So here I am, sitting in the waiting room or my neurologists office, chipped nails, unwashed hair, and a sweater that doesn’t match my outfit. Painting my nails and washing my hair are both things that I do on Sundays. Since I felt really bad last night, none of my usual things got done. I just wasn’t up for it. I went and sat outside for a little while yesterday, but I immediately started getting bit by bugs, so that was over real quick. Nothing made things better yesterday. I couldn’t focus, I was essentially numb, I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t want to do anything, watch anything, listen to anything. I did write though. I wrote and wrote and wrote, it helped slightly, but not much.
So, now I’m home, the neurologist went fine, he reenrolled me for the device that I use for my migraines. I went to work, my computer wasn’t working, again, I was on the phone with our IT company for who knows how long. Finally I got him to understand that this wasn’t a one time thing that happened just today, it has happened three times. So, he’s working on my computer now, well he was when I left, I just hope I don’t need a new computer. I spent most of the day listening to a book on audible, trying to keep my anxiety at bay and myself on some sort of track to get work done. I tried, but I couldn’t focus and I just was not having a good day.
Fast forward to now, I’m sitting on my couch, I just got over being extremely irritable for no reason, isolating, and just overall ruminating in how just plain my day was. Also, I had barely eaten anything all day. After work, I had to run around and do things, even though all I wanted to do was lay down and just stop for a second, but I couldn’t. By time I was done, I was so angry and anxious, angry to the point where I couldn’t even stay in the same room as my boyfriend because I didn’t want to take it out on him.
And here I am now, nails still chipped, hair still unwashed, I exchanged my work clothes for some comfy ones, and I feel a lot calmer. At some point I’ll get to the things that I need to do, but it doesn’t have to be right now. I have to learn that it’s okay to take a minute to yourself, put on some headphones and tune the world out. I need to not put so much pressure on myself or feel like others are putting pressure on me when they’re not. I have to learn to let go a little bit, I don’t have to do all the things, and the things I do, they don’t have to be as perfect as I think they have to be. I have to slow down sometimes and just breathe. So, all in all, it’s only 6:35 PM, I have some time to relax. Even though I’ve been up for 12 hours. I’m going to take some time to myself and go from there. Today may have been a bit hectic, but I wasn’t manic, and as much of a bad day I had yesterday, it didn’t trigger anything bigger. So, I’ll call that a win.
A Delicate Odyssey 