YAS

So, as of Monday, I have officially reach ONE HUNDRED followers on my blog! I honestly can’t believe it. When I started this blog, with all the posts from my angsty 19 year old self to the posts about how my life is now. It truly has been a journey. I’m glad I made this blog and I started taking it seriously. I now have a whole timeline to see how far I’ve come. From when I was first diagnosed to 7 years later. Sometimes I read my old posts and I tear up because I remember how much pain I was in and how alone I had felt. I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it through, but this blog is here to prove to myself that I can grow, change, and learn. That I don’t have to let my circumstances beat me or force me to make certain decisions. The times when my condition ruled my life.

I have made so much progress and I am so ecstatic that I now have 100 people with me to see my journey. I can only hope that some of my posts have either inspired someone or made someone feel less alone. I never want anyone to feel the way I felt when I was 19. I want to be a beacon of hope, well in some sense anyway. I just want to thank you all for following me and believing in me. In the form of letting my posts grace your timelines. I am so lucky to have come this far. I remember in the winter posting about have 50 followers. Now I have 100 and it blows my mind. Meeting this mile stone has come at a time where I have begun to question myself. Questioning if I’m on the path I actually want to be on. If I’m happy with where I am. Deciding if it’s time to give up on an unspoken dream. This, to me anyway, is a sign that I’m on the right path and I shouldn’t give up.

Because there are 100 people who actually care about what I write. For thank I thank you. You all have a special place in my heart and my journey.

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Catching Up

I feel like it’s been quite sometime since I posted here. Well, I suppose it really has been. I needed a bit of a break after the death of my grandmother. I’m back now, well I’m going to try and be.

Honestly, nothing much has happened in the past month or so. I’ve been stuck in the house. I just wanted to write a little bit about how COVID has affected my mental health. I am easily triggered, and will quickly have a mood swing after the initial trigger. So, being stuck in the apartment you would think that I would be able to avoid triggers, that is not the case though. I am easily triggered by videos and sometimes pictures. Also, by the emotions of the people around me. Since my boyfriend and I are spending every single second of every single day together, it’s almost impossible to not feed off of each others emotions. So, I’ll get triggered by something, then he’ll feel my stress and it’ll possibly trigger him. It’s a very delicate system.

Also, the business has not been doing the best. Due to COVID, people just aren’t buying our products. We try so hard. The lack of orders and work to do leaves me very anxious and bored and then I panic because I feel like I should be doing work, when there’s no work to be done. It’s all very frustrating. I have a very strong work ethic so when I don’t have something to focus my energy on, I get severe, debilitating anxiety. I tell my doctors and they try to help me and give me advice, but the bottom line is that we can’t adjust my meds. So, it’s basically me against myself. In my head. All day everyday. I’ve been manic a few times, down, but not truly depressed, but mostly the anxiety. Except yesterday I felt extremely unstable. I don’t know what happened, but something tipped the scales. I feel like I need to channel my energy. I’ve been writing a lot of fiction, but I’ve kind of run out of inspiration.

I know they say that you have to write even when you don’t feel like it or if you don’t feel inspired. I just can’t seem to push myself though. Everything just feels off. Probably because no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’ve found that; no matter how much you try, it’s almost impossible to move forward when the world is standing still. Because we are still in the middle of a pandemic and things don’t seem to be getting better. I feel like there is no hope. Like I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even as I write this I feel a sense of panic. Everything is a struggle. It also doesn’t help that it’s like a sauna in my apartment.

I honestly am doing the best that I can. I just keep forgetting to remind myself of that. Sometimes, doing the best that you can is enough. Even if all that you do is get out of bed. I had a pretty strict morning routine, but somewhere along the way it fell to the wayside. I wish that hadn’t happened, but it did. I know not to beat myself up about it, but it’s difficult.

So, COVID has not given me any more drive, it hasn’t really done anything productive for me. I’m hoping I can start feeling better today and get back into blogging. I’ve really missed this.

Sunday Rambles Pt 4

It’s 7:42 in the morning and I’ve already worked out. Now I’m trying to decide if I want coffee or not. I mean of course I want coffee, but the question is, do I feel like making it myself? I need to go to CVS in a little while to get cat food and I could get coffee there. I don’t know. I’ll probably make it myself. I’m kind of sleepy I’m trying to stay awake though, which means i should probably make coffee. I’m just lazy. I’m also hungry, but I don’t feel like going downstairs to make what I want. I just realized that I can’t go to CVS until my boyfriend wakes up in case he needs anything. He is not a morning person, especially if he’s woken up and doesn’t wake up naturally. So, I guess I’m making myself coffee.

I feel like I’m exhausted, i’m not really sure why. I’ve been sleeping fine and waking up pretty consistently, maybe my body and mind are just tired and I have to accept that. I was so bored last night. Nothing was interesting, nothing was sparking anything inside of me. I hate being bored, but I’m also pretty lazy. I’ve been cleaning more though which helps make me feel better because the apartment isn’t a mess and stressing me out. Except my desk is a hot spot for junk. It’s got piles of books and journals and tons of pens. It’s like every time I clean it the next day it’s a mess because I’ll go looking for a book or I’ll actually be doing work and everything that I’m using will spread outwards. Then I’ll forget to put things back where they go. I have a post on how I attempt to keep things organized going up eventually.

Last Sunday I went to some protests with my mom, this week I have no idea what I’m doing. Maybe I’ll see what she’s doing, maybe I’ll just do some random things. Who knows. It’s 8:09 in the morning, no one is awake, I have no business attempting to plan my day right now. Also, I shouldn’t be doing that because I don’t know how anxious I’ll get through out the day. I don’t know what I’ll mentally be able to handle today. I don’t want to go out even though the state is basically open, because the virus isn’t gone. People stopped getting tested. In the states that have been opened the COVID cases have increased. Just because we’ve met the quota to get to phase 2, I have a feeling this isn’t over. I think a lot of people know this isn’t over. It’ll be what it’ll be though.

Now for something a little bit more trivial. Something that makes me feel better, for some reason, is to go on Sephora or Ulta and just scroll through the makeup. I’ll probably never buy most of it, but somehow it calms me down. I don’t always look for something in particular, but it helps. I love makeup. I haven’t been wearing it because of quarantine, and it makes me sad. I know I could just do it for the fun of it, which I should actually do. It’s something to do when I’m bored. Just put on a full face for no reason, sounds good to me. Anyway, since I’ve been working on my birthday list I’ve been going on each site almost everyday looking for things I may want. There are things I still really want to add to my collection, but I don’t really have an abundance of money. I’d rather save and splurge. Like save so much where I don’t mind buying enough things to reach free shipping and not freak out about it. I’m on my way there, but I’m not there yet. Hopefully soon though, but maybe not. We’ll see.

Anyway, hopefully you have a great Sunday filled with rest and productivity.

Brain Dump

I know I’ve been inconsistent and I’m not going to lie and say that I will start being consistent soon, because I really don’t know. I’m still grieving and some days are better than others. I’m really trying to change my mindset in a lot of facets of my life. i know today is supposed to be a weekly wrap-up. Honestly though, I didn’t even realize today was Saturday. My anxiety is at about a 6 right now, but I’m trying very hard to not let it get to me, the anxiety I mean. I know it’s not easy to control anxiety, it usually works better to just let it consume me and just live with the anxiety. I’m trying to not be like that anymore. I’m trying everything I can think of to counteract the anxiety that’s trying to consume me. Nothing on tv is interesting me though. So I went with my good old podcasts. I have the feeling that I want to cry, but that really won’t help the situation.

I’m very bored, there’s a million things I could be doing, but I just don’t want to. I have this feeling that I have to be proactive and constantly be doing things. I’m not sure why I am that way. I really just want to be able to let the things that I can’t control go, and just focus on what I need during that time I use to heal. I just feel so lost. Nothing feels right, right now. My boyfriend has a new project he’s working on and I have nothing. I want to be able to throw part of myself into this blog, but I just feel like I don’t have it in me fully. I really want to though. So, if you have any tips about how to do that, please share. Because I have an abundance of time, I’m healing though. I can’t use that as an excuse or a crutch for everything though. Like I used my bipolar for a very long time. I didn’t accept it and take control, so I just used it as an excuse. I did that for way too long, because I started seeing myself as just being bipolar and that it defined me, but that’s not true. Bipolar is part of me, but that doesn’t mean I’ll let it define me.

I need to relight the fire I had inside myself. It’s dimmed to an ember, but it’s still burning, I just need to add fuel. I’m not really sure how to do that, but I’ll do it. Someway, somehow. I need to get my creative juices flowing. I feel like something will click and I’ll slowly start to feel inspired and better. Between bouts of extreme anxiety, hopefully I’ll feel like creating something, and the bouts of anxiety will become less extreme and things will slowly get back to an equilibrium.

Day to Day

My little heart hurts. I can’t seem to figure out a happy medium for how to achieve things during the day. I’ll wake up and it’s hit or miss. Most of the morning I’m usually okay. At some point though the sadness gets me. I’m not down or depressed, I’m just sad. I’m in mourning. The only things that can heal something like this is time. That’s not an easy thing to accept, because we are used to having instant answers, but the only answer to someone close to you passing, is time.

I feel like all my inspiration and will power has left me. I have ideas, but I can’t seem to act on those ideas. I can make a list, but what’s the point if I don’t have the will power to complete it? To even get one of the tasks done. Yet, like when dealing with most things, some days are better than others. For example, a few days ago I set 3 simple goals. I completed all 3 before noon. Today though, I can barely get off the couch. This is actually the third post I’ve started today because nothing seems right. I’m not able to elaborate on any of my ideas. So, I’m back to the old school writing about my feelings.

I’m roasting today, so the kitchen where I work is over 80 degrees, which I’m sure isn’t helping anything. I don’t feel like watching anything. I don’t want to engage in social media because I’m overwhelmed by the news. I can barely handle what’s happening in my personal life, let alone create my opinions on what’s happening in the world. Being a political science major, I feel like I should have thoughts, ideas, and answers. Be able to carry out a discussion. Right now though, I just can’t.

I’m very anxious, that’s how it’s been for a few days. Just consumed by anxiety. Which just makes me want to shut down and do nothing. Just curl up in a blanket in front of my fan in my 78 degree living room. So, that’s what I do. I feel like there’s only a short period of time where I can get things done during the day, I have to find that time and do all the things that I can. I had a few posts planned for this week, but those will probably be on hold until next week. I keep hoping that the next day will be better, but there’s no way to tell if it will be. I mean, if we knew how we would feel the next day, well I don’t know what would happen.

I think something I’m learning is that I’m still learning. No one expects me to know all the answers and knowing myself I know I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have to be perfect. I’m aloud to feel my feelings how ever I need to express them.

New Moon

 

We’re running our first sale for the company, it’s centered around the new moon. I’ve taken notes and notes on the new moon. I’ve looked up quotes and looked at pictures. This morning I took a few minutes and actually read what I’ve been writing down and what I have written down, it really resonated with me.

The premise of the new moon is that it is a time for basically a refresh. It’s meant to be a time for setting new intentions, for a fresh start, for new beginnings. Everyone will interpret that differently. For me though, well I’m not really sure what it means. I’m not sure how I plan to take it and harness the energy of the new moon. In a post last week I wrote about how I was exploring more spiritual things. The new moon is the perfect time for that. I can set intentions for what I want to find on this path. The thing is though that I’m not feeling very inspired. I’m actually feeling pretty exhausted from all the emotions I’ve been feeling this whole week. Of course when I need to be most creative, my bipolar has struck again and put me through the wringer and now I’m exhausted. All I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. I don’t have time for that though. I don’t plan on pushing myself past my limit, but I just need some time. The reason the new moon is on my mind is because of the sale. I’ve done so much research.

My plans for the new moon are to set some new intentions and a new goal or two related to my mental health. Most of the goals I’ve been focusing on are about my routine and working out and normal type of things. I feel like I’ve been neglecting my mental health a little bit. In yesterday’s post, Why am I crying? I wrote about asking myself what I needed. I think what I need to focus on my mental health a little bit more and not so much on perfecting my routine or adding in schedules or creating goal sheets. I’m not sure what I need to do to nurture my mental health right now, but I am going to be focusing on it quite a bit over the next few days. One of the things may actually be to focus on what I actually need and not what I think I need. Those are just a few things I want to create intentions for. My mental health is more important than anything and the new moon is the perfect time to set some intentions and new beginnings for my mental health journey.

Being bipolar isn’t easy, having any mental illness isn’t easy. Everyone is different and I can look up everything about what works for someone else, but that doesn’t mean it will work for me. I need to keep that in mind. I can take suggestions and try things, but finding what works for you on your mental health journey is trial and error.

The moon cycles affect me in general. Especially the waxing gibbous. I’ll get into that another day though, for now, it’s all about the new moon.

Are you going to create any new intentions or refresh during this new moon period?  

Why Am I Crying?

This is a question I ask myself every single time I cry. I was just stretching to workout and I just started crying. Bawling. I have no idea why. I know, sometimes you just need to cry, but usually, you know when it’s coming. I just started crying and the first thing I asked myself is what do I need? My answer, I don’t know. I don’t know what I need when I don’t know why I’m crying. I don’t know why I feel overwhelmed, I just don’t know.

Crying is tough on your body, you finish crying and you’re exhausted. I mean, it could be my bipolar, when I’m in the neutral space I just don’t know what to do. I just feel so lost, so I just cry sometimes. Then I wonder, is this a sign of an episode? I just feel so lost right now and I’m not sure what to do. How do I turn my episodes into something productive? I don’t have the answer for myself for that one. I feel like this is a manic episode, I just feel it in my bones. I can’t sit still, my mind is going a million miles a minute. I feel a sense of panic, I get overwhelmed by emotion and I cried. I think. I feel like I can’t breathe and I just have to go and go and go. I can’t though, I don’t know how to channel this manic energy. So, I cry, and this probably isn’t the first time it’ll happen today. I can’t even focus on this post. I wish I could just curl up back into bed, but there’s no way I could do that. Sitting still is not something that’s not on the agenda today. My mind is all fuzzy, I’m not sure if that happens to anyone else when they feel manic.

Okay, it’s after that initial morning cry that set my whole day in motion. I was convinced that bawling my eyes out in the middle of my living room floor would set the tone for my day. Somehow, it didn’t. Well, at least I don’t think so. I feel pretty okay right now, but I feel like today is going to be a day of mood swings. I’m going to assume mostly up feelings. I still don’t know what set me off this morning. It made me very nervous because I didn’t know if it was a sign of something bigger to come, but so far so good. I mean I am feeling pretty anxious right now, mostly about how the start of my day will affect the rest of the day. I want to try and give myself time to rest, but I also want to try and get stuff done because yesterday was a wash.

Also, all of this has caused me to get a stress pimple. Which means I am very stressed out. I keep trying deep breathing and all of those things. At the end of the day though, a lot of my emotional issues stem from being Bipolar. I don’t want to let being bipolar define me or let it dictate my day, but some days it just does. Somedays, my bipolar rules the day, and as much as I want to fight it, I can’t and I will cry. So, a lot of times I’m crying because I’m fighting an invisible enemy and somedays I’m tired of fighting it.