Life Can’t Always be Fair

I can’t seem to get up the energy to even open my computer and type a post. So I’m doing this from my phone. I’ve been suffering from PTSD flashbacks for the past week and it’s been super hard on me. I keep reminding myself that what happened wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t do anything wrong. It doesn’t make things any easier though. I’ve just been crying so much and just all around upset a distressed.

I’m just so tired of crying and suffering over something that wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong, so why am I the one suffering? It’s a question I’ll never get an answer to. The flashbacks are mostly shadows or words. They were super vivid on Monday, the vibrancy has subsided though. But the frequency has increased. I’m just over it. Just stop the world, I want to get off.

My therapist says I have to stay distracted until the flashbacks subside, but nothing seems to be keeping my attention. I find some solace in music and reading. Listening to John Mayer and Dawes, rereading Harry Potter. But it doesn’t last. I’m only truly comfortable on our loveseat in the living room where I can curl up and just be. Just let existence wash over me and around me. Like I don’t have to deal with the read world for a little while. Just plug in and tune out for a little while.

I don’t want to say this is my new normal, but I don’t really know much about PTSD, only what I’ve read over the last week. But it seems like this could go on for a little while. It’s not a cut and dry type of thing, where you can get meds what will make it stop (mostly) not like with my bipolar. I’m also doing everything I’m supposed to be doing, according to all the websites I’ve read anyway. So, what are you supposed to do when what’s supposed to help, doesn’t? You just fight through I suppose. I’m just tired of fighting. I feel like I’m fighting with my own mind everyday and it’s exhausting and I’m over it. I don’t know what else to do. I just know that this whole situation isn’t fair. I’m the one dealing with the fall out and my family and friends don’t know what to do or what to tell me. It’s just not fair.

Like I know, they always tell kids, life isn’t fair. But no one deserves to have to suffer this way. No one.

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