Catching Up

I feel like it’s been quite sometime since I posted here. Well, I suppose it really has been. I needed a bit of a break after the death of my grandmother. I’m back now, well I’m going to try and be.

Honestly, nothing much has happened in the past month or so. I’ve been stuck in the house. I just wanted to write a little bit about how COVID has affected my mental health. I am easily triggered, and will quickly have a mood swing after the initial trigger. So, being stuck in the apartment you would think that I would be able to avoid triggers, that is not the case though. I am easily triggered by videos and sometimes pictures. Also, by the emotions of the people around me. Since my boyfriend and I are spending every single second of every single day together, it’s almost impossible to not feed off of each others emotions. So, I’ll get triggered by something, then he’ll feel my stress and it’ll possibly trigger him. It’s a very delicate system.

Also, the business has not been doing the best. Due to COVID, people just aren’t buying our products. We try so hard. The lack of orders and work to do leaves me very anxious and bored and then I panic because I feel like I should be doing work, when there’s no work to be done. It’s all very frustrating. I have a very strong work ethic so when I don’t have something to focus my energy on, I get severe, debilitating anxiety. I tell my doctors and they try to help me and give me advice, but the bottom line is that we can’t adjust my meds. So, it’s basically me against myself. In my head. All day everyday. I’ve been manic a few times, down, but not truly depressed, but mostly the anxiety. Except yesterday I felt extremely unstable. I don’t know what happened, but something tipped the scales. I feel like I need to channel my energy. I’ve been writing a lot of fiction, but I’ve kind of run out of inspiration.

I know they say that you have to write even when you don’t feel like it or if you don’t feel inspired. I just can’t seem to push myself though. Everything just feels off. Probably because no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’ve found that; no matter how much you try, it’s almost impossible to move forward when the world is standing still. Because we are still in the middle of a pandemic and things don’t seem to be getting better. I feel like there is no hope. Like I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even as I write this I feel a sense of panic. Everything is a struggle. It also doesn’t help that it’s like a sauna in my apartment.

I honestly am doing the best that I can. I just keep forgetting to remind myself of that. Sometimes, doing the best that you can is enough. Even if all that you do is get out of bed. I had a pretty strict morning routine, but somewhere along the way it fell to the wayside. I wish that hadn’t happened, but it did. I know not to beat myself up about it, but it’s difficult.

So, COVID has not given me any more drive, it hasn’t really done anything productive for me. I’m hoping I can start feeling better today and get back into blogging. I’ve really missed this.

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Sunday Rambles Pt 4

It’s 7:42 in the morning and I’ve already worked out. Now I’m trying to decide if I want coffee or not. I mean of course I want coffee, but the question is, do I feel like making it myself? I need to go to CVS in a little while to get cat food and I could get coffee there. I don’t know. I’ll probably make it myself. I’m kind of sleepy I’m trying to stay awake though, which means i should probably make coffee. I’m just lazy. I’m also hungry, but I don’t feel like going downstairs to make what I want. I just realized that I can’t go to CVS until my boyfriend wakes up in case he needs anything. He is not a morning person, especially if he’s woken up and doesn’t wake up naturally. So, I guess I’m making myself coffee.

I feel like I’m exhausted, i’m not really sure why. I’ve been sleeping fine and waking up pretty consistently, maybe my body and mind are just tired and I have to accept that. I was so bored last night. Nothing was interesting, nothing was sparking anything inside of me. I hate being bored, but I’m also pretty lazy. I’ve been cleaning more though which helps make me feel better because the apartment isn’t a mess and stressing me out. Except my desk is a hot spot for junk. It’s got piles of books and journals and tons of pens. It’s like every time I clean it the next day it’s a mess because I’ll go looking for a book or I’ll actually be doing work and everything that I’m using will spread outwards. Then I’ll forget to put things back where they go. I have a post on how I attempt to keep things organized going up eventually.

Last Sunday I went to some protests with my mom, this week I have no idea what I’m doing. Maybe I’ll see what she’s doing, maybe I’ll just do some random things. Who knows. It’s 8:09 in the morning, no one is awake, I have no business attempting to plan my day right now. Also, I shouldn’t be doing that because I don’t know how anxious I’ll get through out the day. I don’t know what I’ll mentally be able to handle today. I don’t want to go out even though the state is basically open, because the virus isn’t gone. People stopped getting tested. In the states that have been opened the COVID cases have increased. Just because we’ve met the quota to get to phase 2, I have a feeling this isn’t over. I think a lot of people know this isn’t over. It’ll be what it’ll be though.

Now for something a little bit more trivial. Something that makes me feel better, for some reason, is to go on Sephora or Ulta and just scroll through the makeup. I’ll probably never buy most of it, but somehow it calms me down. I don’t always look for something in particular, but it helps. I love makeup. I haven’t been wearing it because of quarantine, and it makes me sad. I know I could just do it for the fun of it, which I should actually do. It’s something to do when I’m bored. Just put on a full face for no reason, sounds good to me. Anyway, since I’ve been working on my birthday list I’ve been going on each site almost everyday looking for things I may want. There are things I still really want to add to my collection, but I don’t really have an abundance of money. I’d rather save and splurge. Like save so much where I don’t mind buying enough things to reach free shipping and not freak out about it. I’m on my way there, but I’m not there yet. Hopefully soon though, but maybe not. We’ll see.

Anyway, hopefully you have a great Sunday filled with rest and productivity.

Coffee Chat, Kind Of

Happy Fri-yay! I’m sitting here drinking my coffee, todays drink of choice is a redeye (a regular coffee with a shot of espresso) made with my company’s coffee. The coffee is an Indonesian and the espresso is an Ethiopian. Also, in case you were wondering I do drink my coffee with creamer. I know, I own a coffee business I should be drinking my coffee black, but I just prefer it with creamer. Now that my daily coffee of choice is out of the way. I’m writing this on Tuesday morning, I told myself I wouldn’t write today, that I would give myself a break, but here I am. I told myself I have posts ready to go until Thursday, so there was no need to worry about blogging today. I just have some thoughts though, so I figured I would write them down.

As I sit here I’m very hungry, but I’m weird in the way that I don’t like to eat and drink coffee at the same time. In my newly formed morning routine though coffee comes before food. I’m not entirely sure why I did it that way. I’m not as exhausted as I felt yesterday (Monday). At least not yet. I have therapy today, I’m going to talk about my go hard or go home attitude when it comes to making routines or setting goals.

Okay, I’m back with another cup of coffee. I like to listen to podcasts in the morning, so, I like to sit at my kitchen table, drink my coffee, and do whatever I feel like I need to do. I’ve been up since 6:20 and I’ve just been feeling lazy. I just feel like there’s so much to do this morning. I have this laundry list of things I feel like I have to complete, but they should just be things I would like to complete. I don’t want to put the pressure on myself, because what I have to do really revolves around blogging. I have some projects and in regards to this blog, it will happen with time and hard work, I also need to do work in regards to my business blog. Even though that blog will only go up once a week I want to have those posts prepared about five days in advance Mostly so my boyfriend can edit it. I’ll probably just spend the day researching and planning.

I started this book yesterday called Be Mighty by Jill A. Stoddard. It has to do with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Honestly, I’m only on chapter two, but I’m so glad I found this book. You know when books have those “exercises” within these self-improvement books? Well if you’re like me you usually skip over them and just keep reading, but I’m not doing that this time. I’m actually doing the exercises and I really feel like I’m going to get a lot out of this book. I’m very excited to see where it takes me. I already have my next book I’m going to read and I’m excited about that one too. For pleasure reading, I’m reading The Iliad and The Odyessy. I love Greek mythology. Just a little fact about me.

So, if you’re looking for a coffee recommendation or a book recommendation, I highly recommend what I wrote about today. Have a great day!