Comparison Muses

I’ve been having some issues with comparing myself with other people lately. When you see people achieving things that you thought you would have achieved at this point, it can hurt. I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but I feel like it’s a natural thing. The thing about comparison though, is that it’s a killer. Of self-esteem, sense of accomplishment, and your achievements. You start to think that your achievements suddenly aren’t good enough just because someone else did something more impressive. You start to feel good about yourself and what you’ve accomplished thus far, and then that’s not good enough. You feel like you should be doing better.

A few years ago it was seeing people get there bachelor’s degree or people getting engaged. Now it’s people getting their masters or doctorates and them getting married. Then you look at your life and feel so small and unimpressive. It hurts. I know it hurts to see other get what you want or what you thought you would have by now. (I’m crying as I write this). You start to wonder what decision you made to be where you are now, and why you’re not as far along as them.

I know I’m just as smart and I put in the work I need to do, plus some. At this point I thought my life would be much different. I would not change anything about my life. The choices I made, the experiences I had, and even my genetic code dictated my life. I made the choices I needed to make, hard ones, and easy ones. I still compare myself to other people though. It’s something I’m working on. I know I can’t measure my self-worth by what other people are doing or accomplishing. I can’t help it though. I can’t look at my like count on a picture on Instagram and be okay when someone is getting as many likes on a picture that’s the same as the number of followers I have. I mean, I have a pretty curated selection of followers chilling at a cool 199. Thats on my personal account. I have an account for this blog (@russoamy3) which I need to do more work on. I feel a lot better when I look at my feed there because I don’t follow anyone I know. Most people don’t even know I have a blog.

Anyway, I’m getting off track. Comparsion makes me sad. It’s that simple. I know other people probably look at my life and compare themselves, I’m sad for them too. I’m sad for all the people who have ever compared themselves to someone else based off social media. I wish it as easy as to say, just stop, but it’s not. I will say though, you are lucky to have the life that you have. You are a hard worker and will reach your goals. Just because you’re not on someone elses timeline doesn’t mean that you’re behind them. Give it time. Yes, certain times of the year you’ll feel not so great, like graduation time or wedding season. You are okay though. You are working on your own timeline and you’re doing the best that you can. I believe in you.

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Any road will take you there

I’ve had a song lyric by my favorite band (Dawes) stuck in my head the past few days. “If you don’t know where you are going, then any road will take you there.”

It’s crazy how much this rings true in my life right now. Between being in a depressive episode, trying to fight my way through school, and now my new fashion journey. I have stable things in my life of course, my boyfriend, my parents, friends, doctors. Yet, I’m still on my own journey. I’ve realized recently, that I haven’t found a point in life, I don’t mean in the depressive way, as in, life is pointless, but more in a philosophical way. I’m not going to get into that here though.

What made me think about this is a run in I had we my neighbor the other day, he has a daughter my age and we were close friends growing up. And he assumed I was working, that I had finished my BA, and that I was in graduate school. The thing is, none of those things are true. And as I told him, he had this look, as if, my journey didn’t fit into his idea of how things should be, how his daughters journey was. And that’s not fair. It made me feel like lesser of a person.

Recently I’ve been trying to retrain my thoughts, so I had to sit with that experience for a little while and think. I had to remind myself that my journey is my own. I am not the same as other people. And most importantly, that that’s okay. I have to learn to be at peace with the things in my life, with my personal journey.

I’ve come to learn that it’s not my journey verses someone else’s journey or your journey verses anyone else’s journey. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with, especially if you’re on social media all the time. It’s hard not to compare yourself to other people and how far they have come in the same amount of time. It’s not fair to you or your mental state. And I know for me, my mental state is of the highest priority. Even though I still compare myself to others, it’s only natural, I’ve come to learn to respect my journey. And that I’ll find a road to take me where I’m meant to be.