Luck and Love

I was having a conversation with my boyfriend, literally 10 minutes ago. I said that I win every single day when I get to be with him, butttt that’s not going to stop me from entering as many giveaways as I can.

I’m sitting on the floor next to his side of the bed, with my dog next to me, why? I just had the urge it sit on the floor. He said it’s because I “wanted a change of scenery”. Which is quite possible. Anyway, I’m watching my usual YouTube beauty videos and one of my favorite YouTubers, just released an eyeshadow palette, and I didn’t think I wanted it until I saw the reviews. Now I’m like NEED. Unfortunately, by time I get the money to get it, it’ll be sold out. I entered two giveaways to try and win it, but no luck there. I haven’t won a giveaway, well, ever. I enter a lot too. That’s the main reason I got my Twitter, to enter giveaways. That probably sounds crazy. I mean, to me it makes sense. I like free things. If it’s easy to enter, then I don’t see why not. I have 7 followers on Twitter. My main Twitter. I don’t even know how many I have on my blog Twitter. Anyway, I’m clearly not the luckiest person when it comes to giveaways. That’s fine with me. As much as it would be nice to get all those things, I’m lucky in other ways.

I have a place to live, I have the best pets, and a wonderful love of my life. Along with MANY other blessings in my life in the form of people. My parents, my best friend, my whole family in general. It just shows me, that sometimes I need to take a minute and reflect. Because I really don’t think I do that enough. I feel like I don’t take things for granted, but sometimes I do. Sometimes I forget to just stop and look around and see all the love in my life, the true luck that I have.

I may not have a knack for winning giveaways, but I sure do have a knack for attracting the best people. I guess, that is luck.

Sunday Rants

Grab a snack, grab a drink, it’s time for a rant!

It’s 3:00 on Sunday afternoon, I’m cranky, hungry, anxious, and irritable, I also have a slight migraine. So, needless to say, I’m not having a great day, I mean, it’s not the worst, but it could 100% be going better. I got up around 7:40, watched some youtube, scrolled on some social media, waited for my boyfriend to wake up. By time he woke up, I was already anxious. We had planned on cleaning today and I already felt overwhelmed by it. To say the least, our apartment is a mess. It is extremely overwhelming, like I want to clean, but I look at all the stuff that has to be done, and I start panicking, so I don’t do it. The main thing I have issues with, is the dishes. I know, I know, it seems like something basic and minimal, like, just do it. We have no where to put our dishes though, so if I wash them, they just sit until we use them, then we use them, they sit in the sink until I do them, so it’s just like a vicious cycle. I hate it. There are other things I could do that I don’t find as daunting, but I just can’t seem to do it.

So, instead of cleaning earlier, I went to ulta with my best friend. I got an eye shadow palette I’ve been wanting, a lip gloss, and a primer. I felt guilty afterwards, feeling like I shouldn’t have spent the money. That just added to how I had already been feeling. I also felt pretty down last night after I posted, like really down, negative self talk and all. So, I dealt with that, went to sleep, woke up, and today is another day..to feel bad.

I’ve been feeling okay for the most part, it’s just the past few days. I’m irritated that I’ve had a migraine for the past three days, that we got nothing done today, and that I spent money that I feel like I shouldn’t have. I’m also waiting on and amazon order, which is taking forever, so I’m just basically annoyed by everything. Also, I hate change, and my boyfriend has been moving a bunch of stuff around in our living room, making me very anxious. So, basically this is just a long rant about how I’ve been feeling the past few days.

I’m waiting on my amazon order which is just some beauty stuff that I thought I needed, but I keep asking myself, do I actually need it? I got multiples of pretty much everything, because I’m notorious for losing most things beauty related. Hair ties, my favorite hair clips, lip balm, makeup brushes, you name it, I lose it. So, I do actually need the things that I got, they’re things I use on a regular basis and lose, on a regular basis.

I need to find something new to do with my time. I watch a lot of youtube, but I can’t keep doing it. There are other things I could do, read, write listen to an audio book or music. The possibilities are endless! I choose to not do them though, because they’re out of my comfort zone and cause anxiety. And what do I do when something makes me anxious? Avoid it. I can’t avoid everything though, that doesn’t mean I won’t try. So, I’m going to go avoid cleaning some more and keep watching youtube.

End Rant.

Torrid Mini-Haul

I figured I’d try something new here. So here it goes!

I am on a plus size fashion adventure. I recently came to the conclusion that I had to start buying plus size clothes, and I made peace with that. So when I had that realization, I had no idea where to start shopping for clothes. So of course I did a little googling, posted in a few facebook groups for advice, and came up with a few stores to try. The most talked about one was Torrid, so I decided I’d check them out, and I quickly came to see why they were recommended by so many people. My favorite thing is that they’re always having sales.

Now, if you have ever shopped for plus size clothing, you’ve come to realize that plus size clothing costs more. A shirt in a size medium will cost a reasonable amount, but a size XL will cost you $2-$3 more. It’s actually ridiculous, it’s also called the “fat tax”. Which is even worse. Anyway, I went to torrid, saw the prices and, being the frugal person I was raised to be, thought no way. Until, I saw their sales. My, what a beautiful world it turned into.

This last paycheck I picked up a few pieces, the sale was an extra 50% off clearance, so of course I had to take advantage. So here’s what I got:

First off, I’ve totally been into floral prints and comfy clothes. So I got a pair of pants, they’re the: Paisley Floral Ponte Slim Fix,

I haven’t tried these on yet, but I’ll keep you posted. I just thought they were super cute and they’re cropped which is perfect for me, because I’m pretty short. I’m excited to wear them!

This is a skirt that I got. It’s kind of like a body con skirt, it folds over on top and it’s nice and the material is nice and thick. I put it on pretty much as soon as I got the package. It’s the perfect length and has a super fun and bright geometric pattern.

The other two things I got were a belt and sunglasses. I needed a belt because I don’t own one, and I just love sunglasses.

I can’t wait to wear the sunglasses (even though my boyfriend hates them!) and I love the belt I just think it’s adorable and it’s the right size.

So yeah, that’s my little mini haul! I’ll keep you posted on how the pants fit and how all the other stuff wears!

Easy Breezy Lemon Squeezee

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Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort”. –Franklin D. Roosevelt 

Today is the 4th of July, in case you hadn’t noticed by all the instagram posts and tweets about beer and the beach.

I’m trying to keep the day easy breezy, no plans, no obligations, just hang out in the air conditioning and focus on some blogging. The issue is, that my Ipad won’t update certain applications anymore and it won’t download others, which means I needed a new way of streaming things and other random things I do on my tablet. Which brings me to the money. Now, I’m pretty good at saving, but I also fall into the trap where I think I need things I don’t actually need or spend money on things I could easily do myself. I also get paid biweekly for an internship, which pays $15 an hour, for that I am very lucky. I’m also lucky because my resume looks pretty darn good, not to sound full of myself. I work hard at what I do, and I’ve decided my new venture is blogging.

I’ve always loved to write, mostly writing in my journal, some poems here and there and maybe a short story or two. I’ve also always wanted to share my story, of a very boring life. Until the bipolar roller coaster started. Now, I don’t plan on making money blogging, it’s more of a hobby, a way to get my creative energy out, kind of do what I’ve always wanted to, and share my story. I’m not that experienced though, so I’m trying to learn. I don’t exactly have a niche, like all the sites tell you to have, I just write. I want to find a niche though, lifestyle, beauty, mental health, I want to dabble in it all. Which requires money. I need a web hosting site-money, I need to buy enough things to share what I think of them-money, and I need to pay my bills-also, money. Now my man makes enough money to support us, but relying on someone else always leaves a bad taste in my mouth, I feel guilty very easily, and I try not to spend his money. But, you need to spend money to make money? Maybe.

I’ll have to get creative and work with what I have, which really, when i look at all the things I own, is a bunch of random nonsense. I can work with random nonsense though. Someway somehow. I need to make goals, in order to achieve something, and to do that, I have to get creative. Try new things. The issue is, I’m bad at holding myself accountable for things. Like today, I try to keep things easy breezy, but, that’s not always how life works. I have goals, I want to go to law school, I want to get a good job, I want a house, and to get married. That all starts with holding myself accountable. Not living an easy breezy type of life, well living that way everyday, some days you need it, some days, easy breezy will get you no where.

But for today, its easy breezy. 

Enjoy your 4th!

The East End in July

I don’t spend a lot of time all the way out on the east end of Long Island (i live closer to the middle) especially in the summer. Today was one of the days though, that I decided to venture out the the lavender fields in East Marion. My, my, what an experience. It was just a perfect morning.

I packed up my boyfriend and the car, as if we were going on a road trip, and off we went. My parents were going to meet us out there. (I’m also one of those people who likes to be over prepared). Anyway, we ventured out and drove, and drove. We stopped for coffee at one of my favorite shops, which was packed, which I thought was just giving me an idea of how the day was going to go, but boy was I wrong.

We made great time out to East Marion and there was practically no one at the lavender fields. It was the perfect morning. The sun was shining it wasn’t too hot, it was just right. So we paid the fee to get in (yes, there’s a $9 fee to get into a lavender field, but trust me it’s worth it). Then we started meandering our way around the fields, there’s probably about 4-5 acres of lavender, it wasn’t fully bloomed, but it was still beautiful and if you like the smell of lavender, this is your type of place. There’s English and French lavender and it’s just a sea of beautiful flowers. And of course, purple is my favorite color sooooo, I was obsessed.

I always see people taking the cutest pictures in this field and they always look so amazing. So, of course, I made my boyfriend take a million and one pictures. And it was just the best day.

Let me just add some stuff about my mental state. This was a day that I needed. We left at 8:15 and we were back by 1:15, there was barely any anxiety, and it was just perfect. I knew what to do to minimize my anxiety, but still be able to go and do something I really wanted to do. So, I made the plans and just did it. My strength outweighed the panic today.

Another thing (I know this post is like a million years long) is that I wore shorts and a crop for the first time since I put on the medication weight. I’m not the biggest fan of my body, but I’ve been reading a lot about body positively lately. So I decided, eff it, and I wore the cute outfit. I cringed at the pictures a little bit, but the memories that were made today is why really matters, so I posted the pictures.

That’s my story for the day, it was a beautiful Sunday, in my beautiful life, and I’m the luckiest girl in the world. So, is it worth it, you ask? Going to the east end in the summer? Yes. But be sure to plan it properly, trust me.

Plan your escape

It’s a slow day at work today. I’m by myself, doing nothing, so I figured I’d write a post. It’s been awhile. Basically, I’ve been feeling good. Well more like neural, no waiting for the other shoe to drop kind of good, but just chilling good. It’s amazing. I haven’t felt like this in forever.

Anyway, I switched from adderall to vyvanse, so far so good. By that I mean I just switched yesterday morning and nothing bad has happened yet. Sooo yeah, I’m pretty happy about it.

I’m working today, I’m very proud of myself, I’ve only taken one day off in the last four weeks and I didn’t leave early any days. Like, who am I? The queen of “not feeling well” to the point where I would keep myself from doing things, even working. I’m in a much better head space from a year ago. Why, I don’t know. I keep writing in my journal, that something isn’t clicking, but that’s the thing, I think things are clicking. Finally. So no symptoms are the best symptoms, right?

I guess to answer my own question, it’s a thin line. Sometimes you’ll get too comfortable with no symptoms and neglect yourself, sometimes you’ll focus on it too much and you won’t let yourself feel, what I would call, neutral. So I guess I’ve found the balance. I’m taking care of myself, the best I can, but, also doing the best I can, I’m aware. Aware of triggers, situations, my own anxiety. Mostly triggers. I’m thinking about it now. Like, if this situation is going to make me anxious, than I’ll handle it this way. Instead of blindly going in and hoping it’ll work out, that’s not how my brain works. I need to be prepared, always have an escape plan. Even if it’s just me telling someone that I “don’t feel well”, that’s my default. No matter what I do or where I go, I think I’ll always be the queen of “I don’t feel well”. It’s my roots. I used to have trouble describing what I felt, so I would just say that I didn’t feel well, because that’s all I knew. I knew I didn’t feel well, I couldn’t explain why or anything past that, that was my baseline. For a long time. How and why that changed was a force of nature and it just so happened that, that force was me. I thought it was meds or biology, but it was me.

I am the force of nature behind this change.

Get it Together Girl

By girl, I mean me. I’ve been falling off the wagon recently with everything. Skincare, hair care, organization, self care and love, and mostly school. I don’t know what happened. I fell into a depression and I didn’t know what to do, then there was the crippling anxiety. I mean I guess that could have something to do with it, actually that has everything to do with it. I’ve had to learn that I can’t let my depression and anxiety control me, but that’s easier said than done.

I was also sick, then I was throwing up at least once a week for 2 weeks for no reason. It could be explained as stress, but that’s hard to except. That I was so stressed out that I threw up? That’s something new. I don’t like it. I know things are bad when my skin starts suffering. I have breakouts and dark spots and dullness. Things were to the point where I wouldn’t even wash my face or shower on a regular schedule. I used to have my weeks scheduled out, even my days, but that stopped working to make me want to do things. I just need to get it together. I just don’t know how. I feel lost and as if no one can help. The doctors have decided that I don’t need to change meds and that my dosage can’t be increased, which means it’s up to me. I have to find the strength to change and be better, do better. It’s easier said that done though.

I’ve been thinking

A lot the past few days.

About how, I want to do something important, something that matters, something that will influence other people. I watch a lot of beauty videos on YouTube, and it hit me, that they have such a huge platform, they have the ability to do something. They choose to do the things they do and for that I’m thankful. Because I watch them a lot and by a lot I mean a lot. Watching YouTube is my escape and I’m constantly looking for an escape from my bipolar. Being bipolar, I have different struggles from other people, certain things are more difficult for me, but everyone has their own struggle and issues, I don’t want to take away from that.

This escape, is turning into sort of an inspiration, not that I’m going to stop everything I’m doing and become start doing YouTube full time. I mean, I want to find my own little space where I can have an impact on people. I know I can do that by telling my story or maybe whatever I do can become an escape for someone else, like YouTube is for me. I want to be a safe space, I want people to be able to come to me as they are and leave a little bit more…something. I don’t know, inspired, heard, maybe they found something that relates to them. I want to help people and I want to do it sooner rather thank later, I want to start now. The thing is though, I have to learn to be patient, creating a platform, it takes time, it takes grit. I have grit and I have time, I don’t have patience. That’s a big flaw that I have. I have to learn to move past it though. Because a platform isn’t just going to appear out of thin air, I have to create it. I have to clear out my own little space in the world. It’s a journey it’s not magic.

I’ve been extremely blessed my whole life. I don’t want to waste that, I have had experiences and opportunities that other people don’t get. Yes, I have bipolar. What I do with that, is what matters. Do I give up and give into the disorder? Do I take it as just another obstacle and use it to grow? I guess it depends on the day. Some days I want to give in, hide and do nothing, other days, I want to be productive and just do everything. I suppose that’s the nature of the disorder. The point, is to find a happy medium. I need to find that. I want to find that. I want to find that space and just live there. Find it and so everything I can to stay there. Then from there, keep rising. Grow and learn and create. That’s where the platform will come from and that is where I will find my niche. That’s where I will live.

Sunday’s make me smile

I woke up at 5am today. Why? I’m not sure, this usually happens on Sunday’s though. I’ll wake up early, even before the sun, and I’ll watch YouTube videos, I should do something else. Something for my self care, I don’t know, mediate or something, that would probably be the smart thing to do, but that’s not me. I think I wake up this early because I feel less anxious. Usually, I wake up between 7 and 8, and I’ll experience extreme anxiety. When I wake up at 5 though, I don’t. It’s pretty weird, but that’s why I don’t mind, doing weird things, that is me.

So what’s on my schedule for today? Well there’s things I should do and then there’s the things that I will do. I like to make a to-do list every morning, made up of a mixture of both. So, Sunday’s its usually, shower, skincare, hair, and then relax. Then maybe I’ll write or do schoolwork. I’ll spend the day talking to the boyfriend and constantly texting my best friend. By constantly, I mean constantly. There’s a never ending flow of messages about the most meaningful to the most random things. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a friend like that, but it truly is a blessing.

Other Sunday things include, making weekly lists for my vision board, watching Buffy, lots of beauty YouTube, and music. Oh, yeah, baseball is back too, so Sunday’s are for day games and watching the Mets. Things that make my heart smile. Sunday’s are for that. I don’t particularly like Saturdays, like I said, I’m weird, but like a good weird. Sunday’s are my day though. Sunday’s are easy, breezy, for me anyway. Maybe today we’ll drive out to that little coffee shop I love or go to brunch or maybe just lay around the apartment. Who knows what Sunday’s hold, not me, that’s for sure.