Let Me Talk About My Feelings

I started this post last night when I was feeling pretty bad. I didn’t understand why I was feeling bad, but I was. I still don’t know what I feel right now. Yesterday was a weird day. If you saw my Routine Ruiner post, then you would know that I was having stomach pain, which caused me to wake up at 5 am, which unfortunately set the tone for my day. I just created a morning routine, and I was pretty keen on sticking to it. This was the first time I felt that bad and I didn’t know what to do. I don’t have the mindset yet to where I can say to myself, it’s okay that you are having pain, it’s temporary, you’ll get back on your routine tomorrow. Which to my own surprise I did. I slept a little bit later, but I still did it. Honestly, I’m very proud of myself.

I haven’t been feeling as down recently which is very good for me. Being Bipolar regulating my moods is a full time job. It goes like this, I feel bad, what do I have in my tool kit to try and make me feel less bad. When nothing in my tool kit works, I have to wing it, which usually leads to me giving in and laying on the couch and just falling deeper and deeper into that feeling. Then maybe a little while I may swing up, then I have to think to myself, okay, is this turning into mania? Then I have to put my tools in place that I use to prevent mania. I can become so focused on these things that I forget that I don’t have to hone in on these specific tools are not the only things that I can do. I do need to focus though on that one feeling, if I feel bad, focus on that, I need to not focus on whether or not I’m going to swing into mania. I need to tell myself, that this moon is temporary, which it is. Yet, when you’re stuck in it you feel like this is the worst and it’s never going to end.

Sometimes it’s kind of like, maybe it would be better if I didn’t feel anything. That’s not something you want though, trust me. I want for years not knowing what I felt, I couldn’t explain them, I couldn’t put them in boxes, as in someone would ask me what I felt, and all I could do was shrug my shoulders and cry or panic. I couldn’t decipher between mania and depression, which were essentially my only two mood states.

Now those days were extremely terrible. I don’t even know how I got through it. Anyway, flash forward to today, I feel too many feeling, I mean maybe it’s the normal amount of feelings for someone else. For me though, it’s a lot to figure out. For example, there are what I like to call, mini feelings. Those are the feelings that are not your basic, bad, sad, happy, the usual. I’m learning to navigate feelings like, melancholy. If you had told me that this was a feeling that existed a few years ago, I would have panicked. Now, it’s what I use a lot of the time to describe what I feel. So, that’s just a little bit about my feelings and how far I’ve come.

(written on 5/15/20)

Advertisement

Fridays Are For Catching Up

Sorry I haven’t posted in two days. I’ve been trying to get better about posting everyday. But, Wednesday was just a rough day, I had no inspiration or motivation. Just thinking about writing a post seemed like it would have been too much. So, I gave myself a break. Then yesterday, I went to see JOHN MAYER. I found out like 4 hours before we had to leave that I was going.

Going to the concert last night was a big deal for me. It was at Madison Square Garden, it was sold out, and I stayed out past my bed time. I didn’t crawl into bed until like 1:30 in the morning. The amazing this, is I only got super anxious once. I mean, it was on the verge of a panic attack anxiety, but it was after the show. It helped show me that I’m stronger than my disorder, well, I’m stronger than my symptoms. I didn’t cry, I didn’t have to leave early. I had an amazing time. I never really believed in mind over matter, but I think I need to start having more faith in myself and my ability to cope. Because I made a choice yesterday, was I going to let my disorder stop me from doing something I really wanted to do? Well, something I probably won’t ever get the chance to do again. I took the chance and I’m glad I did. I know there are going to be some consequences from staying up past my bedtime, like I know my body might betray me, get anxious and uncomfortable. I 100000% believe it was worth it though.

I’m not really a person to take risks, I get so panic stricken that I’m going that have an episode if I take a risk and do something I shouldn’t. It was John Mayer though, it was free, it was amazing. I have no regrets and that’s how I want to live my life. I don’t want to live in fear, I also can’t do what I did last night on a regular basis. I have to learn how to strike a balance, with fun and carefree, while also being responsible. Like, I left work early yesterday because I needed time to collect myself and get ready. I had to take today off so I could rest and try and get back to myself. I guess that means that I just need to have a cushion whenever I’m going to do something like that.

I also don’t really like surprises, I like to know what to expect and when to expect it. So, yesterday was very out of character for me. I am glad I did it though. It was a good experience for me, to take a risk and do something spontaneous.