Day to Day

My little heart hurts. I can’t seem to figure out a happy medium for how to achieve things during the day. I’ll wake up and it’s hit or miss. Most of the morning I’m usually okay. At some point though the sadness gets me. I’m not down or depressed, I’m just sad. I’m in mourning. The only things that can heal something like this is time. That’s not an easy thing to accept, because we are used to having instant answers, but the only answer to someone close to you passing, is time.

I feel like all my inspiration and will power has left me. I have ideas, but I can’t seem to act on those ideas. I can make a list, but what’s the point if I don’t have the will power to complete it? To even get one of the tasks done. Yet, like when dealing with most things, some days are better than others. For example, a few days ago I set 3 simple goals. I completed all 3 before noon. Today though, I can barely get off the couch. This is actually the third post I’ve started today because nothing seems right. I’m not able to elaborate on any of my ideas. So, I’m back to the old school writing about my feelings.

I’m roasting today, so the kitchen where I work is over 80 degrees, which I’m sure isn’t helping anything. I don’t feel like watching anything. I don’t want to engage in social media because I’m overwhelmed by the news. I can barely handle what’s happening in my personal life, let alone create my opinions on what’s happening in the world. Being a political science major, I feel like I should have thoughts, ideas, and answers. Be able to carry out a discussion. Right now though, I just can’t.

I’m very anxious, that’s how it’s been for a few days. Just consumed by anxiety. Which just makes me want to shut down and do nothing. Just curl up in a blanket in front of my fan in my 78 degree living room. So, that’s what I do. I feel like there’s only a short period of time where I can get things done during the day, I have to find that time and do all the things that I can. I had a few posts planned for this week, but those will probably be on hold until next week. I keep hoping that the next day will be better, but there’s no way to tell if it will be. I mean, if we knew how we would feel the next day, well I don’t know what would happen.

I think something I’m learning is that I’m still learning. No one expects me to know all the answers and knowing myself I know I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have to be perfect. I’m aloud to feel my feelings how ever I need to express them.

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I lost someone very close to me this week. I’m sad and my heart hurts. I know what it’s like to lose someone, but it’s different this time. I didn’t get to say goodbye and I don’t think I’ll be able to get a proper one. There is no closure I just have to grive and mourn the best that I can. With memories and thinking of her when ever I’m doing something or I’m somewhere I know she loved to go. When I read a piece of literature or I’m in an art mesuem or I’m just trying some new food. She brought so much culture into my life. I don’t think I’d be the same person without her. 

My heart is heavy. The tears come and go. My life won’t be the same. I have to find a way to heal, the wound is still pretty fresh though. This post is short, but I’ll have a pretty long weekly wrap up post tommrow there’s lots to chat about and I think it’ll take my mind off of things. 

Tuesday Malaise Musings

I had a whole different post planned for today. I had a nugget of inspiration while I was at work earlier, but by time I got home, it was gone. At this point, my mind and body are both exhausted. I’m not down, but I’m also not at baseline or neutral. I talked to my therapist about it today, he called it malaise. Basically, just an ill feeling. That’s how I feel. I’m just in a state of sadness. Work seems to be dragging, I always hit a point around 3p, where I just hit a wall, nothing seems to make time pass faster, I’m just watching the clock.

This weekend was rough, I was recovering from heat exhaustion, so I spent the whole weekend inside, drinking lots of fluids, and just basically not moving. I know that had some impact on my mental state. I also just felt, bad. I have no inspiration right now I just want to sleep, I’m so anxious, showering and laundry are not an option. It’s like depression, but it’s not a magnitude to which I would consider myself depressed. I used to call this feeling, meh, like I didn’t have a name for it. It just kind of was.

The thing is, my heart has been hurting a lot lately. According to many people, I’m an empath. My empathy has no bounds. When something happens that I have no control over or watching things that shouldn’t be happening, I don’t like to say it makes me sad. Sadness, to me, is a feeling that I associate with bipolar, as an emotion on my spectrum. So when I’m feeling empathy for certain situations, or people, really anything that I don’t have any direct relation to, I say my heart hurts. I don’t really know how to explain it better than this. Just know, that my heart has been hurting a lot lately. I think it’s finally taking a toll on me. My heart isn’t broken, it just hurts. With everything that’s going on in the world around me, it’s hard not to sense what other people are feeling.

So, pretty much, I’m exhausted, my heart hurts, I’m sad..all adding up to malaise. I don’t have a true grasp on what it is, but I just know that it doesn’t feel good. I’m going to just take the night to relax and try and recharge. Probably eat some ice cream, of course. Maybe one day I’ll write my philosophy of ice cream.

The East End in July

I don’t spend a lot of time all the way out on the east end of Long Island (i live closer to the middle) especially in the summer. Today was one of the days though, that I decided to venture out the the lavender fields in East Marion. My, my, what an experience. It was just a perfect morning.

I packed up my boyfriend and the car, as if we were going on a road trip, and off we went. My parents were going to meet us out there. (I’m also one of those people who likes to be over prepared). Anyway, we ventured out and drove, and drove. We stopped for coffee at one of my favorite shops, which was packed, which I thought was just giving me an idea of how the day was going to go, but boy was I wrong.

We made great time out to East Marion and there was practically no one at the lavender fields. It was the perfect morning. The sun was shining it wasn’t too hot, it was just right. So we paid the fee to get in (yes, there’s a $9 fee to get into a lavender field, but trust me it’s worth it). Then we started meandering our way around the fields, there’s probably about 4-5 acres of lavender, it wasn’t fully bloomed, but it was still beautiful and if you like the smell of lavender, this is your type of place. There’s English and French lavender and it’s just a sea of beautiful flowers. And of course, purple is my favorite color sooooo, I was obsessed.

I always see people taking the cutest pictures in this field and they always look so amazing. So, of course, I made my boyfriend take a million and one pictures. And it was just the best day.

Let me just add some stuff about my mental state. This was a day that I needed. We left at 8:15 and we were back by 1:15, there was barely any anxiety, and it was just perfect. I knew what to do to minimize my anxiety, but still be able to go and do something I really wanted to do. So, I made the plans and just did it. My strength outweighed the panic today.

Another thing (I know this post is like a million years long) is that I wore shorts and a crop for the first time since I put on the medication weight. I’m not the biggest fan of my body, but I’ve been reading a lot about body positively lately. So I decided, eff it, and I wore the cute outfit. I cringed at the pictures a little bit, but the memories that were made today is why really matters, so I posted the pictures.

That’s my story for the day, it was a beautiful Sunday, in my beautiful life, and I’m the luckiest girl in the world. So, is it worth it, you ask? Going to the east end in the summer? Yes. But be sure to plan it properly, trust me.

Plan your escape

It’s a slow day at work today. I’m by myself, doing nothing, so I figured I’d write a post. It’s been awhile. Basically, I’ve been feeling good. Well more like neural, no waiting for the other shoe to drop kind of good, but just chilling good. It’s amazing. I haven’t felt like this in forever.

Anyway, I switched from adderall to vyvanse, so far so good. By that I mean I just switched yesterday morning and nothing bad has happened yet. Sooo yeah, I’m pretty happy about it.

I’m working today, I’m very proud of myself, I’ve only taken one day off in the last four weeks and I didn’t leave early any days. Like, who am I? The queen of “not feeling well” to the point where I would keep myself from doing things, even working. I’m in a much better head space from a year ago. Why, I don’t know. I keep writing in my journal, that something isn’t clicking, but that’s the thing, I think things are clicking. Finally. So no symptoms are the best symptoms, right?

I guess to answer my own question, it’s a thin line. Sometimes you’ll get too comfortable with no symptoms and neglect yourself, sometimes you’ll focus on it too much and you won’t let yourself feel, what I would call, neutral. So I guess I’ve found the balance. I’m taking care of myself, the best I can, but, also doing the best I can, I’m aware. Aware of triggers, situations, my own anxiety. Mostly triggers. I’m thinking about it now. Like, if this situation is going to make me anxious, than I’ll handle it this way. Instead of blindly going in and hoping it’ll work out, that’s not how my brain works. I need to be prepared, always have an escape plan. Even if it’s just me telling someone that I “don’t feel well”, that’s my default. No matter what I do or where I go, I think I’ll always be the queen of “I don’t feel well”. It’s my roots. I used to have trouble describing what I felt, so I would just say that I didn’t feel well, because that’s all I knew. I knew I didn’t feel well, I couldn’t explain why or anything past that, that was my baseline. For a long time. How and why that changed was a force of nature and it just so happened that, that force was me. I thought it was meds or biology, but it was me.

I am the force of nature behind this change.

We are one

Don’t you understand that?

You hurt, I hurt. Your anxiety, is my anxiety. My heartbeats for you and yours for me. You don’t have to say it, I know. I know your looks and your actions. When you’re sad and you’re mad. I know you. We are one. My heart is yours. Your are that missing piece of my soul. What I’ve been searching for. You can tell how I’m feeling just by how I breathe. You can see right through to my truth. You are what I need. We are one. I would do anything with you. You want to take a leap of faith, I’ll do it in a heartbeat. You want to run, let’s go. You want to fight the good fight? I will put on my armor and stand next to you on the battle field. You are my world, sun, stars. You are everything. And we are one.