I hope you have a drink and a snack, this is going to be a bit of a long one. Sorry!
Today is Saturday, yas! It is currently 1:00 PM, nothing exciting is happening, yet. I woke up a little later than usual, made coffee and just hung around the apartment. I have no real plan of action today, I just want to get some blogging stuff done, because I still consider myself a new blogger. I’m doing research, reading as much as possible, and trying to find my way. I’m trying to not force it, just keep it light and easy. I am not really a light and breezy type of person when it comes to projects, I’m more of the type of person who needs to have everything perfect and very specific. This is a blog though, I want it to grow as I grow. I want to see it evolve with me.
The main reason I wanted to write today is to say that I’m having less and less symptoms everyday. The only thing that’s really lingering is anxiety. I’m trying to cut down on the amount of anti-anxiety medication I’m taking, I can’t seem to get away from it though. I try taking CBD instead, and sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. I try deep breathing, which also helps, sometimes. Now, everyone’s favorite suggestion to give me, including my therapist, is to take a shower. The thing is, I have shower anxiety. As in, I can’t be in the shower for too long or I start panicking, and as soon as I get out of the shower I have to take my anti-anxiety medication. For most people the steam feels good and helps them relax, but I feel like it’s suffocating me. As if I truly cannot breathe. It scares me. Therefore, I only shower once maybe twice a week, I know it seems like that’s too few showers, but the anxiety is too much. So, when I’m having an episode, I rarely take a shower and I wash my hair even less. I know the episode is particularly bad when I have to go to a salon and pay to have someone wash my hair. I haven’t had to do that in a while, and I don’t mind washing it as much since I cut off about 9 inches, but when I take a shower and I have to do a full shower routine, including shaving and washing my hair, my anxiety peaks.
The reason I have so much anxiety about taking a shower, is because when I was first diagnosed I would take a 45 minute shower. Curl up in a ball, and just bawl my eyes out, with the blazing hot water washing over me. I did this for years, especially when I was depressed or having a difficult day, and now my showers take maybe, 15 minutes, at the most. I’ve got my shower routine down, the thing that cut down on my shower time is that I don’t condition my hair in the shower. I buy a leave in conditioner that doesn’t need to be rinsed out, making it a lot easier on me.
I took a shower this morning, I didn’t wash my hair though because it is way too hot to leave my hair to dry. I’ll wash it in the morning when it’s cooler. I think this might be my new go to shower routine, shower one day, shave and such, then the next day I’ll wash my hair. I’ll have to see how that works out, because after this mornings shower, I actually felt okay, no anxiety or panic. So that’s my big accomplishment for the day, it may seem small, but anything I can do to combat my anxiety is a win.
Also, I ordered an Amazon Kindle Fire 8, it should be here any time now, but more on that tomorrow!