Sunday Rambles Pt. 5

It’s early, like 5:20 am early. I got up to go to the bathroom and couldn’t fall back asleep, so right now it’s just me and Bruce. Also, when I woke up I saw that our motion sensor back porch light was on, which is very weird. It doesn’t usually get triggered by animals and I am not going to go investigate. Unless I get too hungry and have to go make waffles downstairs. I’m not there yet, but I’m sure it’ll happen. Actually, it’s fathers day, so I may hold out until my mom makes breakfast. We’ll see how much will-power I have.

Sometimes when I wake up early and decide today is going to be a “maybe” day, I feel a bit more relaxed than usual. Probably because I know I won’t be pushing myself to do thing after thing after thing. Also my dad just wants to do nothing for Father’s Day today. I kinda want to work out, but I also kind of don’t. On another note I just dropped my laptop. I’m not sure if I’ve ever written this, but according to my boyfriend, I am where electronics go to die. I don’t buy new or expensive electronics because they always break on me. I just made my first expensive headphones, I paid a whopping $77. I’m very frugal, so I really had to be pushed to order them, but I finally did, and I’m very excited.

I’m not really tired right now and I need to stay awake. I’ve fallen back into the pattern of falling back asleep on the couch after I wake up and come out the the living room. Well it’s a little while later and I worked out and fell asleep on the couch. I guess that could be considered balance.

It’s very warm in my apartment right now. The only air conditioner is in the bedroom and my boyfriend is sleeping so the door is currently closed. I’m in the living room with two fans trying to keep cool. I’m not very good in the heat because I get really bad migraines if i’m not careful, which I’m usually not. So the name of the game for the rest of the summer is to stay as cool as possible.

As usual I’m the first one up. I don’t even know when anyone else will be awake. I was thinking about going to sit outside and take in the fresh air. I did not do that though. I’m glad I didn’t because it is blazing out there. I mean, I’m not really much cooler where I am now, but still.

It’s that time of the week where I start adding random things to my birthday list. I love makeup, but that’s not all that I want, I can’t think of other things I want though. I want to get things that will better me and help me become better.

On a total other rant, I hate shopping for clothes online. For one reason being plus size it’s hard to find somewhere that sells clothes in my size in general. I can only order off torrid because that’s the only place where I’ve tried clothes on in person before. I don’t have the money for that. All I want is a pair of plain jean shorts that don’t cost an arm and a leg. I can’t order anything off amazon because I don’t know how it’ll fit and if it doesn’t not only will I feel bad about myself, but I’ll have to return them, which I’m not very good at.

Okay, it’s now Monday afternoon and I’m feeling slightly okay. I don’t really have a lot to say today so I figured I would just tack some Monday rambles on the tail end of my Sunday rambles post. It was 81 degrees in my living room this morning and all I had was a fan. I even worked out. It was way too hot to make regular coffee, so we ordered Panera and I got my cold brew, thankfully. I’m now feeling like more of a human, Anyway, I think I’ll do an actual post for today.

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Alive After Five or Nah? Summer on the South Shore

I live on the South Shore of Long Island, New York, and the last week of June, every summer, for the past 10 years or so, means Alive After Five.

What is Alive After Five, you ask? Well. essentially it’s a giant street fair, the streets are closed starting at 3, the vendors come in, and people start filtering in. There will end up being thousands of people on the street. I haven’t gone in about 3 years. So, I’m not entirely sure what it’s like besides what I hear. When I did go though, it was awesome. That seems like a life time ago though.

Now, Alive After Five, is pretty much anyone that has anxiety, in any way, shape, or form, their nightmare. The streets are packed, people are getting out of control, it’s loud. That’s why I stopped going, even the thought of it would bring on panic. Except today, for some reason I feel like going, I feel like it might be fun. I’m not sure why I think that, it’s always the same, I don’t think it’s changed since the last time I went. I am bored though, and hungry, but also exhausted. So, I’m not sure if that combination of things is good, or bad when deciding if I want to venture out into the world. Into one of the busiest nights of the summer, I want to go, but I also don’t want to trigger an anxiety attack and I don’t want to trigger a manic episode either. Because, sometimes if there’s too much going on or I have sensory overload, I’ll get manic. I don’t want that.

I don’t know whats keeping me from going, fear or just knowing myself so well by now, that I know if I go I’ll get triggered. It’s a fine line I walk when I want to go out and do things, am I afraid? Am I being smart? Today I honestly don’t even know where my head is at, I feel like I can’t think straight, I feel like I don’t know anything. Maybe I should stay home.