophy and we chatted, it was one of the nicest mornings I’ve had in a few weeks. Once it hit like 9:30 though, anxiety central. It was most likely do to that it was going to be super hot today, and as I’ve learned, I do not have a tolerance for the heat. There were errands I had to run, but I was afraid to go out and do them. I ended up going to the office with my mom,¬† my migraine got worse, as well as my anxiety. I finally was able to run my errands and by time I got back, my migraine was in full force, I couldn’t function, I wanted to cry.

I’ve been having a lot of physical ailments lately, not so much bipolar symptoms. Honestly, I’ll take it. Yeah, physical pain can get so intense, but people will sympathize. People won’t always understand or know exactly what to do when I bring up my bipolar symptoms as a reason for “not feeling well”, which is why I never say that’s why I’m not going somewhere or staying somewhere. It’s not easy carrying a single burden, mental or physical symptoms, but when you carry both, sometimes it’s too much. But, I’ll do what I always do, keep going.