Halloween is on Thursday. I’m not the biggest fan of Halloween, I’ve never had a really amazing experience with it, so I look forward to it, but I also don’t. I always feel this pressure to do something, to have that one perfect experience, then maybe I’ll be happy and start loving Halloween. I just don’t want to do anything though. Because I’ve outgrown the bar scene and I don’t really have enough friends to have a party or anything, so this year’s plan was to sit at home, in my sloth onesie, and get high. Now, my boyfriend suggested we go to Sleepy Hollow, in New York. It does sound like fun, and it would probably be a nice night. But, I’m not sure if I want to go. I have class at 1 so we would leave at 3ish. So I would have all day to prepare and get ready and just be okay. For some reason, I just don’t feel like it.
I hate crowds and there’s no way to know big the crowd will be at Sleepy Hollow. We were in Salem, MA last Halloween, and that was INSANITY. So many people. I don’t want to go through that again. There are just so many unknown variables. I haven’t been feeling well lately though, just very anxious and uncomfortable. I had a pretty bad manic episode on Tuesday and by Thursday, I had completely crashed. Needless to say, I missed class all week. We’ll be an hour and a half away from home, so if I start feeling bad, there’s essentially no where to go.
On the flip side, I feel like I should just go. I want these amazing experiences, so if I never go anywhere and just avoid things, how will I have those experiences or make those memories? I need to step out of my comfort zone and I know that. I’m constantly having these conflicting sides to every situation. If I go X could happen, but I won’t know unless I go. “X” could be anything. Good or bad, it’s just a variable. I need to just figure it out. Also, my boyfriend really wants to go, and I don’t want to let him down. He’s so amazing and he does so much for me, why can’t I just get out of my own head and just go? For him. I don’t want to ruin his Halloween by just nixing it immediately, so I’m going to think about it.
The more I think about it though, the deeper into my head I go. I don’t want to miss out on things. I know I can’t live inside my house forever. I need to go out. Do things, experience things, just live. I cannot let my disorder get in the way of things forever, I can’t hide behind it or use it as an excuse forever. All in all, let Halloweek commence.