It’s Been Awhile/Tough Love

Hiiiiii. I know, it’s been a minute I posted, but lots of things have happened. I don’t even know where to start. I’ll just start with the more recent events and as things come to me, I’ll write them down. So, until about two weeks ago I was severely depressed. The days were just running together. I was having dark thoughts, I wasn’t eating, I was weepy and apathetic. The usual. Also, I was isolating (as much as I could) in isolation. I would sit on the couch away from my boyfriend, and just stare at the TV, nothing made me happy. Then flashback to two weeks ago, my boyfriend brought me back to reality, he said what I needed to hear. They may not have been things I wanted to hear, and I cried, but it snapped me right out of the depression. He basically said that my perspective was too focused on myself, I know, I know, it sounds like it could be mean or unnecessary. He said it with love though, it was tough love for sure, but it was loving. I’m so lucky to have him, and that’s even an understatement.

I’ve lost count of the days we’ve been in isolation, they’re all running together. Like this morning, I was texting my best friend and I honestly thought today was Wednesday. When I was depressed, I lost all inspiration. I should have been posting on social media for the business, but I just couldn’t, I wasn’t able to choose what I wanted to post or how to word it, so I figured there was no point. Because of the virus things had slowed down for business. Which was irritating because we had just started to gain momentum, followers, people buying the coffee, events, but that all stopped. So, what are you supposed to do when that happens? We tried to do what we could to keep busy, but when there comes a point where you can’t create things to do anymore, there’s nothing you can really do. Positive thinking was not on my mind when quarantine started, I was scared of the uncertainty of the world around me. I spiraled.

The last two weeks have been much better, I changed my thinking. For example, when I say that I feel bad, I just think to myself that “you feel bad right now, and that’s okay because this won’t last forever.” So basically, if you get knocked down, or feel bad or anything negative, you can sit with that and feel that, but you can’t live there. I’m not trying to say, if you feel bad you can just pull yourself out of it. We’re all different, what mindset works for me, may not work for you. I may be able to say those things to myself and accept my feelings, but maybe you can’t. That’s okay, find something though, find something to believe in.

Speaking of things to believe in, I’ve been trying to become my spiritual, and find my path to something more concrete to believe in. I don’t mean concrete in the sense that I want a strict religion to follow, I just want some loose guidelines. The path I have chosen to explore is paganism and wicca. I’m still learning and reading, watching videos, and just finding out what they believe and how they embody their beliefs. I’ve found that you can practice in your own specific way, in private or openly, there is the Wiccan Rede, which is something that attracted me to it, it aligned with my beliefs. It’s like I was looking for something, and I believe I found it for a reason. I won’t go into it too much though. I’m still exploring.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading. I actually decided to read a book about the basics of physics, and I found it very interesting. I’m also in the middle of a book about the actual existence of Atlantis, which is something I’ve always wanted to read up on. Also, I’ve actually chosen to read a philosophy book. I took a lot of philosophy courses in the past semesters, and I was forced to read philosophy, but I’ve somehow found an interest in it, where I actually want to read it. It’s different when you have the ability to choose to read about a subject, then when you are given the material to read, when you’re told, you must read this to pass this class. I actually took the semester off to work on the business, and then COVID-19 hit. Which now that I’m writing, this time off has given me the opportunity to study and explore and just find passions.

Well, I think that’s it for now. If you read this whole rambling thing, I thank you. I promise I will try and write more. Let me leave you with this: Go out and explore everything. By go out, I mean read books or watch videos about things that you’re kind of interested in, you never know what type of passions you’ll find.

Sunday Rambles

Yesterday, I went on the hunt for a fall candle. A candle that would, to me anyway, embody what I feel fall would smell like. The thing is, candles are expensive. Especially name brand candles. I ended up at TJ Maxx, and there I found the perfect fall candle. It’s purple and called wizards magic. Now, I LOVE Harry Potter, when I say love, I mean obsessed, also, purple is my favorite color, so it was meant to be. It was also only $7, which is a steal. Because the other candles that I got, are mini’s of Yankee Candle’s Autumn scent, because they were $2 each, meanwhile, the next size up was $16. So, I said nope to that. And I ended up with the wizards magic candle.

Now, you’re probably wondering why I just went on a rant about candles. I’ve been LOVING candles lately. They seem to calm me. Which made me realize that sometimes it’s the small things that make us happy. For example, me yesterday, finding the perfect candle at a reasonable price. Yet, that happiness didn’t last, yesterday ended up being a super weird day. I’m not sure how to explain it, it’s like, everything seems odd, or everything is off. I tried explaining it to my parents and they looked at me like I was crazy. So, I’m hoping someone here will understand.

So, even while the little things make me happy, I find that just like all my good moods, it’s fleeting. I never stay feeling “good” for long. I’m usually anxiety ridden, panic stricken, and just down. Which has made me realize that I have the bask in the small moments of extreme happiness, especially when a little, random thing makes me smile. I haven’t been having as many mood swings, but I am cycling between being neutral and being down. I’ve been having breakthrough symptoms of depression, like physically, but I don’t feel depressed. So, I’ve been struggling with that.

I just want to be happy, I know, it seems like a simple thing, but  it’s something that some people won’t entirely understand. Instead of me saying I don’t feel well anymore, I’ve been saying that I’m having “mood disorder complications”, which is true. When I don’t feel well, it usually has to do with my mood, and sometimes it’s organic, and there is literally nothing I can do about it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, bask in the small things. Smell ALL the candles, and just take some time for yourself, even if it’s just a few minutes and you just take a few deep breaths, you have to do what’s best for you. For me, it’s going and just smelling candles or roaming around barnes and noble, or scrolling through the sephora or ulta app. Also, update, I already put instgram back on my phone. So, my social media detox will have to wait.

Find something small that makes you happy, and just go with it. Which I guess, is self care. I’m going to admit that I’m not the best at self care, I love the idea of it, I try to practice it, but I just can’t seem to stick to anything. So, for now, I’ll stick to smelling candles.

Let the creativity flow a little bit, girl

I haven’t been feeling very creative lately. So I haven’t posted anything in a very long time. I don’t know, a lot has been weighing on my mind, and I haven’t been feeling the best emotionally and physically. I feel like I haven’t been connected to myself. I stopped writing all together and I haven’t been reading as much. So pretty much, all my inspiration has dried up. Until today. Today, I feel better. I feel like I’m in a good place right now. (Knock on wood).

I haven’t been as anxious lately, the source of most of my anxiety has been stemming from the fact that I have nothing to be anxious about. Like, I’m constantly looking for things to be anxious about. If that makes any sense. I have to learn to get over that, some way some how. I need to start living in the moment, not like being spontaneous, but just being. I decided to start weening myself off social media, because that’s a major part of my stress. I’m still in the stage of my life where I care what other people think of me. As if I need to curate all of these pictures to look like I have everything together. I feel like, once I learn to let that go, I’ll be able to find more peace within myself.

So today, I’m currently sitting in my best friends bed with her, helping her rebrand her business. We were brainstorming some ideas, and I said, we’re creative in different ways, which is 100% true, she paints and draws and makes jewelry. I’m more of a writer and an idea person. I can’t draw particularly well, but I love to write. Which shows how little inspiration and drive I’ve been having, since I haven’t even wanted to write, not pick up a pen, let alone blog. I want to get back into it though. I’ve missed this. Just sitting here and typing how I feel. I find it relaxing and just overall good for me.

At the end of August, I went to Salem, MA with my boyfriend. I thought being there would spark some type of inspiration, but it didn’t. I absolutely love Salem, but it didn’t spark enough inspiration in me to write. But I’m back now. I’m going to try and write more. Get back into it.

School started though, so I truly have to focus on that, but I want to write a little bit at least. I want to respark what I had inside of me over the summer. I helps having a very creative friend, and sitting here with her, is making the creativity flow a little easier.

I just want to take this chance to say how beyond thankful I am for my friends and family, my support system. I know my bipolar can have an impact on them, and they always stick by me. Especially through all the episodes, irrational thoughts, and anxiety.

I’m trying not to let the anxiety get to me or get me down. I know I just have to push myself a little bit more, but I also have to know my limits. Knowing when I’m doing too much and making myself overwhelmed, or just being in my head too much. I have to be more self aware and just be. In the moment, in a good mindset, just in a good place. And be able to accept that I’m not going to be anxious all the time, and I have to stop looking for things to be anxious about. I can’t let the disorder control me, because I control it.

Sundays are for New Things

I got my new Amazon Kindle Fire 8 in the mail yesterday! It made a bit of a bad day better. It gave me a distraction from an issue that had upset me greatly. Anyway so far it’s great. I had a 6 year old Ipad mini, and it stopped letting me update apps, so I decided it was time to move on to something a little more up to date. The fire 8 was only $80, which really isn’t bad for what you get. I also did monthly payments of $16, the only issue I ran into was that, there are ads, and the only way to get rid of those ads is to pay an extra $15, which I think is ridiculous. I mean for $80, I’ll take it.

I was going back and fourth with weather or not I wanted to actually get it. I’m a very frugal person, and spending money is not my favorite thing to do. I mean, yeah, I like having new things, but I always have buyers remorse. No matter what. To the point where I won’t buy things I need or I’ll just put it off until after I actually needed to buy it. For example, I wear contacts, and I felt bad asking for someone to buy them for me because I felt they were too expensive. So, I wore the free pair that I got from the eye doctor to death. My boyfriend made me wear my glasses and throw out the contacts until we could afford to buy the six month supply. I hate wearing my glasses, so it was not an enjoyable 3 weeks.

Anyway, after going back and fourth for a few days, I finally decided to just buy the new tablet, and I’m glad I did. I get all my apps, including wordpress, I get kindle, and audible. All things amazon. Also, my boyfriend added me to his prime so I get all the perks of that. Which also means I get to listen to all the audible books he has, and he has a lot. Right now I’m listening to Star Trek: Discovery. I also got a few new books, for free, the on I’m reading now it called Salt & Stone. Which is about mermaids and I have a fascination with mermaids.

Needless to say, I’m very happy with my purchase, well so far, so good. I’ve only had it for a day and I feel like it’s already paid for itself. I was super anxious earlier, so I put on my favorite music and read my book, and it was all in one place. I didn’t have to worry about having a million and one things surrounding me and getting caught up in cords and such, it was really nice and convenient. If it can help me beat anxiety like this on a regular basis, I’ll be very happy. So, I’ll see how it goes from here!

Saturdays are for Showers

I hope you have a drink and a snack, this is going to be a bit of a long one. Sorry!

Today is Saturday, yas! It is currently 1:00 PM, nothing exciting is happening, yet. I woke up a little later than usual, made coffee and just hung around the apartment. I have no real plan of action today, I just want to get some blogging stuff done, because I still consider myself a new blogger. I’m doing research, reading as much as possible, and trying to find my way. I’m trying to not force it, just keep it light and easy. I am not really a light and breezy type of person when it comes to projects, I’m more of the type of person who needs to have everything perfect and very specific. This is a blog though, I want it to grow as I grow. I want to see it evolve with me.

The main reason I wanted to write today is to say that I’m having less and less symptoms everyday. The only thing that’s really lingering is anxiety. I’m trying to cut down on the amount of anti-anxiety medication I’m taking, I can’t seem to get away from it though. I try taking CBD instead, and sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. I try deep breathing, which also helps, sometimes. Now, everyone’s favorite suggestion to give me, including my therapist, is to take a shower. The thing is, I have shower anxiety. As in, I can’t be in the shower for too long or I start panicking, and as soon as I get out of the shower I have to take my anti-anxiety medication. For most people the steam feels good and helps them relax, but I feel like it’s suffocating me. As if I truly cannot breathe. It scares me. Therefore, I only shower once maybe twice a week, I know it seems like that’s too few showers, but the anxiety is too much. So, when I’m having an episode, I rarely take a shower and I wash my hair even less. I know the episode is particularly bad when I have to go to a salon and pay to have someone wash my hair. I haven’t had to do that in a while, and I don’t mind washing it as much since I cut off about 9 inches, but when I take a shower and I have to do a full shower routine, including shaving and washing my hair, my anxiety peaks.

The reason I have so much anxiety about taking a shower, is because when I was first diagnosed I would take a 45 minute shower. Curl up in a ball, and just bawl my eyes out, with the blazing hot water washing over me. I did this for years, especially when I was depressed or having a difficult day, and now my showers take maybe, 15 minutes, at the most. I’ve got my shower routine down, the thing that cut down on my shower time is that I don’t condition my hair in the shower. I buy a leave in conditioner that doesn’t need to be rinsed out, making it a lot easier on me.

I took a shower this morning, I didn’t wash my hair though because it is way too hot to leave my hair to dry. I’ll wash it in the morning when it’s cooler. I think this might be my new go to shower routine, shower one day, shave and such, then the next day I’ll wash my hair. I’ll have to see how that works out, because after this mornings shower, I actually felt okay, no anxiety or panic. So that’s my big accomplishment for the day, it may seem small, but anything I can do to combat my anxiety is a win.

Also, I ordered an Amazon Kindle Fire 8, it should be here any time now, but more on that tomorrow!

Easy Breezy Lemon Squeezee

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Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort”. –Franklin D. Roosevelt 

Today is the 4th of July, in case you hadn’t noticed by all the instagram posts and tweets about beer and the beach.

I’m trying to keep the day easy breezy, no plans, no obligations, just hang out in the air conditioning and focus on some blogging. The issue is, that my Ipad won’t update certain applications anymore and it won’t download others, which means I needed a new way of streaming things and other random things I do on my tablet. Which brings me to the money. Now, I’m pretty good at saving, but I also fall into the trap where I think I need things I don’t actually need or spend money on things I could easily do myself. I also get paid biweekly for an internship, which pays $15 an hour, for that I am very lucky. I’m also lucky because my resume looks pretty darn good, not to sound full of myself. I work hard at what I do, and I’ve decided my new venture is blogging.

I’ve always loved to write, mostly writing in my journal, some poems here and there and maybe a short story or two. I’ve also always wanted to share my story, of a very boring life. Until the bipolar roller coaster started. Now, I don’t plan on making money blogging, it’s more of a hobby, a way to get my creative energy out, kind of do what I’ve always wanted to, and share my story. I’m not that experienced though, so I’m trying to learn. I don’t exactly have a niche, like all the sites tell you to have, I just write. I want to find a niche though, lifestyle, beauty, mental health, I want to dabble in it all. Which requires money. I need a web hosting site-money, I need to buy enough things to share what I think of them-money, and I need to pay my bills-also, money. Now my man makes enough money to support us, but relying on someone else always leaves a bad taste in my mouth, I feel guilty very easily, and I try not to spend his money. But, you need to spend money to make money? Maybe.

I’ll have to get creative and work with what I have, which really, when i look at all the things I own, is a bunch of random nonsense. I can work with random nonsense though. Someway somehow. I need to make goals, in order to achieve something, and to do that, I have to get creative. Try new things. The issue is, I’m bad at holding myself accountable for things. Like today, I try to keep things easy breezy, but, that’s not always how life works. I have goals, I want to go to law school, I want to get a good job, I want a house, and to get married. That all starts with holding myself accountable. Not living an easy breezy type of life, well living that way everyday, some days you need it, some days, easy breezy will get you no where.

But for today, its easy breezy. 

Enjoy your 4th!

The East End in July

I don’t spend a lot of time all the way out on the east end of Long Island (i live closer to the middle) especially in the summer. Today was one of the days though, that I decided to venture out the the lavender fields in East Marion. My, my, what an experience. It was just a perfect morning.

I packed up my boyfriend and the car, as if we were going on a road trip, and off we went. My parents were going to meet us out there. (I’m also one of those people who likes to be over prepared). Anyway, we ventured out and drove, and drove. We stopped for coffee at one of my favorite shops, which was packed, which I thought was just giving me an idea of how the day was going to go, but boy was I wrong.

We made great time out to East Marion and there was practically no one at the lavender fields. It was the perfect morning. The sun was shining it wasn’t too hot, it was just right. So we paid the fee to get in (yes, there’s a $9 fee to get into a lavender field, but trust me it’s worth it). Then we started meandering our way around the fields, there’s probably about 4-5 acres of lavender, it wasn’t fully bloomed, but it was still beautiful and if you like the smell of lavender, this is your type of place. There’s English and French lavender and it’s just a sea of beautiful flowers. And of course, purple is my favorite color sooooo, I was obsessed.

I always see people taking the cutest pictures in this field and they always look so amazing. So, of course, I made my boyfriend take a million and one pictures. And it was just the best day.

Let me just add some stuff about my mental state. This was a day that I needed. We left at 8:15 and we were back by 1:15, there was barely any anxiety, and it was just perfect. I knew what to do to minimize my anxiety, but still be able to go and do something I really wanted to do. So, I made the plans and just did it. My strength outweighed the panic today.

Another thing (I know this post is like a million years long) is that I wore shorts and a crop for the first time since I put on the medication weight. I’m not the biggest fan of my body, but I’ve been reading a lot about body positively lately. So I decided, eff it, and I wore the cute outfit. I cringed at the pictures a little bit, but the memories that were made today is why really matters, so I posted the pictures.

That’s my story for the day, it was a beautiful Sunday, in my beautiful life, and I’m the luckiest girl in the world. So, is it worth it, you ask? Going to the east end in the summer? Yes. But be sure to plan it properly, trust me.

Plan your escape

It’s a slow day at work today. I’m by myself, doing nothing, so I figured I’d write a post. It’s been awhile. Basically, I’ve been feeling good. Well more like neural, no waiting for the other shoe to drop kind of good, but just chilling good. It’s amazing. I haven’t felt like this in forever.

Anyway, I switched from adderall to vyvanse, so far so good. By that I mean I just switched yesterday morning and nothing bad has happened yet. Sooo yeah, I’m pretty happy about it.

I’m working today, I’m very proud of myself, I’ve only taken one day off in the last four weeks and I didn’t leave early any days. Like, who am I? The queen of “not feeling well” to the point where I would keep myself from doing things, even working. I’m in a much better head space from a year ago. Why, I don’t know. I keep writing in my journal, that something isn’t clicking, but that’s the thing, I think things are clicking. Finally. So no symptoms are the best symptoms, right?

I guess to answer my own question, it’s a thin line. Sometimes you’ll get too comfortable with no symptoms and neglect yourself, sometimes you’ll focus on it too much and you won’t let yourself feel, what I would call, neutral. So I guess I’ve found the balance. I’m taking care of myself, the best I can, but, also doing the best I can, I’m aware. Aware of triggers, situations, my own anxiety. Mostly triggers. I’m thinking about it now. Like, if this situation is going to make me anxious, than I’ll handle it this way. Instead of blindly going in and hoping it’ll work out, that’s not how my brain works. I need to be prepared, always have an escape plan. Even if it’s just me telling someone that I “don’t feel well”, that’s my default. No matter what I do or where I go, I think I’ll always be the queen of “I don’t feel well”. It’s my roots. I used to have trouble describing what I felt, so I would just say that I didn’t feel well, because that’s all I knew. I knew I didn’t feel well, I couldn’t explain why or anything past that, that was my baseline. For a long time. How and why that changed was a force of nature and it just so happened that, that force was me. I thought it was meds or biology, but it was me.

I am the force of nature behind this change.

Sunday’s make me smile

I woke up at 5am today. Why? I’m not sure, this usually happens on Sunday’s though. I’ll wake up early, even before the sun, and I’ll watch YouTube videos, I should do something else. Something for my self care, I don’t know, mediate or something, that would probably be the smart thing to do, but that’s not me. I think I wake up this early because I feel less anxious. Usually, I wake up between 7 and 8, and I’ll experience extreme anxiety. When I wake up at 5 though, I don’t. It’s pretty weird, but that’s why I don’t mind, doing weird things, that is me.

So what’s on my schedule for today? Well there’s things I should do and then there’s the things that I will do. I like to make a to-do list every morning, made up of a mixture of both. So, Sunday’s its usually, shower, skincare, hair, and then relax. Then maybe I’ll write or do schoolwork. I’ll spend the day talking to the boyfriend and constantly texting my best friend. By constantly, I mean constantly. There’s a never ending flow of messages about the most meaningful to the most random things. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a friend like that, but it truly is a blessing.

Other Sunday things include, making weekly lists for my vision board, watching Buffy, lots of beauty YouTube, and music. Oh, yeah, baseball is back too, so Sunday’s are for day games and watching the Mets. Things that make my heart smile. Sunday’s are for that. I don’t particularly like Saturdays, like I said, I’m weird, but like a good weird. Sunday’s are my day though. Sunday’s are easy, breezy, for me anyway. Maybe today we’ll drive out to that little coffee shop I love or go to brunch or maybe just lay around the apartment. Who knows what Sunday’s hold, not me, that’s for sure.