Get it Together Girl

By girl, I mean me. I’ve been falling off the wagon recently with everything. Skincare, hair care, organization, self care and love, and mostly school. I don’t know what happened. I fell into a depression and I didn’t know what to do, then there was the crippling anxiety. I mean I guess that could have something to do with it, actually that has everything to do with it. I’ve had to learn that I can’t let my depression and anxiety control me, but that’s easier said than done.

I was also sick, then I was throwing up at least once a week for 2 weeks for no reason. It could be explained as stress, but that’s hard to except. That I was so stressed out that I threw up? That’s something new. I don’t like it. I know things are bad when my skin starts suffering. I have breakouts and dark spots and dullness. Things were to the point where I wouldn’t even wash my face or shower on a regular schedule. I used to have my weeks scheduled out, even my days, but that stopped working to make me want to do things. I just need to get it together. I just don’t know how. I feel lost and as if no one can help. The doctors have decided that I don’t need to change meds and that my dosage can’t be increased, which means it’s up to me. I have to find the strength to change and be better, do better. It’s easier said that done though.

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Have you ever…

Have you ever just been so physically, mentally, and emotionally drained, to the point of indifference? To the point where you just genuinely don’t care, you don’t care to feel or to be, you just float along. Because you don’t want to cry, you don’t want to laugh, you just don’t want any part in anything. Well that’s how I feel.
No, it’s not depression, it’s indifference, because I’ve been pulled in the same three directions for who knows how long the anchor of it all, the fourth direction, is too tired to care, or fight, or do anything at all. It’s the feeling of indifference, the feeling of not feeling. That’s where I am right now. I just don’t care to care, anything can happen at any moment, my mood can change to anything, and I won’t feel any remorse for it. That’s how far past the breaking point I’ve come to find myself.