Saturdays are for finding something to believe in

I’ve been writing in my journal all day, but I feel like I have no material for this blog. I’ve been missing posts which is something that I didn’t want to do. I’ve been letting my fear and anxiety get the best of me and I’ve essentially been hiding in my apartment. Nothing seems worth while, nothing sounds good or fun. Every little thing is a struggle.

All I feel is constant panic. Fight or flight, but the only thing I’m fighting is myself. Is this my new normal? Today I felt like everyone was doing something but me. As if, the world was moving, but I was standing still. Watching everyone from the outside while they move on and move along and I’m just stuck. I feel like I’m a horrible person and like I’m slacking in my life. I always say no to things, and I can never commit to anything or get anything done. I haven’t been able to work a full work week without taking a day off or leaving early, I haven’t signed up for classes yet, and it’s the middle of August. My biggest thing is avoidance. I do whatever I can to avoid the things that make me feel the way that I do, but it just makes things worse.

The only way out is though, is what I keep telling myself, but I feel like I’m not sticking to it. Like, I’m so busy trying to find a way around that I could already have dealt with some of my issues by now. It is what it is though. I am who I am. I have to stop with the negative self talk and saying that, I’m the worst or that I’m a horrible person. I know the truth is that I’m neither of those things. It’s just my own mind. I have to strengthen my mind to fight against these negative thoughts, so I can deal with them and try and have a more positive mindset.

I’m nervous for my birthday in Salem because I’m afraid my anxiety will ruin it and I won’t have fun. I have to have hope though, I have to believe something good will happen. That good things will come to me and I will thrive. It will happen, it’s just me against me. Nothing else, I’m what’s in my way. If I can learn to be better about negative self talk and my tendency to avoid my issues, I think I can go very far. I just have to believe. I have to believe in myself and trust my journey. I’m not a religious person, but I believe there is something out there that’s bigger than us. Even with all the self doubt, I have dreams and I have things I want to accomplish, and at the end of the day, I believe in myself.

I always do, I always will, and even when I forget, I still believe.

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