Trying is Enough

I’m sorry about the unexpected hiatus. I’ve been mourning pretty hard the past week or so. I’m writing this at 6:20 in the morning. For some reason i felt like writing so I wanted to take advantage of it.

What’s been happening is that I’ve been consumed with anxiety. Like when I wake up, on a scale of 1-10, my anxiety is usually about a 7. It doesn’t really let up during the day either. So, basically to combat the anxiety I have to try and revamp my morning routine. Which I don’t want to do, but I need to. My mental health is the most important thing. If that means I need to change a few things then by all means I will. I’m cutting back from working out 6 days to 4 or 5. I’m just kind of changing random things to see if it’ll make things better. I’m not really sure what else to do. Today, i decided to have a snack when I woke up, with my water. We’ll see.

Another thing I’m doing is trying to change my mindset. I try to think, okay I feel bad, what do I need to do feel better? It’s more of an active way of approaching my anxiety rather than passive. Right now the answer is usually anti-anxiety medication and time. I’m so consumed with sadness that my body doesn’t know what to do and my anxiety kicks in. The only thing that heals a loss though is time. So, I try and find a distraction and relax.

Another way I’m trying to do is complain less. I’m constantly complaining about how bad I feel, like every hour. How is that being productive? If I just lay around and just keep thinking that I don’t feel well, I’ll get lost in my own head. That is not helpful at all and it’s very annoying. I’m not very good a looking at the big picture when I don’t feel well. Which is also not helpful. Since I’ve been trying to change my mindset things are kind of getting better. I feel better this morning so far, I mean, I’ve only been awake for 38 minutes, but usually by this point my anxiety would be a 7 and I’d be curled up on the couch under a blanket trying to control my breathing.

I’m going to make a to-do list today with like two things. I don’t want to overwhelm myself because that will trigger my anxiety. Let’s be real though, almost anything can trigger my anxiety. It’s more about how I handle it now. It’s about how much effort I put in even though I don’t feel well. It’s about trying and that has to be enough.

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Day to Day

My little heart hurts. I can’t seem to figure out a happy medium for how to achieve things during the day. I’ll wake up and it’s hit or miss. Most of the morning I’m usually okay. At some point though the sadness gets me. I’m not down or depressed, I’m just sad. I’m in mourning. The only things that can heal something like this is time. That’s not an easy thing to accept, because we are used to having instant answers, but the only answer to someone close to you passing, is time.

I feel like all my inspiration and will power has left me. I have ideas, but I can’t seem to act on those ideas. I can make a list, but what’s the point if I don’t have the will power to complete it? To even get one of the tasks done. Yet, like when dealing with most things, some days are better than others. For example, a few days ago I set 3 simple goals. I completed all 3 before noon. Today though, I can barely get off the couch. This is actually the third post I’ve started today because nothing seems right. I’m not able to elaborate on any of my ideas. So, I’m back to the old school writing about my feelings.

I’m roasting today, so the kitchen where I work is over 80 degrees, which I’m sure isn’t helping anything. I don’t feel like watching anything. I don’t want to engage in social media because I’m overwhelmed by the news. I can barely handle what’s happening in my personal life, let alone create my opinions on what’s happening in the world. Being a political science major, I feel like I should have thoughts, ideas, and answers. Be able to carry out a discussion. Right now though, I just can’t.

I’m very anxious, that’s how it’s been for a few days. Just consumed by anxiety. Which just makes me want to shut down and do nothing. Just curl up in a blanket in front of my fan in my 78 degree living room. So, that’s what I do. I feel like there’s only a short period of time where I can get things done during the day, I have to find that time and do all the things that I can. I had a few posts planned for this week, but those will probably be on hold until next week. I keep hoping that the next day will be better, but there’s no way to tell if it will be. I mean, if we knew how we would feel the next day, well I don’t know what would happen.

I think something I’m learning is that I’m still learning. No one expects me to know all the answers and knowing myself I know I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have to be perfect. I’m aloud to feel my feelings how ever I need to express them.

Hope In A Time of Uncertainty

I think I’m going to put the easy breezy organization on hold for now. Right now I want to talk about optimism. Optimistic is defined as hopeful and confident about the future I know it seems like that is something non-existent right now. We are uncertain about the future, there is no certainty in life in general. There is hope though.

Pandora’s box has been opened and all that’s left is hope. Hope is defined as- a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. I may not be a traditionally spiritual person, but I believe in hope. I’m also not a very optimistic person, but I am a hopeful person. I think hope is our strongest tool. When people pray, they’re sending hope out into the universe.

We’re all dealing with things differently. Yet, there’s hope in everything we do. For example, right now I’m distracting myself by looking for the perfect avocado green eye eye shadow palette. Every time I find one I like, I hope it’s on sale or that the shipping will be free. Hope is everywhere, you just have to know where to look.

Right now is a time to look to the future, look at whats happening right now, in our cities and with our citizens. Look at it. Then find that sliver of hope.

Bring Back the Routine

It’s Monday morning and I’m awake, I worked out and made coffee, now I’m writing this post. I’m trying to get back into some sort if routine to see if I can create some semblance of normalcy. I’m not sure if it will work, but I figured I would try. I feel pretty good right now. The morning is my quiet time. The only thing I can’t do is vacuum. Which is what I surprisingly want to do right now. Which is weird because i hate cleaning. I do it, but I loathe it. I suppose everyone does though.

It’s one of those days I’ll be working from the couch, which is what I’ve been doing lately. That’s not part of the routine, The routine is to sit at the table and listen to podcasts. Right now I’m sitting on the couch watching youtube. Total opposites. Regardless, I got the first part down, so that’s something. I’m not really tired, which is good. The anti-routine had me falling back asleep on the couch almost as soon as I was out in the living room. That’s how I know I’ exhausted though, I can sleep in the bed for 8-9 even 10 sometimes, and then I fall back asleep on the couch.

I really feel like I have nothing to write, but I want to post, writing is cathartic for me. I feel like with everything going on, whatever I write is trivial. It’ll be what it’ll be though. I really want to crawl back into bed, but I won’t. I’ll settle into the couch and just write. I miss seeing my best friend. This is the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other. I would love to add seeing her to my routine. Working out together would be great. I just want to get out of the house in general. I love my boyfriend more than anything, but sometimes you just need your best friend.

I need to add watching what I eat, portion control, and how many times I eat. This isn’t a restriction I put on myself, it’s doctors orders. I go through phases where I follow it and when I don’t. I can feel a difference what I do what he says, and when I just eat large portions, I eat like twice a day, and eat softer foods. I haven’t been following it and my stomach has been hurting and I’ve been super bloated. Which is not good. I need to focus on my overall health. Including my digestive health. So I need to add that to my routine, not just my morning, but my non existent daily routine.

I also need to stop wearing clothes with holes in them. That’s how much I don’t care. I constantly wear shirts with holes in the armpits or leggings with random holes in them, that I don’t even know how they got there. So, those are the two things I’ll add to my daily routine. I also miss wearing makeup, I could put it on for no reason, but I just don’t have the energy. I also have stress pimples, which is so much fun. I should add skincare to my morning routine. I cleanse my face, but that’s about it. I need to just add one thing at a time though. I can’t push my limits because then I’ll just stop the routine all together.

So, I’m going to try and get back into the groove of having a routine and add a few necessary extras. I’m going to go set my intention and choose my word of the week.

Sunday Rambles Pt 3

I’m going to try and keep this a bit more easy breezy, but I can’t make any promises. So, the first thing I woke up to was a half eaten, what I think was a bat, outside my bedroom door. We leave my cat outside in the living room and kitchen at night, sometimes he catches bats. All our windows are closed though, so i’m not entirely sure where he got the bat from, and that also begs the question, do cats eat bats? Anyway, we may have to get him his rabies shot, because I’m not sure if he has it or not. Hopefully he does, but I won’t know until my boyfriend wakes up.

I already drank my coffee and had a small snack, so today I’m not going to try and force myself to relax, but I still need time to process and grieve. I’m not sure how other people are feeling and no one is really asking me. I’m okay with that though. I don’t want people swarming me, the people that matter know how I’m feeling. Yesterday morning I was exhausted, mostly emotionally and mentally, but I felt it in my body too. I just wanted to sleep, which I did. I must have taken like 3 naps yesterday. I know I’ll be okay though.

There’s so may things I want to do, but I know the best thing for me to do is to rest. Sit with my feelings and let myself feel them, try and not distract myself too much. I haven’t been listening to any podcasts really, which makes me kind of sad. I love podcasts. I just feel like the TV is my comfort zone and like most people I don’t like to leave my comfort zone. Sometimes I feel like podcasts are out of my comfort zone, so I just don’t feel like podcasts are in that comfort zone. One of my posts this week is most likely going to be about circle of control and circle of concern. I’m not sure what day that’s going to go up, but I’m looking forward to that post. So look for that.

It’s starting to get really warm in New York, which means that the air conditioner in. I’m not crazy about that. When I was living in mt old room I wasn’t allowed to have one in my room, because it would have been on the same circuit as my parents and it would blow the fuse. So, I’m used to living in the heat, and I actually like it. Having all the windows open and having fans, it’s how I’m most comfortable in the summer. Now though, we have the animals and we need to have the air conditioner for them.

I’m anxious, but I think it’s because I’m hungry, so I should probably eat. We usually order breakfast, but I don’t know when he’ll be awake. He’s found a new hobby and he’s very excited and I’m excited for him. It makes me feel like I should find one, but then I realized, writing is my hobby. Right now this blog is my hobby. I don’t want to think of it as a hobby, but it’s not a job yet. I want it to be. Not like a full full time job, but just a full time job. Because I know that’s what I want to do, but I can’t put that time in right now. I own my own business, and that’s my true full time job. I wake up early to write these posts or I write them in bulk. There’s so many things I want to do with writing, but I can’t do that right this second. Maybe in a few weeks, but right now, writing is a hobby. I write all day. I have a jotterpad page open all day on here and I have so many journals filled with ideas. It’s just not the time, but I feel like at some point it will be. I’m pretty confident in that.

Since this is my Sunday Rambles post, I may just keep writing. I’ve decided that I’m going to start writing an intention for the week and making two goals for the week and choosing a word for the week and just keep that in mind. I’m not sure what this weeks word will be. I’m thinking maybe strength or rest or heal. My intention maybe something like, feel your feelings, sit with them and that it’s okay to be sad. I don’t really know. I’ll figure it out. I don’t usually do it until Sunday night.

My mom just made a smoothie and it was really good, so that might fill me up a little bit. I’m pretty awake now. For some reason coffee makes me more awake than any other type of energy drink. I actually feel pretty okay right now. I think I’ll go bask in it. Happy Sunday! I hope this wasn’t too much of a ramble fest.

It’s Okay to Feel Okay

So, it’s Saturday afternoon. I’m roasting coffee for an order, it’s very warm and muggy on Long Island, and the apartment is even hotter. I was in distress because when it gets hot I’m more prone to migraines, and just like everyone else feels, I get very uncomfortable in general. Well, I found a fan on the top shelf of our bathroom cabinets, my boyfriend got it down. I went out to drop off a delivery and as I was driving back I felt that tinge of pain that is the beginning of a migraine. When I got home, he had set up the fan in the kitchen and I remembered that I had a nice cold celsius energy drink in the fridge. So, I’m standing here, drinking my cold drink, with the fan aimed at my back and youtube videos on, and writing. I am a happy camper. I don’t know that last time I said that. I used to say it a lot for small things, like, if I got ice cream on a random day, I would be a happy camper. Anyway, I’m comfortable and I’m okay. I am okay. I’m not saying I’m fantastic or anything, I’m just okay or neutral. I don’t know how long this will last so I’m going to take advantage of it.

I always have a post planned or have a seed of an idea planted in my head, but right this second I don’t. I’m just going to free write a little bit. Like I said, I’m roasting right now. The beans smell amazing and look even better. I’m happy with my work. There’s another bean I’m having a bit of trouble with, but I have confidence I will figure it out. I’m part of this blogger group on facebook and I keep seeing people posting this or that about their blog. My post about comparison is live by now, so you may know that I’m having some issues with comparing myself to others right now. Also, I’m what I like to call a “lurker” on Facebook. I don’t post too often, I don’t comment or like, I just fly under the radar. To the point where people rarely say happy birthday to me on my birthday. So, here I am seeing all these veteran and emerging bloggers come together and what am I doing? Comparing myself. This person writes 1000 word posts, on that same post I was following about word counts someone wrote “20 percent more than your competition”. I was a bit taken aback. Are we in this group to compete with each other or help each other? Who am I competing against? The only person I can think of is myself. I mean, of course there’s other blogs that are advertising and getting monetized, but I’m not there yet. At this point in my blogging career the only person I’m trying to be better than, is myself.

I have to learn to set reasonable goals for myself. Maybe one post I had during the week reached 1000 words or so. Maybe the next week I’ll aim for two posts with that many words. I mean maybe pretty loosely. I know what I’m capable of and I know what a reasonable goal for myself is. Other people set their goals based on their lives. What their everyday life is like. For example, I love blogging, but I have other priorities. I have a small business to run, I have things to do for school, and most importantly my biggest priority is my mental health. Besides my relationships with people and my animals, my mental health needs to take priority. I don’t know what these other bloggers are going through, I don’t know what they do besides blogging. Just like social media, you only see what they want you to see. I feel like I’m pretty open about my mental health and how it affects me. I don’t go much further than that though, which is why I want to add in some lifestyle here and there. I want to show you more than just mental health, because while it may be my priority, it’s not all that I am. Most of my weekly posts are pre-written, because when I do feel okay or have a spark of inspiration during my down time I want to take advantage of it. Which is why my weekend posts are written day of, I want you to see what I did this week and read my rambles about what I want to get done. Anyway, I’m going to go take advantage of feeling okay and just lounge around the apartment.

Weekly Wrap-Up

It’s that time of the week. First things first, I think you should you that my dog is very happy right now. I just let her out of the room, I keep her in there while I work out in the morning. Anyway, she’s happy to be awake. Me? Not so much. I worked out and made coffee and now I’m here. So, how was my week? It was interesting. I had a kind of breakdown yesterday morning. I didn’t want my boyfriend to know I was crying, so I ran into the bathroom and started hysterically crying. I’m not going to get into the circumstances why that happened, but it did. It really exhausted me. So I had a mini self-care day. I showered and did my nails, and just let myself relax a little bit. That’s my version of self-care.

Anyway, the rest of the week, I didn’t cry besides yesterday, which in my book is a win. We only got one big order from our sale, which was kind of disappointing. I have to roast that today. I did not write my business plan like I had planned on doing. I also didn’t finish writing my work blog. I almost had a manic episode Tuesday morning. I also did tons of work yesterday after I cried it out. It’s funny how during the week I’ll think to myself, I need to write this in Saturday’s blog post, but when I sit here I can’t remember.

I think I’ll list somethings that I’ve been loving this week:

• I’ve been loving drinking our Ethiopian coffee. It’s always been my favorite, but I’ve been more mindful and actually being tasting the coffee. If that makes sense to anyone. I also love adding Ethiopian espresso into my regular coffee, with a splash of Silk Almond milk creamer (caramel). It’s just a perfect way to start my morning. If you want me to go more indepth about coffee and the different types we like, just let me know!
• Vans Gluten Free pancakes! They are an acquired taste, but they’re a good option if I want something quick that I know I’ll enjoy. They’re microwavable, so if you’re not crazy about microwaveable pancakes, then maybe skip these. I’m gluten free for health reasons.
• Talking to my animals as if they were people. I mean, I’ve loved doing for as long as I’ve had them. I have one cat named Bruce (after Bruce Wayne) and a dog named Roxy, but we call her a million different names, the most popular one is Peapie. As my boyfriend says “we only use her given name when she has done something that she shouldn’t have”. Which is very rare. Unless our neighbors dogs are outside, then it’s pretty normal. She doesn’t get along with other dogs. Anyway, I constantly love talking to them like they’re people. Oh! Also, they’re my boyfriends animals, we brought them up here two years ago from North Carolina. They quickly stole my heart and I adopted them as my own.
• Podcasts! I’ve been vibing podcasts for a few weeks now. I went through a phase where all I listened to was podcasts, then I stopped. Now I’m back. My favorites right now are: Start Inspired, I Weigh, Approachable, and very specific episodes of The Joe Rogan Experience. Now you may be asking yourself, how in the world do I listen to that many podcasts in one week? And my answer is, I am constantly listening to them. I listen to them while I workout, while I work, while I write, while I roast, and when I’m driving.
• Finally, Penny Dreadful. I just started it this week and I’m only 3 episodes in, but it is so good. Very intense and not for the faint of heart, but it’s really good and I highly recommend. I have to be in a specific mood to watch it though. If I’m anxious, I can’t do it.

Anyway, that’s just kind of a wrap up, I’m not sure if I’ll do this format every week I’m still trying to figure out this type of post. Have a great Saturday! I’ll see you tomorrow for another post of Sunday Rambles!

Comparison Muses

I’ve been having some issues with comparing myself with other people lately. When you see people achieving things that you thought you would have achieved at this point, it can hurt. I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but I feel like it’s a natural thing. The thing about comparison though, is that it’s a killer. Of self-esteem, sense of accomplishment, and your achievements. You start to think that your achievements suddenly aren’t good enough just because someone else did something more impressive. You start to feel good about yourself and what you’ve accomplished thus far, and then that’s not good enough. You feel like you should be doing better.

A few years ago it was seeing people get there bachelor’s degree or people getting engaged. Now it’s people getting their masters or doctorates and them getting married. Then you look at your life and feel so small and unimpressive. It hurts. I know it hurts to see other get what you want or what you thought you would have by now. (I’m crying as I write this). You start to wonder what decision you made to be where you are now, and why you’re not as far along as them.

I know I’m just as smart and I put in the work I need to do, plus some. At this point I thought my life would be much different. I would not change anything about my life. The choices I made, the experiences I had, and even my genetic code dictated my life. I made the choices I needed to make, hard ones, and easy ones. I still compare myself to other people though. It’s something I’m working on. I know I can’t measure my self-worth by what other people are doing or accomplishing. I can’t help it though. I can’t look at my like count on a picture on Instagram and be okay when someone is getting as many likes on a picture that’s the same as the number of followers I have. I mean, I have a pretty curated selection of followers chilling at a cool 199. Thats on my personal account. I have an account for this blog (@russoamy3) which I need to do more work on. I feel a lot better when I look at my feed there because I don’t follow anyone I know. Most people don’t even know I have a blog.

Anyway, I’m getting off track. Comparsion makes me sad. It’s that simple. I know other people probably look at my life and compare themselves, I’m sad for them too. I’m sad for all the people who have ever compared themselves to someone else based off social media. I wish it as easy as to say, just stop, but it’s not. I will say though, you are lucky to have the life that you have. You are a hard worker and will reach your goals. Just because you’re not on someone elses timeline doesn’t mean that you’re behind them. Give it time. Yes, certain times of the year you’ll feel not so great, like graduation time or wedding season. You are okay though. You are working on your own timeline and you’re doing the best that you can. I believe in you.

New Moon

 

We’re running our first sale for the company, it’s centered around the new moon. I’ve taken notes and notes on the new moon. I’ve looked up quotes and looked at pictures. This morning I took a few minutes and actually read what I’ve been writing down and what I have written down, it really resonated with me.

The premise of the new moon is that it is a time for basically a refresh. It’s meant to be a time for setting new intentions, for a fresh start, for new beginnings. Everyone will interpret that differently. For me though, well I’m not really sure what it means. I’m not sure how I plan to take it and harness the energy of the new moon. In a post last week I wrote about how I was exploring more spiritual things. The new moon is the perfect time for that. I can set intentions for what I want to find on this path. The thing is though that I’m not feeling very inspired. I’m actually feeling pretty exhausted from all the emotions I’ve been feeling this whole week. Of course when I need to be most creative, my bipolar has struck again and put me through the wringer and now I’m exhausted. All I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. I don’t have time for that though. I don’t plan on pushing myself past my limit, but I just need some time. The reason the new moon is on my mind is because of the sale. I’ve done so much research.

My plans for the new moon are to set some new intentions and a new goal or two related to my mental health. Most of the goals I’ve been focusing on are about my routine and working out and normal type of things. I feel like I’ve been neglecting my mental health a little bit. In yesterday’s post, Why am I crying? I wrote about asking myself what I needed. I think what I need to focus on my mental health a little bit more and not so much on perfecting my routine or adding in schedules or creating goal sheets. I’m not sure what I need to do to nurture my mental health right now, but I am going to be focusing on it quite a bit over the next few days. One of the things may actually be to focus on what I actually need and not what I think I need. Those are just a few things I want to create intentions for. My mental health is more important than anything and the new moon is the perfect time to set some intentions and new beginnings for my mental health journey.

Being bipolar isn’t easy, having any mental illness isn’t easy. Everyone is different and I can look up everything about what works for someone else, but that doesn’t mean it will work for me. I need to keep that in mind. I can take suggestions and try things, but finding what works for you on your mental health journey is trial and error.

The moon cycles affect me in general. Especially the waxing gibbous. I’ll get into that another day though, for now, it’s all about the new moon.

Are you going to create any new intentions or refresh during this new moon period?  

Naps and Tacos

Good morning! I’m writing this on Thursday morning, and I’m feeling pretty good. I kind of had an epiphany this morning.

Somedays you need to get up and do all the things and somedays you need to go back to sleep on the couch. It’s called balance.

I haven’t had a lot of balance in my life lately and I think that’s why I’ve been so anxious and stressed, pushing myself past my limits. I’ve had no balance. I feel like my life hasn’t been filled with a lot of balance, especially lately. I feel like I don’t even know what balance is anymore. I think part of it is being bipolar, not all of it, just partly. A lot of times my bipolar manifests itself as having more extremes. Like if I feel something, I’ll feel it deeply and react with those amplified feelings in mind. I don’t think about it though. I just do it. My emotions get amplified a lot, more often than I would like to admit. That’s the nature of the beast though I suppose. This prevents me from being able to find balance. Which I need.

A lot of the time I just want to do what I want to do, but because I have no balance I feel bad about indulging in certain things. Like tacos and naps. I’ll think about these things, then I’ll tell myself that I shouldn’t take a nap because I’ll feel bad afterwards. I’ll think about getting tacos, but I say to myself what if you get glutened? I need to find a balance, tell myself it’s okay to take a nap today but don’t do it every day and the same goes for the tacos. These are not everyday things. So another day I may not nap and I’ll have a salad instead of tacos. Now, that’s balance. Do I do these things? Not yet. Is it something I can work on? Of course.

So today is a nap and taco day, my boyfriend promised me that we could get tacos today and I already fell back asleep on my couch this morning. Do I feel bad about it? Nope. Would I usually? Yes. So, the moral of the story is, have the tacos and take the nap. Find your balance.