This is a question I ask myself every single time I cry. I was just stretching to workout and I just started crying. Bawling. I have no idea why. I know, sometimes you just need to cry, but usually, you know when it’s coming. I just started crying and the first thing I asked myself is what do I need? My answer, I don’t know. I don’t know what I need when I don’t know why I’m crying. I don’t know why I feel overwhelmed, I just don’t know.
Crying is tough on your body, you finish crying and you’re exhausted. I mean, it could be my bipolar, when I’m in the neutral space I just don’t know what to do. I just feel so lost, so I just cry sometimes. Then I wonder, is this a sign of an episode? I just feel so lost right now and I’m not sure what to do. How do I turn my episodes into something productive? I don’t have the answer for myself for that one. I feel like this is a manic episode, I just feel it in my bones. I can’t sit still, my mind is going a million miles a minute. I feel a sense of panic, I get overwhelmed by emotion and I cried. I think. I feel like I can’t breathe and I just have to go and go and go. I can’t though, I don’t know how to channel this manic energy. So, I cry, and this probably isn’t the first time it’ll happen today. I can’t even focus on this post. I wish I could just curl up back into bed, but there’s no way I could do that. Sitting still is not something that’s not on the agenda today. My mind is all fuzzy, I’m not sure if that happens to anyone else when they feel manic.
Okay, it’s after that initial morning cry that set my whole day in motion. I was convinced that bawling my eyes out in the middle of my living room floor would set the tone for my day. Somehow, it didn’t. Well, at least I don’t think so. I feel pretty okay right now, but I feel like today is going to be a day of mood swings. I’m going to assume mostly up feelings. I still don’t know what set me off this morning. It made me very nervous because I didn’t know if it was a sign of something bigger to come, but so far so good. I mean I am feeling pretty anxious right now, mostly about how the start of my day will affect the rest of the day. I want to try and give myself time to rest, but I also want to try and get stuff done because yesterday was a wash.
Also, all of this has caused me to get a stress pimple. Which means I am very stressed out. I keep trying deep breathing and all of those things. At the end of the day though, a lot of my emotional issues stem from being Bipolar. I don’t want to let being bipolar define me or let it dictate my day, but some days it just does. Somedays, my bipolar rules the day, and as much as I want to fight it, I can’t and I will cry. So, a lot of times I’m crying because I’m fighting an invisible enemy and somedays I’m tired of fighting it.
A Delicate Odyssey 