Why do I lie?

I don’t know the answer to that question, but I have to figure it out. It’s not that I lie about big or important things. I lie about the most meaningless, tiny things. It’s just ridiculous. I know part of the reason is that I’m afraid of people’s reactions and that they’re going to be upset or worse, leave. I couldn’t handle it if he left, that’s not a understatement. He’s my rock, my everything. So that begs the question, why do I keep lying? I lie because I want to protect myself, but the lying is pushing him away. The lies are so small that I can’t even think of one, they’re that meaningless. I don’t understand how my mind works sometimes. I need to be able to control it. It shouldn’t be that hard, but it is. The small meaningless lies put stress on the trust in a relationship. So why do I do it? Maybe it’s a symptom of bipolar, there’s no research though, there’s no concrete evidence. I medicalize things, I want to find a medical excuse for why I keep doing it, to justify it. But, why? There’s is no true reason why, it’s just me. The only person who can stop it, is me. I am the answer.


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