I live on the South Shore of Long Island, New York, and the last week of June, every summer, for the past 10 years or so, means Alive After Five.
What is Alive After Five, you ask? Well. essentially it’s a giant street fair, the streets are closed starting at 3, the vendors come in, and people start filtering in. There will end up being thousands of people on the street. I haven’t gone in about 3 years. So, I’m not entirely sure what it’s like besides what I hear. When I did go though, it was awesome. That seems like a life time ago though.
Now, Alive After Five, is pretty much anyone that has anxiety, in any way, shape, or form, their nightmare. The streets are packed, people are getting out of control, it’s loud. That’s why I stopped going, even the thought of it would bring on panic. Except today, for some reason I feel like going, I feel like it might be fun. I’m not sure why I think that, it’s always the same, I don’t think it’s changed since the last time I went. I am bored though, and hungry, but also exhausted. So, I’m not sure if that combination of things is good, or bad when deciding if I want to venture out into the world. Into one of the busiest nights of the summer, I want to go, but I also don’t want to trigger an anxiety attack and I don’t want to trigger a manic episode either. Because, sometimes if there’s too much going on or I have sensory overload, I’ll get manic. I don’t want that.
I don’t know whats keeping me from going, fear or just knowing myself so well by now, that I know if I go I’ll get triggered. It’s a fine line I walk when I want to go out and do things, am I afraid? Am I being smart? Today I honestly don’t even know where my head is at, I feel like I can’t think straight, I feel like I don’t know anything. Maybe I should stay home.
A Delicate Odyssey 