Halloweek has Commenced.

Halloween is on Thursday. I’m not the biggest fan of Halloween, I’ve never had a really amazing experience with it, so I look forward to it, but I also don’t. I always feel this pressure to do something, to have that one perfect experience, then maybe I’ll be happy and start loving Halloween. I just don’t want to do anything though. Because I’ve outgrown the bar scene and I don’t really have enough friends to have a party or anything, so this year’s plan was to sit at home, in my sloth onesie, and get high. Now, my boyfriend suggested we go to Sleepy Hollow, in New York. It does sound like fun, and it would probably be a nice night. But, I’m not sure if I want to go. I have class at 1 so we would leave at 3ish. So I would have all day to prepare and get ready and just be okay. For some reason, I just don’t feel like it.

I hate crowds and there’s no way to know big the crowd will be at Sleepy Hollow. We were in Salem, MA last Halloween, and that was INSANITY. So many people. I don’t want to go through that again. There are just so many unknown variables. I haven’t been feeling well lately though, just very anxious and uncomfortable. I had a pretty bad manic episode on Tuesday and by Thursday, I had completely crashed. Needless to say, I missed class all week. We’ll be an hour and a half away from home, so if I start feeling bad, there’s essentially no where to go.

On the flip side, I feel like I should just go. I want these amazing experiences, so if I never go anywhere and just avoid things, how will I have those experiences or make those memories? I need to step out of my comfort zone and I know that. I’m constantly having these conflicting sides to every situation. If I go X could happen, but I won’t know unless I go. “X” could be anything. Good or bad, it’s just a variable. I need to just figure it out. Also, my boyfriend really wants to go, and I don’t want to let him down. He’s so amazing and he does so much for me, why can’t I just get out of my own head and just go? For him. I don’t want to ruin his Halloween by just nixing it immediately, so I’m going to think about it.

The more I think about it though, the deeper into my head I go. I don’t want to miss out on things. I know I can’t live inside my house forever. I need to go out. Do things, experience things, just live. I cannot let my disorder get in the way of things forever, I can’t hide behind it or use it as an excuse forever. All in all, let Halloweek commence.

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Hey Little Fighter, Things will get Brighter

I’ve been doing a lot of research into mental illness recently. Bipolar disorder, PTSD, and anxiety mostly. I’m not sure why now and not before. I also constantly feel like uncontrollably sobbing most of the time. Let’s just say that I’m feeling a lot of emotions right now. I’ve been doing all this research and I’m not really sure what I’m looking for, as if I’m searching for answers that I know don’t exist. Because what I feel is so personal, and raw, like people can relate, but no one feels the exact same way as I do at any given time, and I can’t always explain what I feel. It’s all very frustrating.

I haven’t been able to blog because I’ve been searching for these answers that can only be found in the depths of my mind. I keep thinking and thinking, I can feel my soul be suffocated, but I can never reach the answers I’m looking for. Mostly because I can’t figure out what question I’m asking on any given day. I just know I’m tired, exhausted, of my mind being at war with itself. Going through these flashbacks, which have thankfully subsided, has put a toll on me, like, it’s hard to figure out reality and memories, what’s now and what is history. So, there was that, now I’m just lost. My brain can’t handle much these days. I haven’t been able to work a full day of work, I’ve been isolating and spending a lot of time curled up on our tiny couch in our tiny living room, where it’s cozy and safe. I constantly have to remind myself that I’m safe, and what happened wasn’t my fault.

I didn’t do anything wrong, so why am I suffering?

I just don’t understand. My soul and mind can’t take it. The only reoccurring thought I have is that, I don’t want to die. I’m feeling a lot of fear right now, and it’s smothering me. I’m scared mostly of becoming suicidal and having to go back to the hospital. I don’t know why I feel like that if all I keep saying is that I don’t want to die. Like, that’s the opposite of what I’m truly afraid of. So I don’t know why I’m so distressed. My therapist says I’m fearing fear itself right now, because I also keep thinking about death.

All I think of when I think of being afraid of fear itself, I think about Harry Potter, when Lupin tells Harry that he’s afraid of fear itself because he’s afraid of the dementors, which are the guards of the wizard prison azkaban, and they feed off happiness and suck out peoples souls. Lovely image, right? I suppose that’s the point. Anyway, that’s how I feel, like a dementor is here sucking the life out of me.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, like I said, just sob uncontrollably until there’s no more tears left. I feel like that’s not possible though. I feel like I don’t know what I feel. I feel like I don’t know anything. I’m searching for answers to nothing, answers to a question that my soul is asking that I can’t make out. I suppose if I want to know the question, I have to get down and dirty with my feelings. I have to take a deep dive, take a break, and nourish my soul. It needs to be cared for now more than ever.

Also, on a positive note, it’s my birth-month. I LOVE my birthday, like I really love it. As soon as August hits I start my count down. Now it’s the 7th and I could care less about turning 25, a few weeks ago I was so exited and planning my trip to Salem, MA (where my boyfriend and I will be spending most of my birth-week). Now, I just feel like I’m struggling to get through the day. I’m just tired and over these emotions and I just want to give up. I won’t though. I’m in this for the long haul and I will walk through the fire, or I will rise from it, like a phoenix.